Blessings

I heard this song again this morning and it really spoke to me... There's a lot of profound truth in here... Laura Story is the name of the woman who sings it and she has a pretty amazing story you can read here.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Say Hello to my Little Friends

* Spiderman * Superman * Robin * Batman *

Mission Accomplished. 

Although much more tedious than I initially anticipated these were pretty fun to create. 

I can't wait for the boys to get to play with them tomorrow. 

Definitely need smaller brushes. 

Far from perfect but I think I can call them a success.

I'm kicking around the idea of picking up some more and making the boys a set of our family... 

We'll see how cool or not cool they think these are first. 

Craft Catharsis

I've managed to start crafting again... And it's nice. For real. I find it incredibly therapeutic to just shut off my brain and focus in on something I like to do. 

I made this cute little pot the other day... Well I didn't make it technically, I painted it. It turned out really well and I can't wait to get some seeds growin in there! 

And this is my afternoon project today. I've been searching for those little wooden peg dolls and while at Ben Franklin this morning I found them! To say that I'm excited is an understatement! 

Here's to picking myself up and some craft catharsis! 

Secondary Infertility

DefinitionSecondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

Do I have secondary infertility?
Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages. 　
Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

Why is this happening?When a first child is conceived with ease, you may feel completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child. Take charge and talk to your primary care or ob/gyn physician. Secondary infertility is very common, but not often talked about. 

The emotional side of secondary infertilityPhysicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

* above definitions taken from here. 

** emphasis in red is added by me. 

Secondary Infertility. So there's a name to this problem we seem to have. I'm not sure it makes it any easier, but it does make it feel a little less lonely to know that this isn't just us. It still sucks. 

I often get the response from people when I dare to clue them in on our issue "You already have two children- be thankful you have them!" Totally understand that. Trust me, I do. I love both of my children dearly- they are my little beams of sunshine- but that doesn't mean I don't long for another child. I am thankful- so very thankful- that we have been blessed with them. But that again doesn't mean I don't long for another child. Quite frankly I find the comments often time ignorant and hurtful. It sucks that unless you have no children people refuse to sympathize with issues of infertility. 

I'm very blessed to have a few close friends with whom I can confide and cry to. But I sincerely wish that people were more understanding- surely we're not the only ones going through this feeling this way. 

I have an appointment at the end of the month to try to get a referral to see someone. Infertility is described as a year of trying without getting pregnant. We're long past that now. I really just want some answers. I feel that having another child is God's decision so we won't proceed with any kind of fertility treatments regardless what we discover. I just want to know what we're up against. 

Please pray for us. I've really been struggling with this the last few weeks. It's been a combination of stress and my impending due-date for Zoe. Please pray that we may find some peace- regardless the outcome. 

Treading Water

I really feel as though I'm treading water these days. Completely exhausted and barely keeping my head above water. It's horrible.

The thing about grief is that it never goes away. It's like moisture in the air. There are days where the skies are clear and you can't see the moisture- but it's there. And there are days where the clouds fill up and become dark and it pours. And of course there are million days in between. If only I had weather forecast...

I feel the need to blog because it's been so long and I don't want this blog to just die off... But quite frankly I don't really feel like saying much more than I already have. So we'll leave it at that.

Photo Contest- Need help!

Ok so those of you on my Facebook probably despise my existence at this point. I'm going nuts trying to win this photo contest for a free photo shoot for the munchkins. The thing is that for one, we rarely have the extra money to pay to get professional photos done and for two, with Jack's autism it's really a gamble. We could fork out the 100s of dollars and not end up with any good photos. So this contest is a shot at a $275 photo credit for a wonderful photographer on the island and I'm desperate to win! If you haven't already voted I would really appreciate your help. And if it's not too much to ask, you could repost the contest on your blog or facebook. The votes are based on "likes" so it's one vote per person and consequently we need lots and lots of people to vote. Right now we have 40 some votes and there are 5 people ahead of us- some of whom have over 150 votes! Contest runs until Saturday so I'm not giving up yet :)

Here's the link:
Photo Contest- Contestant #5

Thank you!

5 Years Ago...

5 years ago yesterday (life's crazy, I totally meant to do this yesterday but couldn't) I sent Jacob the email that would change both of our lives forever. Technically it wasn't even an email, it was a myspace message.

It was just a typical spring day in MN and I found myself bored (as usual) before work sitting on the computer in the den of my parents house and decided to figure out what had become of Jacob from 3rd grade.

Jacob and I had gone to school together in 3rd grade. We were good friends and arguably each other's first "crush." But 4th grade brought me transferring back to Catholic school and by 6th grade his parents had divorced and he was off to Missouri with his mom.

A quick search on myspace showed a profile of someone with the same name but no photos, just drawings, which I was fairly confident meant it was him.

I sent him the following message:

ok this is totally random... and i'm sorry if i freak you out... lol
did you ever live in alexandria, mn??!? because i was friends with a kid that has the same name as you back in elementary school... and you have no pics on here so i have no idea if its you or not... i switched school at the end of 3rd grade and then you moved away shortly after that i think....
i know, totally random. i found an old yearbook the other day and i said i was going to search your name on here next time i was online... and i did... and you're what showed up...
well if you are who i think you are, then HEY!!! i dont know if you even remember me... but you were like one of my best friends back in the day... it'd be awesome to talk to you...
and if i'm just crazy and you have no idea what i'm talking about, SORRY!!! lol... 


That's the actual message- as you can see, I was always a dork. Anyways the chaos that would ensue because of that one simple message can only be described as "destined to be." After that we would exchange countless emails, video chats, and all night phone calls. He was stationed in Washington DC and I was still in MN. Memorial day weekend in 2006 I flew out to DC to see Jacob for the first time since the end of 3rd grade. That Tuesday before I left to fly home, a month and a day after the first email,  Jacob and I got married in a creepy lawyer's office underneath the court house in Virginia. 


The rest is pretty much history. Five years later we're happier and stronger than ever before. We have two beautiful little boys who brighten everyday and precious baby Zoe in Heaven looking down on us. 


All the things we've been through, all the struggles we've over come and the battles we still fight have got nothing on the fact that we're meant to be together. 


I'm so thankful that God brought the two of us together... 

{I can't believe how young we look!!}

Tiny Dragons

Jacob and I have talked about possibly starting to do children's books and educational toys and stuff like that. I know a decent amount about children's learning and he's a great artist. Chances are we won't do it but we've talked about it. If someday we do, we want to name it "Tiny Dragons" because we think it sounds cool. We're dorks.

So today while Liam is napping I felt restless. I wanted to do something but didn't really want to do anything. So I decided to play and make some "business cards" for our not real business.

HAHAHAHA. I am not an artist. But this was too funny to not share. It looks like my children drew those dragons... But they didn't. It was me :)

I think we'll leave the artwork to the hubby. 

Hopefully everyone at least gets a good laugh out of it! 

Okay?

I feel a bit bi-polar these days. I feel as though I've been strapped into a roller-coaster I had no desire to ride. Up and down. Down and up. Leaves me feeling exhausted.

There was a time a couple weeks ago where I told my Priest I was feeling really good. For the first time in a long time I felt "content." If we are blessed with more children, that's great. If not, I'm okay with that too.

And then came the reality check. One of the women at my church is pregnant. They have three beautiful children and are expecting their fourth. I'm happy for them. But I'm not looking forward to watching her tummy grow... Seeing everyone in the church anxiously awaiting the new arrival... Oh how I wish that were us...

And our baby sitter's mom is pregnant. Yup. Jacob thought it was pretty funny and was laughing and joking as he told me which completely devastated me. He didn't mean to upset me, I know he didn't. But for real. I'm 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD! How can I not get pregnant when women much older than myself are getting pregnant?!?! Isn't it supposed to be easy when you're young??

Add on top of that the fact that my period is really, really, really late. I've peed on more pregnancy sticks in the last month than I have in a long, long time. It's almost like a cruel joke to be honest. I finally went to the clinic the day before yesterday to get an official pregnancy test and it still came back negative. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told that this is okay. It's apparently okay to not get your period for up to six months. So she said to not worry about it. However, anyone who has taken a health class knows that if you're not getting your period, you're not ovulating... And if you're not ovulating, you're not going to get pregnant.

I feel as though the door is slamming in front of me. It's entirely possible that my cycle will readjust and there won't be an issue... Even if that is the case, we all know that doesn't guarantee I'll get pregnant then either. But what if it doesn't. What if this is my body giving me a big fat "no way!" I spent most of yesterday morning sobbing on the couch. I just don't even know what to say or do anymore.

So it turns out I'm not okay with this. It's much easier to be okay with something when you're not being confronted with it. But now being bombarded with babies, pregnancies, and my own body's craziness it's glaringly obvious I'm not okay. For real, will this ever get easier? Will I ever be okay?

Glorious Day

Casting Crowns is one of my all time favorite bands... I honestly don't think there's a single song of theirs I don't love... But this is one of my favorites:

This has been our first time really experiencing Lent in the Orthodox church... It's been a struggle, between the extra church services and fasting we've had good days and bad. But I'm incredibly thankful we're on this path.

Last night we attended the Matins of the 12 Passion Gospels service. It was the first time I've ever been to it and I honestly had no idea what we were in for. It ended up being a three hour service full of prostrations, beautiful singing by our choir, 12 Passion Gospel readings, and a lot of emotion. It's hard not to get emotional when thinking about what Christ has done for us...

Much has happened in the last 40-some days. I've blogged less than I thought I would after giving up facebook but I think this has allowed me to really delve deep into my own spirituality and struggles. One of these days I'm going to blog about all that has gone on but for now I'm just going to leave it at that.

Hope everyone has a truly blessed Easter weekend.

IEP shock

Life has been crazy here. I'm starting to come to the realization that maybe this isn't 'crazy.' Rather, this is the new 'normal.'

Today we had Jack's IEP meeting. I tried to prepare. Wrote myself lots of notes and lists. Even took a class about IEP last week. But the class wasn't really all that helpful to be honest. Rather, it left me with the feeling that I have all too often and the same feeling I get from the Autism community.

One of the biggest reasons I dislike the Autism community is that it's all a big contest. My child is more/less Autistic than yours, I have more/less to complain about than so-and-so, it goes on and on. It's completely awful. It makes me sick. And is why I don't really want anything to do with the Autism community. It doesn't take long on message boards for people to start jumping on one another and trying to 'one-up' one another. I don't want to play that game. I always leave feeling like my child isn't "autistic enough." Like I have no reason to complain. But no one knows what it's like to be in our home. Sure my child can talk, and I'm thankful for that, but that doesn't mean that my child always can/does use that ability to convey emotions and problems. And it certainly doesn't mean that we don't have other problems... I kind of got that feeling again today while in the meeting...

Back to the IEP meeting. There are things that really, really, really annoy me about the department of education. But since it costs about the same amount of money it would take to buy a new car to send your child to private school here it is what it is. After a two hour meeting we were left with resinating, simple statement. "We would like to 'mainstream' Jack." Which is AMAZING! That is the goal in it all, to get Jack into an inclusion classroom. However, I just don't know that he's ready. Everyone there seemed to think he is. I do want Jack to be challenged. I do want my child to succeed. But I don't know if I think he's ready to hold his own yet. And there inevitably will be repercussions if we do this and it's not the right decision. We don't really have much time to make a decision either. The classes fill up quickly and it's really important for us to make a decision sooner than later to get a spot. So tomorrow morning we're going to go visit the classroom and see. Everyone else has already jumped on this bandwagon- except me... I'm not sure if it's mother's intuition or if I'm just being overprotective... Either way, I'm really scared.

Crazy how we (Jacob and myself) went from being so gung-ho about homeschooling the boys to suddenly considering transferring Jack to a different school and possibly Liam too. Right now Liam just stays home with me but where Jack will be going Liam could attend too...

It's funny how a meeting can literally flip your whole life upside down... I guess that's what I get for thinking I've got it all figured out...

A little bit of randomness...

Well I haven't really been blogging recently. I've been really struggling with some things and so every time I sit down to blog it quickly turns into a pity party and I just don't want to go there. So there have been a few posts I've published and quickly taken down. One of these days I'm going to clear my head and write an update on life.

In an attempt to try to pull myself out of my rut yesterday we took the munchkins to the zoo. We haven't been there in close to a year now and they absolutely LOVED it. I finally convinced Jacob to test my theory that getting there as the zoo opens is the best time to go. And what do you know? I was right! It was cooler than usual, the animals were all up and moving around (it was feeding time), and there was hardly anyone else there that early (which was 9 am, I hardly consider that early but apparently it's early Hawaii time because there's hardly anything open or anyone around that time of morning).

It's hard to get photos of everyone looking at the same time- but this is close. Although Jack refused to look at me, at least he has a pleasant look on his face :)

They couldn't get enough of this place. I definitely think we're going to invest in a year pass so we can go more often!

After we got home the boys went down for a nap and I ran to the craft store to take advantage of a 20% off sale. We have SO many decorations for other holidays but absolutely nothing for Easter. I picked up some stuff and made an Easter wreath for our door.

Jacob thinks it's pretty cheesy but I dig it. Not bad for my first attempt at a wreath if I do say myself!

Unfortunately the day ended up just disastrous. I was trying to make myself a cup of tea before we left for church and was trying to pour out some of the water because I filled the cup too full and somehow (I honestly don't know what happened- I was arguing with the boys, cooking dinner, trying to get my shoes on, and make tea at the same time) I poured boiling water over almost my entire left hand. I toughed it out and went to church anyway but I spent most of the service thinking about how badly my hand hurt. Then we got home and as I tried to go to sleep I got insanely sick. Boo for the stomach flu. So I've quarantined myself to my room and Jacob's taken the boys to church. I'm hoping to try to catch up on some of the sleep I missed last night while the house is nice and quiet this morning. 

Photoshop Lovin'

One of my favorite things to do is to just play in photoshop. I'm a true digital art lover- especially of the photo/quote persuasion. So instead of melting my brain with random t.v. this evening I sat down and reacquainted myself with photoshop for the first time in much too long.

*sorry about the lame attempt at the watermark on the photo. I really don't know how to one correctly. But I don't really want random people stealing my photography. However, if you like this, I love sharing my photography :) Send me an email or leave your email address in the comments and I'll email you a hi-res copy (minus the lame watermark of course)! 

Recapping last week

A friend of mine needed a babysitter for her little man last week so I agreed to watch him.

It was much harder than I anticipated for many reasons.

First, it's hard to throw an 8 month old in the mix! Life is pretty scheduled around here and an 8 month old is a lot to just add out of nowhere. Second, I couldn't help but think about what life would be like if Zoe were going to be here soon. The boys both loved the little guy. And his toys. And playing with him. And pretty much everything. It was tough. Third, I was completely and totally unprepared for babysitting a little dude. We've gotten rid of pretty much anything even remotely close to baby related over the years. So finding things to occupy his time was quite challenging.

But we survived! And I think I learned a lot from the experience.

Although last week was painful in many way it was also a week of a lot of personal growth. I think I can for the first time confidently say that maybe it's ok that we will only have our two boys. Life is certainly easier with one kid per adult. And my boys are growing up so quickly. It's hard to snap back into "baby mode." I certainly would and could do it if we were given the opportunity to have another baby. But I think I have a new found appreciation for life as we know it. 

I've also been meeting with our Priest weekly. It's been really great. Jacob and I are going to start alternating weeks so from here on out it will be every other week but I'm really looking forward to it. He rarely tells me what to do, what not to do, what to or not to think, it's much more a guided exploration of my faith. He gives me all sorts of new prospective on life and God and I always leave with so much to think about. It's truly been a blessing!

Friday night I attended a barbeque at Jacob's boss's house. I was absolutely dreading going. I find stuff like that just plain painful. And quite frankly, I was exhausted! I could think of a million things to do instead, highest on the list being getting some dang sleep! But it turned out to be wonderful!! His boss's parents were visiting and his dad is involved in special education helping to make adaptive software for kids with special needs. We had some great conversations about Autism and he had some great suggestions. He also gave us his business card and offered to talk to some people back home (in Michigan) and see if anyone had any good suggestions of avenues to get some additional help out here. You can never have too many connections! Overall it was a fun evening even if I did stay out WAY too late.

Jacob and I have been talking about homeschooling our kids for quite awhile now. We're considering it for many reasons. We've finally progressed from talking about it to actually digging down and doing some serious research. We picked up a wonderful book Saturday evening filled with wonderful insights and suggestions plus some great tables and charts to fill out to figure out your "plan." We're still a long ways from making a final decision but I honestly can say that I'm starting to lean towards actually doing this! It's all very exciting. Both of my kids are so smart and I want nothing more than to raise them into the amazing men I know they can be. So many things are part of doing that- much of which won't be instilled in school. So why not just teach them myself? We've essentially been doing that with Jack for almost 2 years now with his tutoring programs which I think gives us a huge leg up in this all. It's not going to be easy by any means but I'm confident we can do this. We haven't decided 100% to do this yet and Jack continues to be in school full time and will continue for the foreseeable future. We're gearing up for his annual IEP review and we're going to continue to create the best education environment for him there while we sort through our options. We're praying for guidance in this new endeavor, it's a huge step that will change our lives. Your prayers would be greatly appreciated too! 

So that's pretty much last week. Today's a little off still, Jack's tutor is sick and Jacob's going to be gone at work for most of the day/night. But still closer to normalcy than last week was and I'll take it!

A Project in Photos

The Toy Closet:

Honestly, this is embarrassing. The photo doesn't really do it justice, under those boxes lies a minefield of toys. Liam has been begging me to 'help him' clean the closet out... Only because he could no longer access his toys. There have been plenty of times I've spent hours diligently cleaning and organizing this closet only for it to be destroyed again in a week- TOPS! So this time we went at it with a different attack... Get rid of as much stuff as possible! After all they don't play with half this junk anyway!

So this is where we're at now:

These kids basically have a library in their closet. One full shelf and two half full shelves of just books! Here's hoping they continue to love books as much as their mom and dad!

It's really sad to me quite frankly. Much of this is educational toys that we had for Jack's home therapy programs. But what I failed to see as I spent 100s of dollars was that he would very quickly out skill and out grow these things. I'm hoping to re-coup some of my losses here... But I know it will be a mere fraction of the money I spent. Anything we don't actually sell I plan on donating to the organization that Jack started his tutoring with! 

And now the kids can't possibly make as big of mess as they did before because they only have 1/5 of the toys to do it with! Happy kids and happy mommy = a successful morning! 

Now onto the other closets...

Friday 5

* I met with our Priest today. It was the first time I've ever actually had a meeting with him by myself. Typically the hubby's with me. And quite frankly I don't talk much. Jacob's very well spoken and much more 'scholarly' than I am so there really isn't a need for me to chime in much. It was really nice to talk to someone about Orthodoxy. And about where I am in life.

* While meeting with my Priest I realized something. I have an extremely hard time talking about Zoe out loud. I know, you're probably saying "duh" because I'm obviously still very much struggling with my miscarriage. I write about it on here. I think about it constantly. But very rarely do I speak about it. I guess it's just something I carry on the inside? I honestly had never realized until the very moment he brought it up and I was instantly overcome with sadness and pain. I choked back tears, trying to formulate sentences in response to his questions. Quite frankly, it's not ok. I obviously need to talk about Zoe. Not talking about her doesn't make it any less of a reality (maybe that's what this weird 'hold it all inside' attitude is subconsciously?!). So that is going to be a goal of mine. I want to talk about Zoe. I want to remember that I have a child in Heaven. Not just in my head, but in real life. This is kind of a big undertaking considering the vast majority of my conversations are held with toddlers but I think I can find a way to do this. And I want to try.

* We started a 'feeding protocol' with Jack and his tutor to get him to start trying new foods. To say that it is going well is really the understatement of the century. He literally HASN'T protested. He's been totally cool with it. So far it's just been single foods (I do think it will be harder with foods that are several ingredients) but even today his tutor commented that she could tell he didn't like the pineapple but continued to comply anyway. How unbelievably awesome is that?! And to top it off, this kid is eating like never before. And not grilled cheese 3 meals a day! Just today he ate eggs, sausage, a whole can of V8 blend (technically he drank that but it was a new item), goldfish, watermelon, pineapple, chips and salsa, a 'hot dog sandwich' (hot dog with cheese wrapped in bread), and various other snacks through out the day. What an amazing blessing. Seriously. I have spent many hours concerned about how we would get Jack to eat and starting to put on weight. But it's like he's a totally changed kid the last few days. He even insisted on eating broccoli and watermelon for supper Thursday night- and he ate almost the entire head of broccoli! This is absolutely an answered prayer. And I'm so thankful!!

* Aside from the eating, Jack is really doing all around incredibly well the past few days. When I got home this evening we had about 2 hours before bedtime. Liam, Jack, and I played board games for over an hour with no fighting or screaming- which has NEVER happened before. He was completely calm, cool, and collected. There were several times where I got lost just staring at him. As if someone had swapped out my child for another. I don't really know what to make of it to be honest. He's talking better than ever. Conversing more frequently than ever. It's amazing! We were sitting next to each other watching Jacob play some video games this evening and Jack actually reached over and rubbed my back with his hand. Something I do to the boys all the time. Just that nice, I love you, I'm here, quick brush along your back. He's never done that before. I looked at him and he looked right into my eyes and smiled at me. There are no words to describe it. It was something I will never forget. We sat next to each other for quite awhile longer and looked back over at him to see that he was totally mimicking me! I had been leaning forward with my head resting on my hand and he was doing the same thing. Something is changing in Jack. He's growing and maturing. It's so incredibly beautiful. I am so in love with and so proud of my son.

* Tonight I feel the most sincerely happy I've felt in a long time. Not that surface happy, nothing's going catastrophically bad right now, but a sincere, deep in my soul happiness. Something that I've been longing for for such a long time. I am incredibly blessed. And I am incredibly thankful.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

As you've probably noticed, I've been trying to customize the blog to my liking. It's been a process. I actually had it to a point I really liked it once and went to try to change some things and ended up completely screwing it up and not being able to revert it. But I think I've come to a stopping place. The photo in the background is actually one of my favorite photos I've ever taken- it's nice to be able to use it for something where people will actually get to see it :)

It is the gift of God

So I sold the stroller... I'm a little sad but I'm also relieved... we were pretty broke and so being able to sell the stroller has lifted a huge weight off our shoulders. And so I'm thankful too.

I put little man down for a nap and sat down in front of the computer. Ever had that feeling that you want to do something but you don't know what? That was exactly what I felt! I decided to pull out a canvas from under our bed (I stocked up at the last 40% off sale! I refuse to pay astronomical prices for blank canvases) and sat down with my bucket-o-paint. I came across a bible verse that I thought would go great in our kitchen...

It's not finished yet but I got the verse on there! You can't tell all that well but I painted the background to look almost old and distressed looking and then made a dark red color for the text. Our kitchen is pretty bare with only a few pictures of chickens (it started as a joke but I've fallen in love with our eclectic chicken kitchen) so the colors on this match wonderfully and will be a great addition! Now to let it dry and figure out what else I want to put on there to fill up the empty space... 

Moving on

I am a bit of a pack-rat. I like to keep things. Arguably too many things.
We have piles and piles of 'junk' in our garage that still needs to be sorted/trashed/donated. It's overwhelming and that is exactly why nothing has been done with them.
But we're trying to cut down on stuff in our house. Try to live with less. Especially the things that we don't need anymore.
So yesterday I decided to put our super expensive, wonderful, deluxe jogging stroller on Craig's List. We purchased it after we moved here in 2009. It was probably the most expensive thing we've ever bought other than our car and one of our t.v.s. Yes, it was that expensive. It took a lot of convincing to get Jacob to go along with it but I successfully made my case and we were the proud new owners of a BOB duallie stroller.
We used it a lot at first. The boys loved it because it was super comfy. The seats lay down, it has shock absorbers, a pivoting front wheel... It is quite a stroller. Part of my argument for purchasing it was that the weight limit is so high, the boys could ride in it forever! Well, it's true the weight limit allows that but the boys no longer enjoy being cooped up in anything. They are independent little men and want to walk everywhere. So we just don't use it anymore. Ever. It's actually been a couple months since I pulled it out of the garage and even then it was quite a battle to get them in it.
So we're getting rid of it. I have a lady coming in a couple hours to look and several people waiting anxiously to get a chance at it if she doesn't take it. I'm happy that it's going to be so easy to get rid of it and that we're going to get at least a portion of the enormous amount of money we paid for it. But I'm still really, really, really sad.
You see, this is kind of an end of an era for me. We will no longer own a stroller. The boys are too old now. They're certainly not babies anymore... Zoe isn't coming... And quite frankly it's not looking very likely we will ever have another baby. It breaks my heart.
Life is moving. It never stops. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. Why do kids have to grow up so fast?

(almost) wordless Wednesday

My life

TGIM

I can't believe I'm uttering that phrase. Thank God it's Monday. This weekend was just awful. I can sincerely say I wish we had gone straight from Friday evening to Monday morning. For real.

Basically everything that could possibly go wrong over the weekend did. But especially Saturday evening to Sunday.

Saturday night after having quite a bummer of a day Jacob and I decided to skip church for the evening and go out to eat and catch a movie instead. We only have a babysitter on Tuesdays and Saturdays so we rarely get to go out and do anything because we attend church those nights. Babysitter was of course late, we weren't ready to leave anyway, kids were going nuts as we were trying to leave the house- this should have been a sign... But we decided to pursue dinner and movie anyway.

The movie we wanted to see was at 7 so we didn't have much time to eat since we left late. So we decided to just grab a bite at a taco place we had a coupon for that is in the mall that the theater is in. We first bought our tickets and then scrambled down to the taco place. We spent nearly 20 minute in line waiting because the person in front of us was trying to use a weird coupon that the cashier didn't know how to enter into the computer. By the time we paid and got our food we sat down, inhaled it, and raced back to the theater. I insist on getting popcorn and soda, if I'm going to the movies I MUST have popcorn and soda! Of course the line we got in was the slowest. It took forever and by this point it was 7 o'clock. We get up to order and Jacob has lost his credit card!! Now the really impressive part about this is that he just got it. Literally. He activated it at about 5:30 before we left the house. But he had used it at the taco place so we knew he had it. So I paid cash for my snacks and Jacob raced down to the taco place to see if anyone found it. Which of course they hadn't. Because of all this we were stuck in the second row from the front of the theater. Popcorn was burnt tasting. Soda was flat. Just plain awful. And the movie wasn't that great either.

We never found Jacob's card. I think he must have thrown it in the trash when we cleaned up after eating. I remember the cashier handing it back to him wrapped in his receipt. No receipt anywhere, no card either. It's safe to assume they ended up together, in the trash. Jacob called the credit card company immediately and their computer system was down!! So at this point I'm freaking out at the off chance it fell on the floor and someone picked it up and was having a super Saturday night on our dime. Thankfully Sunday Jacob called and there was no other charges on it and they closed it and shipped him a new one.

I basically slept all day Sunday. I didn't feel up to doing anything. I just wanted to lay in bed and be sad. It's interesting how your body knows that there's something about a day even when your brain doesn't realize it. When I dragged myself out of bed and to the computer around 1 I realized it was the 20th. 5 months. I wonder if it will always be like this...

I tried to make myself a new pair of pj pants out of some fabric my mom sent me. Not only did my sewing machine straight break on me (I had to disassemble the whole darn thing and put it back together) but it screwed up sewing so many times. I spent more time ripping out seams then I did actually sewing. But it gets better. When cutting my seam excess I cut the pants not once, but twice. So after spending like 3 hours on a pair of pants that should have taken at most 45 minutes there are two huge holes in it. And then when I tried them on to see if it was even worth attempting to fix the holes I stuck my foot in one of the holes and made it even bigger! AHHHHH!! Needless to say, I ended up bawling on the floor having a complete meltdown.

I'd like to say that I woke up with this weekend behind me and ready to start fresh but that's just not the case. I wish this weekend had never happened! I'm off to cuddle up on the couch with Liam and try to forget about the dirty house I never got cleaned and the huge stack of laundry that I never finished this weekend. Here's hoping today is better...

New bag in the works...

Work in progress. I think I've perfected making pockets this time around! Super excited to get this bag finished up so I can use it!!

28 Weeks

I should be 28 weeks along now.
I should be anxiously getting ready for my new baby.
I should be complaining about how uncomfortable I am.
I should be searching to find clothes that fit my gigantic, cartoon like proportions.
I should be talking to my boys about the impending arrival of their new sibling.
I should be laying on my back watching my belly move at night.
I should be pregnant.

But I'm not. Almost 5 months have past. And it still hurts.

I hate this.

Best bag yet!

Definitely the best bag I've made yet. It's pretty plain but really cute. Honestly, photos don't really do it justice. I've stopped following tutorials online pretty much entirely and just kind of browse for tips and techniques now. It's really cool to watch something I saw in my head 'come to life.' The worst part is the lack of fabric stores on the island and the insane prices I find inside the few that are near here. I can find lots online but I'm just not comfortable enough yet with types of fabric to trust not being able to actually touch it.
Everything else in life pretty much sucks. I'm still feeling super sick. Honestly I just don't really feel up to blogging about anything important so I guess were going to just be stuck with craft blogs for awhile... I must admit sewing is now bordering on being an obsession but there's a therapeutic value to it that I am so incredibly thankful for...

Proof of Insomnia & Dr. Appointment Results

So I figured I'd post a couple pics of the robot stuff I made last night while I didn't sleep. The boys both enjoyed it very much this morning, coughs and sneezes included.

my camera phone kinda sucks. but you get the gist! 

this was the best face I could get from 'the sick one'

and this photo made my day. HAHA Liam the model :) Notice how he set Roarbert up on a pillow too? He had Ribbert on the other little pillow next to Roarbert but Jack stole him! 

Well Jack and I both went to the doctor this morning. Jack just has a cold. They gave me "permission" and the dosage to give him some over the counter children's cough meds and said I should definitely consider giving them to him at night, sleep is going to be the most effective medicine in this battle. Thankfully no ear infection!! I was worried because he kept telling me that they hurt but they're looking ok. 

And I too just have a cold. The doctor I saw (because the stupid appointment line people wouldn't just book us together- which of course the clinic told me that was what I should have done!) gave me some cough meds with codeine!! Hooray! I am very much looking forward to taking some tonight and getting some sleep after only getting about 3 hours last night. However, my ears were plugged because they were super waxy. Ever had your ears irrigated? Absolutely disgusting! I'm not going to go into detail about it because quite frankly I'm trying to block it out of my brain :) But now I have a wicked headache and I'm praying this nurse didn't mess up my ears, I'm in way more pain but I can hear now... you win some you lose some I guess...

Munchkins are sleeping so this mama is going to try to rest. We're skipping church this evening because I just don't feel up to it. Praying for a less sick tomorrow... I'm so over this! 

Insomnia

It's 1:58 a.m. and sleep is nowhere in sight.
Ugh.
Poor Jack has gotten sicker. He didn't seem nearly as sick today as yesterday but by this evening he was just miserable. We had class this evening so our babysitter put the boys down. Not even 5 minutes after we got home Jack woke up and was just sad. It breaks my heart to see him like this. He just kept asking me to hug him. I made him an appointment at the doctor for this morning so hopefully they'll be able to give us something to help him kick this... vitamins just aren't cutting it this time.
On the plus side during this bout of insomnia I made Jack a new fleece blanket and some throw pillows (as if a 3 year old needs throw pillows, lol, but I had extra fabric) to match his robot theme he's got goin on. At least I accomplished stuff I guess!
Well Jacob just sat up and told me to "go to sleep!!" So I'm going to attempt this sleep thing one more time...

Body aches, sneezes, and coughs OH MY!

Well Jack and I are both sick. Jacob was getting sick late last week but was better by Sunday. But it's fair to assume that we were infected by Jacob. We haven't really gone anywhere and Jack's tutors have been healthy recently so we're blaming Jacob :)
Yesterday was definitely the worst day so far. I woke up this morning and felt better and Jack looked significantly better as well. As the day has worn on I'm feel really achy and icky again. The boys are taking a super long nap right now so hopefully that means Jack's little body is working on kickin' this bug!
I knew going into today that laying around feeling sick just wasn't going to be an option. So instead of slowing down to let the sickness take hold I've been busy, busy, busy all day. Inevitably this evening I'm sure I will crash- but hopefully not until after I get to the grocery store! This mother's cupboards are incredibly bare!
So during nap today I decided to try to 'free hand' a little wallet. It turned out pretty well! The stitching is a little wonky in places but you can only see it on the inside so who cares! I definitely need to find a better way of sewing on zippers though, this was the first zipper I've ever "installed" so it was a learning experience. I'm pretty excited though! I found this fabric at the fabric store a few weeks ago and just had to have it. I bought it without having any idea what I'd use it for but this turned out to be a pretty good use (I still have ton left for another project eventually).
I'm getting really excited about all this sewing stuff. I'm starting to get pretty good at it! Jacob and I were talking the other day about what I'm going to do when both boys go to school. I really doubt I'm going to be able to just sit around at home all day. Maybe I'll become a seamstress?? It's a completely practical job that I could probably find work wherever we end up... Hmm... I guess time will tell! For now I'm trying to find some classes somewhere on the island so I can actually learn techniques and tips. I'm just not one of those people who can learn from youTube videos.
Anyways, as you can tell by the rambling my brain is a bit mushy today. So I'm just going to finish with a couple pics of the new wallet!!

if I had to pick a style of fabric to represent me, this would be it. I don't know what you would classify this type of design as but I LOVE IT!

you can see my crooked stitching on the one side, definitely because it was a complete PAIN to sew the zipper in the way I did, the other side is straight :) But it's got a big pocket on the one side and card holders on the other. 

Furniture, Furniture, Furniture

So on Thursday (pre-tsunami chaos) I decided to take it upon myself to rearrange our bedroom. Last weekend I rearranged the living room and it's wonderful! Now that I'm sewing a bunch I really don't have enough room for all my fabric and stuff so rearranging the bedroom to fit my "crafting needs" seemed like a great idea.
Our bed is MASSIVE. It's only a queen size bed but before we moved from DC a neighbor was selling a bedroom set for relatively cheap so we bought it. We were moving in a month so we never set it up until we got here. Had I known the massive size of this thing (it was all disassembled when we bought it) I wouldn't have bought this darn thing. It's just gigantic and it takes up half our bedroom. Because of that it's really hard to move furniture in our room. We have our bed, a computer desk, 4 full bookcases and other little tables. Way too much stuff.
I moved the bed and the tables around and created quite the mess. I actually ended up with less space! Plus I ended up with random end tables just stuck in the middle of the room because there was nowhere for them to go. Ugh! The hubby was pretty annoyed that I had taken this massive task upon myself. So we've been living in chaos for several days now.
Yesterday I began the arduous task of trying to rectify the situation. I spent all day trying to find places to stick stuff. Finally this morning I did it! I've successfully fit all the pieces together! My sewing stuff is neatly organized along the walls and the sewing machine as found a home! I'm ecstatic. But unfortunately I'm also exhausted. So much for getting some sewing done today!
Here's a couple pics of the new setup :)

SOOOO tired...

Well we survived yet another anti-climactic tsunami warning. At 2 am we decided that it didn't sound like anything was going to happen worth evacuating for. We checked the evacuation maps and and it turns out we're technically right on the edge of the evac zone. So we hunkered down and just waited. At about 3:30 it sounded like there was a minor wave down in Waikiki and that was about it. After a few phone calls from worried friends and family I drifted off to sleep around 4 am only to be woken up at 6 by my alarm- if only I had thought to shut it off!!!
Needless to say, it's been an incredibly long day. I managed to get an hour nap this afternoon but I'm so incredibly exhausted at this point I actually feel weak and woozy. Thankfully the boys are tucked in for the night and I'm about 10 minutes from doing the same.
I'll write more later. But right now I'm too tired to really formulate thoughts much less type them...

Less than 3 hours and counting...

Well if you missed my first post, we're in a tsunami warning. The first wave is expected to hit around 3:07 a.m.

So you might wonder what I'm doing? Right now I'm just waiting. We're in the evacuation zone. It's actually eerily quiet here. But we're waiting for about another hour. Jack is of course getting sick and the boys went to sleep really late tonight so we want them to get as much sleep as possible before we wake them up. I'm actually kind of anticipating they'll wake up sooner than later, the sirens are all going off and the military police are canvasing the area telling everyone to leave. But I want to assure everyone that I'm not crazy, we have 3 hours before it gets here and we only have a few blocks to go.

So I've done some laundry, packed our bags, cleaned the kitchen and the living room :) At least if my house is going to flood I'm not going to have garbage and toys everywhere!

Prayers going out to the people in Japan, what a horrible, horrible event. It sounds like it's just complete devastation over there. I was really not concerned about this tsunami warning after last years anticlimactic warning but after hearing that this was the worst earthquake to hit in 140 years I'm definitely more concerned...

Times like this I'm thankful that we're in the military. Sounds like things out in town are just nuts. Gas stations are out of gas, traffic is backed up everywhere, just complete chaos. Thankfully we only have to go just across base!

I'll update whenever anything changes...

Here we go again...

When we got home from church this evening I hopped online only to see that Japan had a massive earthquake. GREAT.

We had a tsunami warning last year and it was just awful. We had to evacuate for hours, Jacob had to go to work because his shop runs the base news channel, and absolutely NOTHING happened. It was probably the most anti-climactic event I've ever lived through.

Well we're in a tsunami warning right now. The first wave is expected to hit just before 3 a.m. The sirens already went off once. And of course, just like last time, the phones are basically down. You can't really send texts or make phone calls- I assume this happens because so many people are trying at the same time. It's incredibly scary though. There is absolutely no way to get ahold of anyone. I woke Jacob up (because he was of course already sound asleep as this is all happening) and he tried calling our neighbor who works for the military police and his chain of command, but no luck, no phone service. So hopefully nothing crazy happens. And hopefully we don't get evacuated at like midnight. Last time it was like a scene from an apocalypse movie, tanks with Marines in full gear rolling through the streets with loud speakers, banging on doors, telling everyone to get the hell out. Definitely not what I want to be doing in the middle of the night. And of course we live in the tidal zone! I can actually see the ocean from my driveway, it's about a block, maybe a block and a half from our house.

Ugh. It's going to be a long night...

What I've done today...

So I haven't done a whole lot for anyone but myself today. But sometimes days like this are necessary. I've been sewing like crazy recently but I haven't sewn anything for myself. Until today!

I had these two old dresses in my closet balled up in the corner for probably about a year now. I'm notorious for buying things I like and then they don't fit. LOL. Of course I never return them. But today I had a brilliant idea to turn the dresses into skirts! I just cut off the top of each of them (which was the part that didn't fit- I'm much too top heavy, nothing fits!) and just sewed across the top! I had to add elastic to the one because it was gigantic when I removed it from the top part. But the other was gathered enough that I just had to clean up the edge. Easy peasy! And I LOVE them. I absolutely adore the fabric which was why I bought them in the first place. And now I can actually enjoy them! Conveniently I was just about to endure the horrific task of trying to find some new skirts for church.. and now I don't have to!! YEAH!!

And my real success of the day is....

A cute little cover for my Bible! I have terrible eyes so I had to find a large print bible and I love the King James Version so I was left with virtually no "cute" options. It's actually a really ugly maroon color. I've always disliked it but I dealt with it because it was the version and the size text I needed. Jacob once tried to buy me a case for it but it too was horrific- It looked like a "Barbie" case, bright pink and sparkly, not quite my cup of tea. So I set out to sew myself one I liked! I absolutely love this fabric but I'm down to almost just scraps of it and I can't find anymore anywhere. But thankfully there was just enough left for this! It was surprisingly easy to do too. I added a little brown button down on the bottom right corner for some embellishment and made a little page marker to match the case (the one on the Bible is ugly maroon too!) but you can't see it all that well on here but it's there! 

So day two of no facebook has turned out to be incredibly productive :) 

Why I ditched Facebook

Ditching Facebook was something I've talked about doing for awhile now. But I just never worked up the courage to do it. Lent was my catalyst.


I find Facebook completely perverse. Don't get me wrong, social media does indeed have a place and does do good things. But what I see most frequently is not that. (I'm going to go ahead and use the word "we" although I'm mostly referring to myself, I'm not pointing my finger at anyone else, but I do think these statements apply to others, surely they do.) We use facebook updating our status 10 times a day about what color our poop was, how many times our kid cried, that we're pissed because the lady at the grocery store gave us the stank eye, that someone cut us off in traffic, and so on. Let's be honest, none of this matters. I shouldn't get upset because someone cut you off in traffic, and quite frankly neither should you. It's life. By having this soap box to stand on we begin to think that it's ok to complain and moan about the most rediculous things. Society seems as if we're no longer able to deal with day to day things. Everything is bigger than it should be. And most of it isn't even important. It's this "celebrity" mentality that we get caught up in. Like people SHOULD care. But they don't. They may say they do, but chances are they really don't. 

And "friends" on facebook... I know people who have 100's of friends. Now I would challenge those people to give me 10 facts about a quarter of those people, real facts, not stupid status update facts. As we begin to invest our time and energy into these fake relationships our real relationships inevitably begin to deteriorate. Instead of sending someone a hand written note or a thought out email we drop someone a note on Facebook with some short, meaningless, impersonal thought. There's no real relationship involved there. When things go south in your life those status updates and notes won't hold you while you cry. They won't comfort you when the world's falling apart. You need real life people to do that. The computer will never be able to hug you, no matter how many times you use "(( ))" or "***" or any other weird use of punctuation, those things don't replace tangible, real relationships.

I also find myself falling into this trap of envy. It's so easy to be envious of what others have when it's up in your face all the time. Everyone's lives look so honky-dory online. But I doubt they really are. So much of what I see on Facebook is completely fake. But our human nature doesn't necessarily get that. Whether that person's life is truly perfect or not is irrelevant when their "perfection" is right there all day. And I'm human. I get jealous. 

Somedays it's SO hard to see people complaining about how crabby their kids are (which I know I've done too!) when Jack's been screaming and literally bouncing off the walls because he's completely disregulated from a bad day at school. What I would give to have regular good old temper tantrums. It's hard not to envy others being able to go out and do whatever they want as a family regardless of fluorescent lighting, crowds, and noise levels. I can't help but envy those moms who can take both kids out to the grocery store alone. I can't do that. And I hate it. And facebook just brings those things to the surface. What I'd give to be able to watch some trashy reality t.v. instead of arguing with the school over Jack's education and having phone call after phone call with the insurance company and tutors to get him the things he needs. 

Which then brings me onto the whole babies and pregnancy thing. It's been well over a year now since I have wanted to get pregnant again (I've stopped counting). And it's been almost 5 months since we lost Zoe. Seeing EVERYONE (and I mean that, for real, EVERYONE is pregnant or just had a baby!) going on and on about morning sickness and ultrasounds and midnight bottle feedings and diaper changes HURTS. It really hurts. 

Now I realize most of this lies within me. I get that. But I do think that facebook is going to be the downfall of our society... ok maybe that's a bit dramatic, but there's some validity to it. People don't even know how to spell anymore. People don't know how to have a meaningful conversation. People don't really interact with one another. People don't even know what's real and truly important anymore. And that's sad!

So I'm ditching the facebook for awhile. Lent is a time to draw close to God and realize what has been done for us. A time to deal with our passions and our demons. To come to know ourselves and truly know God. And that's exactly what I'm going to try to do. 

So here we go. Day 1 almost down. It's been surprisingly easy so far. I've thought about it from time to time but I've managed to keep myself busy and so it hasn't been too much of a struggle. It kind of feels like I've cut one of the chains holding me down. Who knows, maybe I won't go back after Easter... 

Facebook!

I'm off the addiction. Just logged out for the last time until after Easter. I'm excited but nervous... I hope I can do this!

Hopefully with all the extra time I'm going to have I'll be able to do more bloggin!

Wish me luck folks!

Maybe I missed something...

(this is actually a post I did for my autism blog, but it seemed like it could/should be posted over here too)

While Jack was being diagnosed with Autism we were asked billions of questions about family history. No one in either my family or my husband's was ever diagnosed with Autism. But one of my brothers and all 4 of Jacob's brothers have ADHD. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and (although not diagnosed) obsessive compulsive behavior. Jacob too has had depression.  

So I really thought that Autism came from a combination of all the complications of Jack's pregnancy. It was awful. My blood pressure was high from the beginning, fluid levels were dropping constantly, and at our 20 week ultra-sound it was discovered that Jack's kidneys were dilated. Because of all this we were going and getting high definition ultra sounds done at another hospital once a month. The final month of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I had the steroid shots because no one thought he would make it to term. At 34 weeks we went for an ultrasound only to discover that my placenta was dead and Jack wasn't growing at all anymore. So I had an emergency c-section and Jack was born 6 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds.

I have no idea what caused Jack's Autism. He never regressed, he just stopped keeping up with milestones, which leads me to believe it didn't have anything to do with vaccines (although I do think there is some validity to those arguments, I just don't agree that the vaccines 100% cause Autism). 

Lately I've been doing some "soul searching." Lots of things in my life are not as I would like them to be. And I've found myself taking a good long stare in the mirror...

Sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe I have Aspergers. 

Tonight I sat down and started researching the "signs" in adults with Aspergers. I actually found somewhere online that you can take a test (obviously not meant to be a diagnosis but merely a tool to use on your own). If you scored over 32 you could very well have high functioning Autism or Aspergers. I scored 36.

As I took the test I suddenly started pouring over the details of my childhood. I was OBSESSED with reading. I read all day, all night, all the time. Kids used to make fun of me for it. I had no desire to have friends. I just wanted to read and be in my own world. I was also obsessed with numbers. I have very vivid memories of laying in bed making up math equations based on whatever numbers were in the time (i.e. 2:24 would work out into all sorts of things like 2+2=4 but often more complicated than that). It was absolutely a self-soothing thing. I would put myself to sleep doing that and rubbing my feet together (which I also did whenever I got nervous) and quite frankly I still do. I was really good at math too. When I was in 4th grade we would do these multiplication tables and time ourselves as a class. I was so good that I actually had several "face-offs" with my teacher to see who could do them fastest. Sometimes she won, sometimes I did. I was reading Shakespeare for fun by sixth grade. And I had a photographic memory. I could recall scenes like photos in my brain. I also had a pretty narrow field of interest, I loved animals. I read every book in several series about horses. I was incredibly smart. But really awkward.

As I grew older I discovered that by becoming like the people I surrounded myself with I would be accepted. I began to mold myself into whatever group of friends I had at the time. Which often was a terrible thing (I was always drawn to the trouble makers, the kids on drugs, etc. Maybe because they were the easiest to fit in with?). But that's actually how I began making friends. And still to this day I find myself absolutely manipulated by whatever the people I hang out with are like. Right after we moved out here I had made a friend who was just a mess and a total drunk, sure enough a couple of months later I was a borderline alcoholic and a complete mess myself. Thankfully I was smart enough to stop that friendship and although I'm still a mess most days, I no longer drink...

Which leads me to where I am now. I don't have any friends. Quite frankly I prefer it. Friends are a hassle to me. The few people I was friends with since moving to Hawaii would come over and we would just sit in the living room of my house watching my kids. I really never had anything to say, and often just wanted them to leave. I find having "friends" online so much easier. They can't hassle you, they're there when you want them to be there. It's so much easier for me to handle answering an email than to have a conversation with someone. I like to piece together my thoughts methodically. If I don't, I often times sound like either an idiot or I'm rude.

All these things combined make me really think maybe I do have Aspergers...

Hmmm...

But it really doesn't matter. I am who I am. And no diagnosis could change that. It's just interesting...