Yesterday was "the big day." Our meeting with Jack's school. We've had so many problems recently and I've watched my son slowly slip back into what he once was... Just a shell of a beautiful boy whom I love so deeply. The hardest part of Autism is the regressions- don't get me wrong, there are many other difficult things we encounter, some even on a daily basis, but it's so hard to watch him slide backwards. To lose skills, words, behaviors that he once had. To watch all of our hard work slowly slip out from between your fingers. Now I do not believe that I am entirely without fault in this, but I truly feel that the brunt of this regression is on his school. The things they are doing and aren't doing and unraveling our lives. It's so frustrating to watch these people who are trained to deal with these things choosing to deal with them incorrectly or even not at all. No matter how hard we fight, no matter what we do, we cannot undo the damage if it is still occurring...
I had been so incredibly nervous for this meeting. Jack's teacher really seems to hate me, I have no idea why, I've never been anything but polite and courteous to her. I know that it must be horrible having parents constantly bombarding you for answers, details, any bits of anything we can take away from his day there but these are absolutely necessary to us rectifying the regression that is taking place. I am his mother, I NEED to know what is going on! She says unkind things, pushes my buttons, offends me, and doesn't want to do the things I'm asking of her. It's so hard to see someone seemingly "not care" about my child's well-being. But what really gets me is what appears to be her utter disdain for my desire to fix things. I know what my child is capable of. I know what he needs. Why can't we just work together to fix this?
I kept Jack home from school yesterday so we could just have a calm day around the house together. The boys were watching some cartoons and I was folding laundry when Jack looked up at me and said that he wanted to listen to "rock and roll." We only listen to Christian music in our home (except a couple secular bands that I occasionally listen to) so I turned on last.fm on the Xbox and changed it to a Casting Crowns station. The second song that came on was "Revelation" by Third Day, one of my favorite songs ever. Jack came over to me, stretched his arms out, and said "up please." When I picked him up he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder and we danced around our living room for what felt like an eternity. There is no doubt in my mind that that moment, that dance, that song was a gift from God. A sign. Showing me that I CAN do this. We can do this. And by the grace of God we will. He will strengthen us and carry us when we can't seem to do it on our own. As the tears streamed down my face I felt peace like I haven't felt in forever... And that was exactly what I needed to get me through yesterday's meeting. What an incredible blessing!
We will get through this... We can do this... With God all things are possible!
