Stagnent

Ever feel like you're just not doing anything? Like you're not even moving? That is how I feel.
I do a lot of "stuff." Mostly pointless, everyday things. Nothing of any real value. And that sucks. I go through these phases in life where I feel like I'm growing as a person and doing things. Right now I'm very much stuck going through the motions. 
I am improving things in my life. That is true. But it still doesn't feel like enough. I guess I've been holding my breath, waiting for a break through moment where things would change. But we're still not there yet. Patience has definitely never been my strong suit. 
And so I think what I need to do is just sit and be silent for awhile. Stop pushing forward and trying to break through and just let go... and let God...

I did it!

I just moments ago finished reading the book of Matthew. I am quite proud of myself. 1 week and 1 chapter down! I'm excited to keep going :) I truly feel God at work in my life and I'm so thankful to be able to draw close to Him through His word. It's nice to sit down mid-day and just have some time with God both in reading the Bible and in prayer!


And I got some exciting new yesterday, we are going to become Catechumen in the Orthodox Church! Hopefully this weekend! Basically that means we're officially excepted into the Church and on our way to being Baptized into the Orthodox faith. I was baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church but this is different. Becoming Orthodox (to me) is really a reorganization of my relationship and recommitment to Christ. I'm excited to actively pursue my relationship with Christ in a whole new way!! 


In other news, we've got a pretty nasty cold going around our house. Jack was first last week and I was able to hold it off pretty well with lots of vitamins and some Benadryl to help him sleep. Liam came next with rivers of snot everywhere and quite the attitude to match. He's still recovering (with the aid of Vitamins and Benadryl of course) and I think we're nearing the end. But unfortunately Jacob's sick now. He's been coming down with it for a couple days now and is quite miserable. So inevitably I will get it too. I'm trying hard to stay healthy- lots of vitamins and sleep. But I'm not going to hold my breath, I always get sick last and always stay sick the longest. Here's hoping we can at least hold off until Tuesday. I have too much to do this weekend! 


Things are pretty up and down with Jack these days. We're going in for his assessment Monday and it will be interesting to see what they have to say. I'm excited to get a new plan in place and start moving forward again! Everything with the school is still relatively turbulent- still not eating, they're still not doing virtually any sensory with him during the day, and we're STILL waiting to have our next meeting. I just don't understand why no one else feels a sense of urgency in this. For Jack to start improving and moving forward we all have to be onboard. And it will be good for everyone involved! But unfortunately they're all SOOO BUSY and the meeting just isn't getting scheduled. We'll see if there's any news in Jack's notebook when he comes home today!


Although things in my life have been going relatively well since the terrible day I had on Tuesday I must say I have a very heavy heart today. One year ago today a beautiful baby girl named Hazel went home to Jesus. My heart just breaks for her parents Ryan and Angie. But I know that one day they will be reunited, just as I will be with Zoe, and live for all of eternity in Paradise... 

Yesterday...

Well yesterday was the day, the day I fell off the wagon. It was basically complete chaos all day long and I definitely wallowed in my self-inflicted pity party.


We had Jack's intake meeting with the new tutoring company and it went really well- just as I suspected. I can't wait to get his program up and running! Assessments Monday and then we're just waiting on the insurance company :)


But that was the only high point of my day. Being that we had our meeting yesterday my entire schedule was thrown off. It's funny how I focus so much on keeping things routine and the same every day for Jack's sake- in all truth it's probably more for me! I get so crabby when things aren't the way they are everyday. I get stressed out and arguably neurotic. Not good. And I'm the only one who really seems to care that the schedule's different. Most certainly one of my own issues I need to work on. Life isn't perfect, it will never be predictable, stability is a gift- but certainly not a given. 


After the meeting I proceeded to inhale some incredibly unhealthy food (pretty much been eating deep fried food since we received a deep fryer for Christmas!) and tried to relax and regroup. Of course that didn't happen, Liam's starting to get a cold and was REFUSING to nap. We argued back and forth for nearly and hour and a half before I finally just gave up on nap time. In all that time I neglected to do my bible reading for the day- hence falling off the wagon. Which probably played a huge part in my overall mood. 


Once Jack got home the chaos continued. Liam dumped out my full giant can of redbull (a.k.a. my lifeline) all over the table, the floor, the rug, and their new tent. He attempted to help me clean it but of course that didn't work out so well and pretty much just spread the redbull even more. I proceeded to get out our little carpet cleaner and what do you know? It no longer works. So I scrubbed. And scrubbed. UGH! Shortly after that I layed down on the couch and Jack proceeded to pee his pants- and all over the other rug! I was already way beyond my breaking point and just cried as I scrubbed the floor for a second time in a half hour. Both kids were crabby. I was crabby. 


We were scheduled to go over to our Priest's house for dinner last night. Which was the absolute LAST thing I felt like doing. I grumbled and put on my best angry face the entire drive over. I am however polite enough to push my crabbiness down while in the company of others but by the time we left (nearly SIX HOURS LATER) I was well beyond my limit. It was 11 pm, way past my bedtime, and I was DONE. We drove home in silence after I snapped at Jacob about how he seriously needs to work on his ability to shut the heck up. My head was pounding. I was exhausted. So when I got home I curled up in bed and went to sleep- still not completing my bible reading for the day.


It was inevitable- eventually I'd fall off the bandwagon! I wish yesterday didn't suck so darn bad! Needless to say, I will be doubling up this afternoon and doing yesterday and today's readings at lunch... Hopefully... 

Another week...

Here we go again! Today started off pretty rough. But I feel fairly in good spirits now... Let's hope it lasts! My meeting with the school was cancelled today because Jack's teacher is out (again!) today so hopefully we'll reschedule for next week. This may work to my favor being that our new tutoring company is starting up this week so maybe they'll be able to tag along and give me some pointers? We'll see! I must admit I'm a little glad it was cancelled, as much as I want to get these meetings over and get a plan in place I'm excited to spend the afternoon bumming around the house :) It's dreary and overcast here today and it's incredibly hard for me to find motivation on days like these!


So far the reading of the New Testament is going really well! It hasn't even been quite a week yet but I haven't missed a day! I can fairly confidently say that reading the Bible has become routine at this point. I decided to do my reading around noon each day which works out perfectly for two reasons. One, it kind of breathes fresh air into my day, I feel refreshed and accomplished when I finish, even though it's only a few chapters each day I'm sticking to it! Two, it offers me an absolutely legitimate "excuse" to take a break in the middle of the day. Jacob's home for lunch and so I leave him and Liam to themselves to have lunch together and watch some cartoons. It works out perfectly!


I've read the book of Matthew a few times before, I can honestly say it's one of the very few books of the Bible I've read in it's entirety more than once. It's interesting to see all the verses I underlined on previous reads, and to reflect on what they mean to me now. It's kind of a bonus to re-reading the one chapter I've already covered before!


So in today's reading there were several verses that stood out to me (which is pretty common, my Bible is going to be just straight underlined before long :)) but the one that really hit me was Matthew 16:24-25:


Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it.


If there is one thing I cannot deny it's my lack of denying myself. I'm entirely selfish and self-indulgent. But I guess I've always kind of chocked it up to "the human condition." In the end, that's just a cop-out. I'm not 100% perfectly sure how to do this. But I know that I need to... That I want to... 


And so with that I'm going to make baby-steps too. My goal for this week is to attend church regularly. I know, I know, it's terrible that I have to make a goal of this. It's become kind of a Sunday tradition for me to get out of going and Jacob taking the boys by himself. Which, not gonna lie, is awesome! It allows me a few hours at home, by myself, to do whatever I want. But where's the trade off? Is that few hours of alone time worth my salvation? Now don't get me wrong, I do not believe that going to church necessarily reflects whether or not you're going to Heaven. But for me, in order to become the person I need to be, to become Christ-like, I must submerge myself in His word. And the easiest and best way to do that is attending Church. For awhile we had been attending a class at the Orthodox Church on Tuesdays, a class at the Baptist Church Wednesdays, Saturday nights and Sunday mornings were at the Orthodox Church, and Sunday evenings were at the Baptist Church. I would be lying if I were to deny the fact that I was feeling pretty darn good spiritually then. 


Although many of the beliefs I hold aren't quite in line with the Baptist Church their classes and fellowship are AMAZING. And it spurred many a good conversation between the hubby and I about our faith. So we're going to go back. I actually received a phone call from the Associate Pastor over there this morning "checking in" with us to invite us back. That's one thing that I really appreciate about them, although it's literally been TWO months since we've been there our boys receive post cards from the Sunday school class every couple weeks and we've received several letters from the Pastors. It's nice to feel like you're missed! And I miss them too!


So that's my goal this week, attend Church! It feels a little ridiculous to even write that but it's true, and I absolutely need that to be a priority in my life!!