I did it!

I put my big girl panties on and fired Jack's tutor and the company providing services :) 


I must admit, I chickened out somewhat and did it by email, Jacob says I'm crazy and that I should have at least called her. But I truly think this is best. I'm pretty pissed right now and I don't deal well with confrontation so it was best for me to calmly and cooly put together an email rather than try to have a discussion about it. And it's over. There was no coming back from this anyway so I don't see a problem in what I did... Even if it is just because I'm chicken!


So I've been bothering Jack's case manager through the insurance company like crazy. Thankfully she's a wonderful woman and extremely helpful. She said that we're not the only family who has had this issue with this company and also with other companies that have been on board for a long time. You would think that people would realize the importance of stability for these kids. But they just don't. I must say I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one, I guess it gives me some validation. So if we can't get into the company we want, with our old tutor, she suggested we try out one of the new companies the insurance company just started accepting. We have 4 choices. Being that they're new each of them should have a pretty good selection of tutors and offer more stability. So that's plan b!


I contacted the new company where our old tutor is now. They have her assigned to another case already but she hasn't started so they're going to see if maybe they can switch some schedules. It would be SO wonderful to get her back!!! So we should know early next week (hopefully) what the game plan is. 


So we're on our own for probably a couple weeks. But for the first time I'm not really scared by that. When we transferred from Early Intervention to DOE services I was terrified at the thought of not having any tutors for a couple weeks. But I think I've matured a bit since then, and I'm significantly more confident in my ability to handle things. I CAN do this!! 

Another one bites the dust...

Ahh yes, here we are again amidst the perfect storm. 


Jack's new tutor quit on us. This will be our 3rd tutor in less than 2 months. I actually haven't even heard from her (which I totally think is rude), her boss/Jack's program supervisor called me today to say that she had put in her two weeks notice. Only problem is her last day is the 31st... so something doesn't add up? Either my understanding of "a week" is wrong or she put in notice over a week ago and no one told me?!? Supposedly she had only taken this job to make some extra money while her fiance tried to find a job. Umm hello? If you're trained in special needs wouldn't you know that this isn't a "willy-nilly" "spur of the moment" type of job? Your decisions have consequences. You can't just be a tutor for a month and quit! Get a job at frickin Macys or something! Why don't people understand that they're seriously f-ing with my kid? UGH! And to make it even worse, she was here Monday and Tuesday last week and won't be here until Thursday/Friday this week. Couldn't you have quit BEFORE you needed a bunch of time off so that I could have gotten a replacement and not have a huge break in services? FRUSTRATING! So it turns out C (the boss lady) doesn't even actually have anyone to replace K yet. She put an ad on Craig's List today looking for someone to fill the position. GREAT. Are you kidding me? This is all such a joke!


So I contacted Jack's last tutor, the one before K, to see if she was tutoring again. She's gotten a job with another company tutoring- and they actually take our insurance! So tomorrow I have to sort through a million phone numbers to try to figure out how I can switch companies and essentially fire the one we have now. Hopefully we can just get our old tutor back. She was AMAZING. Jack still asks about her. And she really knows her stuff! She's a special ed teacher and absolutely adored Jack. So wish me luck. I'm not looking forward to this switch at all, I hate paperwork and procedural crap but it must be done. I've never "fired" anyone before either. So yeah, wish me luck!


I really need to get this all resolved, like I said, it's the perfect storm all over again. Jack's last regression started after a 2 week break from school, change in tutors, and the teacher's assistants at school changed too. Which is exactly what is happening all over again. UGH!!! I have so much to do, and so little energy to do anything. It's gonna be a rough week... 

1000s of Miles...

This will be my fourth year celebrating Christmas without my family. And that sucks. It's actually been so long now that I really don't remember what it was like to be with my brothers and parents. It's weird how we've all grown up... My parents are spending Christmas Eve down in St. James with my Grandparents, Aaron is (I believe) spending it with his wonderful girlfriend Abbie's family, and my baby brother Matty is hunkered down somewhere in Afghanistan. Matty definitely has the worst deal of all. And I feel bad. I miss him so much. But thankfully he will be home *hopefully* early February and then come August, he'll be getting stationed at the Army base across the island from us- how lucky are we??


This is the first year we're going to be spending Christmas just the four of us. Jack's first Christmas Jacob's brother Jared was living with us, and last year and the year before Jacob's mom was living with us. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws dearly, but it's just not the same as having MY family here. 


I have to admit, it's probably better this way. Jack's pretty edgy these days. He's been out of school for exactly a week today, and it's starting to show. I hate how changes in his schedule really mess everything up. And there's nothing we can do about it. Such is life. Tonight I'm going to sit down and make up a picture schedule for tomorrow morning to try to help Jack through the chaos. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it all. We're just crossing our fingers for no major melt-downs... I'm sure there will be some crying and screaming but if we don't have any HUGE tantrums, it will be a success. We're going to cross our fingers and hope between the picture schedule, lots of sensory, and lots of deep breaths (on my part of course!) we'll all survive :) 


Merry Christmas!!

Life

I have such a heavy heart today. I knew it was coming. After all, today is the 20th, a day that will forever stand out in my heart...


Two months ago today, October 20, I had a miscarriage. It feels so wrong to even type those words. I guess it was naive of me to think that I wouldn't ever suffer a loss of a child. And quite frankly that isn't even true. It's my biggest fear. But I honestly didn't imagine I would ever have a miscarriage, literally no one in my entire family has had one, or so they say. Surely that would mean that I should be in the clear. And after having such a difficult pregnancy with Jack I guess I kinda thought my body was super tough or something. But oh was I wrong.


I had no idea I was pregnant. We have been trying to get pregnant again for nearly a year with no success. Once we came to September and I knew I was going to be having surgery on my foot the end of the month we were actually trying NOT to get pregnant. Ironically, that is exactly when we did. And with that comes all sorts of feelings of guilt. I should have known. I had a pregnancy test shortly before my surgery but it came back negative. I guess I wasn't pregnant enough yet? That whole thing is a mystery to me. But I was. It really is no wonder that we lost the baby, I had surgery on my foot and I was put under for it, then was on pretty heavy pain killers for a couple weeks after that. Everyone kept telling me that heavy pain meds can mess with your cycle so not to worry about my period being late... Which was exactly why I never thought I was pregnant. But I should have known...


It all happened so fast. I had no idea what was happening. My parents were here. It was awful. Even after it happened I wasn't sure that THAT was what happened. So I called the hospital and after hours of waiting finally spoke to a nurse who told me just to take a pregnancy test and come in the next morning. That is when it became real. Those two lines I had been waiting for the last year were the exact thing I feared seeing more than anything. And there they were. Glaring at me. And that is when reality hit. I have no idea how I managed to tell my parents I had to go pick Jacob up from work, I have no idea how I drove to Jacob's work, but I'll never forget the moment he got in the car. Our lives were forever changed. 


The months since I've been a zombie. Trying to maintain consciousness when all I want to do is cry. Trying to pretend like everything is ok when it's anything but. Holding my boys so tight and trying to find a way to hide my sobbing because I'm so thankful for them yet so broken that I have a baby in heaven who we'll never meet on this Earth. A little brother or sister that I know they would have loved to pieces. A missing piece in our life. Forever.


And now it's Christmas. And although it's supposed to be a joyous time I can't help but feel there is a rain cloud above me always. Ironically, I got pregnant with this baby the exact same time I got pregnant with each of the boys. They were born June 7th and 10th and my due date for this baby would have been around the 9th or so. So I can't help but remember... remember what the Christmas' were like when I was pregnant with them and long to be pregnant right now...


After the miscarriage we spoke with our Priest and his wife and they suggested that we name the baby. Something I hadn't ever thought to do but seemed so right. Since I wasn't nearly far enough along to tell if we would have had a boy or a girl we thought about using a unisex name (seems silly in hindsight but we did). But nothing felt right. And when we were on our way to Church one evening Jacob suggested we use the name Zoe which means "life" in Greek. We can't ever find out if we would have had a boy or a girl but one thing is for sure and that is that we had a life, another child, our child. And so that is the name we decided on. Our little Zoe. 


I'm still drowning in this all. Hopefully I will find some peace, preferably sooner than later. But for now I'm just going to keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that's just keep breathing. 

When will they get it?

Yet another meeting at the school yesterday. Something I was dreading. Not only am I so over this I had to go by myself because there was no one to watch the munchkins so Jacob stayed home with them. 
It was myself, Jack's teacher (we'll call her Mrs. M), the autism consultant, and a counselor of some sort. Right from the start I knew it was going to be rough after the counselor asking us what Jack's strengths were and Mrs. M had nothing to offer. Ummm he's been in your class for 5 months now, give us at least one strength! Really?! 
We then worked our way into "problem behaviors." It took every ounce of strength I possess to not scream and/or cry at this point. It is SO hard to sit and listen to someone rag on your kid, saying that he's the "problem" in the classroom, that he doesn't know things that I know damn well he does. Each sentence was a blow to the stomach and they just kept coming. "Jackson can't/won't/doesn't do anything." Over and over and over again.
Many of Jack's "problem behaviors" in school come from them not doing their job. Many of these problems we don't have at home because we're doing what we should be doing and the expectations and the environment is appropriate. Specifically his sensory issues. We do sensory activities every 20 minutes to keep him calm cool and collected at home. No matter how many times I've told them this they're still only doing it TWICE a day. Yup, twice in SIX hours! No wonder why he can't focus and do what they want of him! I swear to you, Mrs. M actually brought up the fact that Jack has a hard time transitioning into music time... now music time is immediately after recess. So if you were running around in the sun and 80 degree weather for 30 minutes you'd probably have a hard time sitting down and singing too. I know I would! Transitions have always been a struggle for Jack. But to expect him to transition from a running/active activity to a structured sitting activity with no help whatsoever is unreasonable. Autism aside, he's THREE.  
The list goes on and on and on. So many of these problems would be minimized if they would just implement and use the suggestions that myself, the autism consultant, and the occupational therapist have provided, but they don't. Why you ask? Because for one the teacher is obviously completely overwhelmed with 9 special ed kids to herself and one untrained education assistant who's been there for a month and a brand new one who started yesterday (and is only temporary, they're *hoping* to have a regular person hired by after break). It's all a complete and utter joke. I get it, I get that she's tired and overwhelmed but that's no excuse to just dismiss my child as a "problem" and refuse to try to make school work for him. 
Is this really what we have to look forward to for the next 13 years? I don't know that I can do this. The whole situation is entirely unhealthy and unproductive for myself and my child. 
So at this point we're waiting for 2.5 weeks until after Christmas break to do the next meeting. The most frustrating part is knowing that fall break was what started this spiral. And we're going to do it all over again, only longer, for Christmas. Chances are we will come back after break and everything will once again be different and we'll be walking deep into yet another regression and starting over at square one. UGH. 
And to top it off, Jack takes his favorite blanket, Gumby, to school with him now because he refuses to nap without it. I didn't want to start doing this because I knew it would be an issue. Last Wednesday Gumby didn't make it home, got left at school, and we had to go get it quick before the school closed. Well yesterday I was at the meeting when Jack got home and Jacob apparently didn't know to check for it. It was 5 o'clock by the time I realized it was missing and Jack was HEARTBROKEN. We had a terrible, terrible, terrible night last night. All because the school just simply can't pull their act together. I understand mistakes, I truly do, but twice in less than a week? Come on now! How hard is it to put a blanket in his backpack, you take it out of there every morning, put it back where you found it dang-it! I taped a gigantic fluorescent green note to the front of Jack's communication log last night reminding them about Gumby coming home each night... There's no way they can forget now (I hope)! 


On the other side of my pity party coin is the fact that this morning was the first time I've seen my husband in days basically. He began working on a project last Thursday for some of the high ups on the base creating a "booklet" on some random military crap. He got home from work at 8 Friday night, worked all afternoon Saturday, went into work Sunday night at 7 and didn't get home til 7 am Monday morning, slept for a couple hours and was back there from 11-11 yesterday (aside from the hour he was home watching the kids but that didn't really count because we basically said hello as we ran past each other to the car/house). So this booklet is like 200 pages, hand-drawn on the computer by my husband. That's not a booklet, that's a novel. Wanna know the best part? This morning one of his marines ran over a copy of it to one of the guys Jacob's making this for and guess what he said?! "This isn't at all what we wanted!" They're looking for like a 30 page document. With no pictures (we're talking hours of hunting for the images he put in that thing). So basically the project that stole my husband was a bust. And now he'll probably be at work late again tonight redoing the whole damn thing. FrUsTrAtInG (more so for Jacob obviously but I seriously hate not getting to see him for days at a time and having to do everything around the house and with the kids 100% by myself for days on end. It's so exhausting!).


Well I guess that's the end of yesterday and today's sob story. I just wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything...

Love

I wanted to write this blog last night after our class at church when everything was still fresh but I just never managed to do it. So this is going to be kind of scattered, but we're gonna give it a go anyway.


Faith is an act of LOVE. 


I find myself dwelling on this abstract word of "love" recently. I love good music. I love my friends. I love my family. I love sunny days with a breeze. No matter how much I love these things my love for them is nothing with out action. Doing something about it. Acting upon it. This is a lesson I see over and over again in my own life. The lack of action. This absolutely includes my love and relationship with God.


I do in fact love God. I swear I do. And I know God loves me, after all, He IS love. The Orthodox church defines sin as (basically) a personal movement away from God, an act of self-will. This is different than many other denominations I've encountered where sin is much more of a breaking of a rule(s). No matter how much I suck (which is quite a bit these days), no matter how much I fight Him, no matter how unwilling I am to do the right thing, none of that has any effect on God's love for me. WOW. Even though I feel millions of miles away from Him right now I can rest assured that it wasn't Him who moved, who changed, it was me. God's love doesn't waver... Ever. 


Father Paul quoted a little bible passage last night (I believe from Revelation but I could be wrong) in which Christ says "I stand at the door and knock." I can hear it. It's interesting how although God works in mysterious ways and puts constant little reminders in my life (when I choose to see them) of His love but doesn't "force" Himself on me. He stands there, waiting. Faith is an act of love, a voluntary action, a virtue, a personal decision. So when am I going to act upon it? When is enough going to be enough? When will I start moving back towards God rather than spiraling away from Him? Sometimes I truly wish He would just force Himself on me, it would be SO much easier if I just had to do what I am supposed to do. To have a clear-cut, step by step, moment by moment instruction as to what exactly I am supposed to be doing and be pushed in that direction. But He doesn't work like that. And I can see why. God didn't create the Earth to have a bunch of zombie robots wandering around...


Ironically I know all these things, I truly do. I know it in my head but my heart, well, we're not there yet. I struggle so much with feelings of self-loathing, self-doubt... Why would God want ME? But I know He does. 


I was on the playground with Liam and another little boy I babysat yesterday reading a yoga magazine. I typically don't read a whole lot of the articles because a lot of it is weird, new-agey spiritual gunk that I don't really put any stock in. But I started reading this article about how yoga "changes" a person. As I was reading it I found it all incredibly weird that these were things people attribute to yoga but I found that it really spoke to me about God. I had one of those "ah-ha" moments as Oprah would say. Coming to God is a transformational experience. But where I've been getting it wrong my entire life is in my hope that God would make me into a different person, a better person. The truth is, God doesn't change us into something we're not. He merely strips away all the junk and clutter in our lives to expose the person we are and always have been deep down inside. Who we really are. God loves me for me! The me that's hidden somewhere below the self-loathing, guilt, bitterness, and anger. Because He knows me. He loves me for me. 


And that is profoundly beautiful. 

What if I just can't do this?

I'm so tired. So tired. Complete and utter exhaustion. My house is a wreck (which is so much worse than usual with chaos amidst Christmas decorations). And this weekend has been terrible. Can I get a break? Just for awhile?
We've been really slacking on a lot of things we had once been so good at. We rarely sit down and eat meals together since Jacob's work schedule is so insane. When we were at Jack's meeting Friday they asked what his eating habits were at home... Insert complete embarrassment. With things being so nuts I really just let him pick whatever he wants and if he refuses to sit at the table I don't push it. It's just not worth the battles these days. And with him being so insanely picky these days I'm really just glad he's eating. Well, this is probably NOT helping the issue of eating lunch at school. My bad. Three year olds just don't understand that things aren't always the same at home and school. So being able to eat whatever, whenever at home is really (more than likely) making lunch time a horrible task for him at school. Ugh. Now we must start regulating home eating yet again. Something we should do anyway, after all, it is the right thing to do. But it's hard... And I just don't want to do it gosh darn it! 
We used to take the boys out on at least one outing per weekend. We really haven't been able to do it lately because Jacob's schedule is INSANE and after last weekend's incident I definitely am not doing it myself. But we should, neither of the boys are going to learn to control themselves in public if they never are. Liam's excellent, but it's because I take him out with me whenever I run errands during the week while Jack's at school. But when the boys get together it's just chaos. Yesterday we tried to take the boys to the Christmas parade in the town next to us. We of course got going late (I was surprisingly on the ball and had everything ready to go and in the car LONG before we left, but a certain someone wouldn't get off the couch and get in the dang shower). I figured we should be close to the start of the parade route because we wouldn't be able to stay for the whole thing because we had a meeting with Jack's in home BCBA an hour and a half after the parade started. Well it was PACKED down by the start. We found a spot behind a woman and her child. Perfect! The boys could be situated so they could see. Well the parade started and up came five adults to sit with that woman and child. Annoying. No one could really see anything. And then Jacob was holding Jack up so he could watch and Jack peed EVERYWHERE! All over himself and Jacob. So we had to leave. Bring on major meltdowns by both children. We dragged two screaming kids back to the car, peeled Jack's soaked pants and pull up off and put on a new one. I of course in my infinite wisdom didn't bring extra pants with us so Jack freaked out about not having pants. He found an empty matchbox package in the back of the car and was screaming about wanting the cars on the back of the package (why do manufacturers do this??). We then had a long drive home through major traffic and detours with Jack screaming in the backseat and Liam yelling at him to stop screaming. Epic Mommy fail. And of course the meeting we had to come home for never even happened. Why can't I get a break?!?
The boys have been up off and on all night for the last two nights. A solid night sleep is really the only thing that gets me through the day. I'm running on empty. 
And none of the things we wanted to get done yesterday got done. Absolutely nothing. Yup, this is me in major pouting mode. 
I refused to go to church this morning. Jacob took both boys with him and went anyway. I should be either cleaning or napping. But I don't want to do either. I've wasted over an hour just staring at the computer screen. I'm going to regret this. 
It's just so hard to do anything when you feel empty inside. 

Riding the wave...

I'm just not sure "where I am" anymore... I sincerely feel as though I'm in the middle of the ocean. Just riding the waves. Sometimes they consume me. Sometimes I stay afloat. Nothing lasts very long. Just up and down, up and down.
Stuff with Jack's school isn't going well. I really thought after our meeting things would get better but they still aren't doing the things they need to. I really just don't think they have the capabilities to do what he needs. But they really don't want to give him a one-to-one tutor. Looks like this is going to be the battle I thought it would be after all. They want to push back his meeting but I'm trying not to let that happen. We're going on two months of regression here, I don't have another week to spare...
Yesterday I had to run to the exchange and the commissary. Jacob was working so I decided I would take both kids, by myself. Something I never do. It's just so incredibly hard when you have a child who is completely and utterly unpredictable. We raced through both stores and things were going great! I was so excited, maybe I can do this! Maybe I can start taking both kids by myself, like a "typical" parent... But when we went to leave the commissary we had to exchange the car cart (a cart with a little car attached to the front) for a regular cart because you can't take them out of the store. I had Liam directly in front of me "helping" me push the cart and Jack was along side of it holding on, just as he's supposed to. We walked out the first door and Jackson sprinted. Of course right into the parking lot. Can you say heart attack? I stopped the cart and told Liam to stay right there (probably not the smartest thing, but in the moment I didn't know what else to do and Liam listens incredibly well). I ran as fast as I could to grab Jack before he made it into the main body of the parking lot. Thankfully I caught him. Thankfully he didn't get hit by a car! Ugh! He of course didn't understand that he had done anything wrong at all. Sometimes little things in life can be so incredibly hard when you're dealing with Autism... So much for being able to take both kids by myself. It will be a long time before I dare to do that again.
I've been having some incredibly weird dreams lately. The most recent one was that the Joker (yes, the joker from batman) was crashing airplanes. First one crashed just outside the back gate to our base. Then I had to go somewhere and was seated on an airplane when he strode on. All the passengers (including myself) were ranting and raving about how he couldn't be on the plane but no one was doing anything. He stayed on the plane as we got ready to take off. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking so hard I felt as though I was having a seizure. Strange dream... But I feel like it kind of represents where my life is right now. I feel like I'm on a plane that everyone knows is coming down... But no matter how much I know that I don't get off the plane... Why don't I just get off the plane? So many of the things in my personal (meaning my own, not with my family) struggles are things that I could just walk away from, things that I could change. But I choose to sit here and wallow. Sometimes when you're down in the bottom of a deep, dark pit it's hard to fight to find a way out. Sometimes I just want to lay down. Sometimes I just don't want to fight...
Last night we went to Vespers at church. I was one of the first to walk out of the church and into the entry way. There was a woman standing there who I've seen many times before. She has a grown son with Autism. I know this but I've never actually spoken to her. So we began talking, I asked her how her thanksgiving was, she then talked about her son and said that he has Autism. I told her my son does too. She then went on to ask questions like "Does he talk?" Jack was non-verbal when he was diagnosed at age 2 but we've come incredibly far and now he has quite an extensive vocabulary... The progress we've made is really remarkable. Jack does have Autism, he really does. But people seem to doubt me, as if I'm lying about it. Sometimes it feels like Jack isn't "autistic enough" to actually be autistic. Autism is a disorder that has a wide range of symptoms. Some people are severely Autistic and others very mildly. When Jack was diagnosed he was right at about a 1/3 of the way across the scale. Right in the middle of mild-moderate. I don't know where he would fall anymore... He has come a long way. Many of the things we struggle with are things that people wouldn't know or see if they weren't trained. And so consequently sometimes it feels like people don't believe me. He just looks like an unruly child, and I a bad parent. Sometimes my mind wanders in strange ways, maybe Jack ISN'T Autistic, maybe I AM just a bad mother... I know deep down this isn't true. I've put my blood, sweat, and tears into getting Jack where he is today. But sometimes I can't help but just feel awful about everything...
All in all the conversation was incredibly awkward with the woman from church. Which is exactly why I don't do support groups or any thing else like that. I don't want to sit and compare my child with others. I don't want other people judging me or my child. I guess the plan is just to continue to plug away at this beast we call Autism and hope that someday we won't have to... Someday things will be different...

The Grace of God

Yesterday was "the big day." Our meeting with Jack's school. We've had so many problems recently and I've watched my son slowly slip back into what he once was... Just a shell of a beautiful boy whom I love so deeply. The hardest part of Autism is the regressions- don't get me wrong, there are many other difficult things we encounter, some even on a daily basis, but it's so hard to watch him slide backwards. To lose skills, words, behaviors that he once had. To watch all of our hard work slowly slip out from between your fingers. Now I do not believe that I am entirely without fault in this, but I truly feel that the brunt of this regression is on his school. The things they are doing and aren't doing and unraveling our lives. It's so frustrating to watch these people who are trained to deal with these things choosing to deal with them incorrectly or even not at all. No matter how hard we fight, no matter what we do, we cannot undo the damage if it is still occurring...
I had been so incredibly nervous for this meeting. Jack's teacher really seems to hate me, I have no idea why, I've never been anything but polite and courteous to her. I know that it must be horrible having parents constantly bombarding you for answers, details, any bits of anything we can take away from his day there but these are absolutely necessary to us rectifying the regression that is taking place. I am his mother, I NEED to know what is going on! She says unkind things, pushes my buttons, offends me, and doesn't want to do the things I'm asking of her. It's so hard to see someone seemingly "not care" about my child's well-being. But what really gets me is what appears to be her utter disdain for my desire to fix things. I know what my child is capable of. I know what he needs. Why can't we just work together to fix this?
I kept Jack home from school yesterday so we could just have a calm day around the house together. The boys were watching some cartoons and I was folding laundry when Jack looked up at me and said that he wanted to listen to "rock and roll." We only listen to Christian music in our home (except a couple secular bands that I occasionally listen to) so I turned on last.fm on the Xbox and changed it to a Casting Crowns station. The second song that came on was "Revelation" by Third Day, one of my favorite songs ever. Jack came over to me, stretched his arms out, and said "up please." When I picked him up he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder and we danced around our living room for what felt like an eternity. There is no doubt in my mind that that moment, that dance, that song was a gift from God.  A sign. Showing me that I CAN do this. We can do this. And by the grace of God we will. He will strengthen us and carry us when we can't seem to do it on our own. As the tears streamed down my face I felt peace like I haven't felt in forever... And that was exactly what I needed to get me through yesterday's meeting. What an incredible blessing! 
We will get through this... We can do this... With God all things are possible! 

East to West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness 
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This song from Casting Crowns is one of my all time favorites, it's actually one of the first Christian songs I fell in love with after I rediscovered Christian music. It's amazing how far I've come from where I was then but the song still hits me so hard... So much truth... 

Lord please help me... I need you more now than ever... I really am drowning in this storm... 

Trust More

"God doesn’t promise us understanding. He promises us peace beyond understanding. 
Trust more, question less."




I don't know where that quote came from originally but I just logged into facebook to see that Britt Merrick (an amazing author and pastor) had posted that as his status update. I needed this. 


I'm incredibly thankful for all that God has provided me in the last week. Although I'm not sure I'm ready to really delve into the details of it all I can say with the utmost confidence that God truly does have his hand on me. And I can feel it. I will be ok. 

What's the point?

Life is chaos here right now... lots going on and my parents are arriving for 10 days on Tuesday. But quite frankly I don't really feel like talking about any of those things because it just forces me to think of all the things I should probably be doing rather than laying in bed blogging.


I've spent a lot of time thinking about photography this weekend. I took a great class on PhotoShop from the guy I'm taking the photography classes from. Honestly, I knew a lot of the information covered already but it was nice to really refine and fully understand what each tool does and what it's truly capable of. I sincerely wish I could have a couple days to just sit at my desk and retouch and edit photos. After all I have nearly 20,000 images on my computer. But alas we have an insanely busy couple of weeks coming up and I can't. Maybe someday.


I realized several things over the weekend. For one, if I truly want photography to become my hobby, I need to embracee it. There is so much more I could be doing than occasionally taking photos, putting them on the computer, and then (sometimes) uploading them to facebook. What's the point? Photography is preserving a moment and capturing the feeling/mood/essence of a period of time. I haven't gotten photos printed (for myself, I frequently enough get photos printed to send to others) in... ummm... probably 6 months? Sad really. Especially because I created a scrapbook for Jacob for Valentines day last year and absolutely fell in love with scrapbooking. So why would a photographer who loves scrapbooking not embrace it?


I get so caught up in Jack's therapy, trying to get Liam enough attention so that he doesn't feel unloved and ignored (which is something many families with an autistic child struggle with), and trying to help Jacob with his military stuff and also managing his tattoo business that I forget to do anything for myself. I feel so guilty when I even think about doing something for me much less doing something that costs money (I actually had an incredibly difficult time Friday morning buying myself 3 t-shirts that I found on clearance on Target for $2.38 a piece, that's insane right?!). I'm coming to a point in life that I need to do something for myself. I need to spend time without one kid on my hip and the other attached to my leg. I need embrace my hobby. I need to do something before I once and for all lose my identity.


So I'm going to start spending time for me. I'm going to start getting my photos actually edited (which chances are won't be much. I truly feel it's cheating to take a photo and turn around and alter the heck out of it on the computer.), get good quality images printed (now that I know a fantastic photo lab that happens to be owned by Jerry, my photography teacher), and scrapbook the heck out of them. Chances are someday we won't be living in exciting places and doing fun things all the time with the kids. Eventually Jacob will get out of the military and we will move to some small town in the Midwest and live a "boring" (I don't really think it's boring... I actually can't wait!) life like most of America and I want my kids to have something to remember this all by. They're so young now chances are they won't remember any of this- I certainly don't remember anything from before I was at least 7 and even then those memories are pretty patchy and I think many of them are just things I remember from photographs. We went to the aquarium last weekend and the boys LOVED it. I'm totally going to take the photos I took and make them a book out of them. How neat would it be for them to have books that they are the stars of?!


But unfortunately it's going to be a few weeks before I can get a chance to do this stuff. But I will gosh darn it when things settle down. And come this Thursday when I leave for class (which is the start of the second photography class which I am SUPER excited about) I'm not going to feel guilty. I deserve one night a week. And quite frankly my kids deserve some time with  just their dad! One step at a time...


On a lighter note we had a pretty funny but horribly embarrassing moment happen today at church. We took the boys to the Orthodox church for the first time in a long time. Something we have been saying we were going to do for quite awhile but chicken out each week. Jack did SO well. He whispered most of the time and when he got loud he listened when we told him to quiet down. Liam did pretty well too. Jacob had both boys in the church (I was standing out in the entry way where we had all been moments before) and the boys were wandering around when Liam suddenly made an abrupt turn and ran into the Sanctuary behind the Iconastas which is somewhere ONLY the Priests and Deacons are allowed to go. Jacob quickly ran over to the side and was whispering as forcefully as he could for Liam to come back when Liam ran out through front doors (which represent the gates of Heaven). Now those doors are only open at certain times and even the Priest is only allowed to exit through them at certain points where they are in their whole Priestly garb. Thankfully it was communion time and no one saw him! I about had a heart attack when I heard what happened. Oh Liam! Other than that church went really well- much, much better than I anticipated. Jack even did his attempt at the sign of the cross and kissed the Icons like he's supposed to!! I am so relieved and excited to get to start attending it every Sunday.


Well I've managed to stay up well past bedtime for about the fourth day in a row now. I have so much cleaning to do in the next 36 hours. If only I could dream about cleaning and my house would magically clean itself!


I'm going to end tonight with the one image I managed to edit last night after the boys went to bed. It's one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. This is most definitely going to be one of the first images I get printed :)



Defeated

"It's a little like living on an island all day with these weird rules that don't apply to other people. You know, thinking all the time, 'Is this going to set him off? What's that noise? Should I drive home a different way to avoid the barking dog?' Always that pressure, always so much... And it feels like you can't breathe sometimes..."


That quote is from last night's episode of Parenthood. The only show I've ever seen that pretty accurately represents Autism spectrum disorders. I quoted it from a woman at a support group on the show speaking about life with her son with Asperger's. It hit me. Hard. Sometimes I float through life pretending that maybe Jack doesn't have autism... maybe he's just a little different. Doctors misdiagnose things... But sometimes it really hits me that my son has Autism. Like tonight.


Every Wednesday night we attend a bible study at a Baptist church we've been attending for awhile. The boys go to a 2 & 3 year old bible group and we get to head upstairs, childless, to enjoy some fellowship and the word of God. I looked forward to it all day. Today was rough on so many fronts. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend some time in the company of adults. We dropped the boys off, they both eagerly ran in and hunkered down with some toys. No goodbyes, nothing. Just two excited, "normal" little boys, happy as could be. We got upstairs, visited for a few minutes, and the session began. We sang the opening hymn and prayed our opening prayer, sat down, and BAM. There was Jack with one of the teachers. He wouldn't stop screaming, refused to listen to anything they said, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the second I scooped him up he was perfectly fine. We played games on my phone for a bit. He asked to go to the bathroom so we got up and went. Once in the restroom he refused to go (he never seems to have to go when we get in any bathroom except our downstairs bathroom at our house). I went to the bathroom and without thinking flushed the toilet. He dropped to his knees covering his ears and began to cry. Ahh yes, public restrooms = loud flushing. Quick trip to meltdown ville. Thankfully I picked him up and he was easily redirected with playing with the water as I washed my hands and we headed back into the bible study. He played games on my phone for the rest of the time until we were finished. Needless to say, I learned more about the scooby doo puzzle on my phone tonight than God. *Sigh* Just as I needed it the most...

Getting back on the horse...

Back in May & June my family and I went super healthy. We're talking no gluten (wheat, oats, barley, or rye), no casein (milk products), no preservatives, no artificial flavorings, no food coloring. It was insanely difficult but we all got super healthy. We ate 90% fruits and veggies. It was wonderful. Jacob and I both lost a ton of weight and have honestly never felt better. The reason why we did it was because children with Autism sometimes improve on a GF/CF (gluten/casein free) diet. Everyone was incredibly skeptical that it would make a difference. Our behavioral consultant at the time said she had seen at least 50 families try it and only saw improvement in 3 at best. Tough news to hear when you're about to embark on a difficult and expensive journey but we figured it was worth a shot. And it worked. After about a month on the diet she looked at me and said "I can hardly believe it, but I think it's working." The tantrums subsided and his attention span improved drastically. But somehow we still fell off the bandwagon. It sounds terrible. How could we quit doing something that was improving everyone's lives so drastically? But it was incredibly expensive and at the time we were really struggling with our finances. And it was so much work. I was having to drive across the island to get the things I needed which meant if I was missing 1 ingredient to a meal we were out of luck. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am NOT an organized person at all. So it was tough. And I failed. After a couple months of doing so well it all fell apart. Quite frankly I don't even know what specifically happened. It was a slow fade... "Oh we'll get McDonald's just this once... what will it hurt?" turned into "Oh we can eat Hamburger Helper once in awhile" and soon became just eating trash all over again.


But we're going to try it again. We're not going to go as crazy as last time. We're going to do no preservatives, artificial anything, and as much organic as we possibly can. I'm really excited to get healthy again. I feel so sluggish and tired these days it's insane. Plus I've probably packed on another 15 pounds yet again. Now that my foot will (hopefully) soon be all better it's about time to try to get back on track. Eating right and exercising! So come Thursday when we get paid again I will be off to do a great big shopping excursion, stocking up on all the healthy alternatives to the crap we've been buying the last few months. Which means I've only got a few days to dig out and dust off all my old recipes and start making lists. I'm nervous but very excited!!


On another note, Jacob and I have decided to finally take the step to try to become catechumens in the Orthodox Church. We've been looking into Orthodoxy for over two years now and have yet to take the plunge. But I feel ready. We've finally found a church we feel like we can call home and fit in at. Our only real problem at this point is our boys. Two and three year olds don't hold up well in quiet church settings- at least not ours. But we're working on making them coloring books made of Icons (Icons are images of Christ and other important people in the church that are a super big part of Orthodoxy) and coming up with other appropriate activities for them to do in a church setting. So that's another big thing on our to-do list this week. We're hoping to try again this Sunday. It's been several months since we last tried bringing them to Liturgy so maybe this will be the time we have success!! As for Jacob and I, we have been attending catechumen classes at the church for a few weeks now although we aren't yet catechumens. We're hoping to speak with Father Paul tomorrow evening after class to see what we need to do to cement ourselves on the path to become catechumens. I'm very excited to finally be moving in the right direction.


Well I'm going to end with a video of a song I heard while I was typing this up tonight. This song really spoke to my heart. Definitely going to be picking up her CD on iTunes!!

Here we go....

I started a photography blog awhile back and have done basically nothing with it. The concept of starting a real  blog (one where I actually write rather than just post photos) has been suggested to me by a few people and I automatically replied "NO WAY!" But with all the changes taking place in my life I've come to the conclusion that a little writing therapy could be a good thing. So here we go. I'm taking the leap...