Secondary Infertility

DefinitionSecondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

Do I have secondary infertility?
Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages. 　
Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

Why is this happening?When a first child is conceived with ease, you may feel completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child. Take charge and talk to your primary care or ob/gyn physician. Secondary infertility is very common, but not often talked about. 

The emotional side of secondary infertilityPhysicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

* above definitions taken from here. 

** emphasis in red is added by me. 

Secondary Infertility. So there's a name to this problem we seem to have. I'm not sure it makes it any easier, but it does make it feel a little less lonely to know that this isn't just us. It still sucks. 

I often get the response from people when I dare to clue them in on our issue "You already have two children- be thankful you have them!" Totally understand that. Trust me, I do. I love both of my children dearly- they are my little beams of sunshine- but that doesn't mean I don't long for another child. I am thankful- so very thankful- that we have been blessed with them. But that again doesn't mean I don't long for another child. Quite frankly I find the comments often time ignorant and hurtful. It sucks that unless you have no children people refuse to sympathize with issues of infertility. 

I'm very blessed to have a few close friends with whom I can confide and cry to. But I sincerely wish that people were more understanding- surely we're not the only ones going through this feeling this way. 

I have an appointment at the end of the month to try to get a referral to see someone. Infertility is described as a year of trying without getting pregnant. We're long past that now. I really just want some answers. I feel that having another child is God's decision so we won't proceed with any kind of fertility treatments regardless what we discover. I just want to know what we're up against. 

Please pray for us. I've really been struggling with this the last few weeks. It's been a combination of stress and my impending due-date for Zoe. Please pray that we may find some peace- regardless the outcome.