Maybe I missed something...

(this is actually a post I did for my autism blog, but it seemed like it could/should be posted over here too)

While Jack was being diagnosed with Autism we were asked billions of questions about family history. No one in either my family or my husband's was ever diagnosed with Autism. But one of my brothers and all 4 of Jacob's brothers have ADHD. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and (although not diagnosed) obsessive compulsive behavior. Jacob too has had depression.  

So I really thought that Autism came from a combination of all the complications of Jack's pregnancy. It was awful. My blood pressure was high from the beginning, fluid levels were dropping constantly, and at our 20 week ultra-sound it was discovered that Jack's kidneys were dilated. Because of all this we were going and getting high definition ultra sounds done at another hospital once a month. The final month of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I had the steroid shots because no one thought he would make it to term. At 34 weeks we went for an ultrasound only to discover that my placenta was dead and Jack wasn't growing at all anymore. So I had an emergency c-section and Jack was born 6 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds.

I have no idea what caused Jack's Autism. He never regressed, he just stopped keeping up with milestones, which leads me to believe it didn't have anything to do with vaccines (although I do think there is some validity to those arguments, I just don't agree that the vaccines 100% cause Autism). 

Lately I've been doing some "soul searching." Lots of things in my life are not as I would like them to be. And I've found myself taking a good long stare in the mirror...

Sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe I have Aspergers. 

Tonight I sat down and started researching the "signs" in adults with Aspergers. I actually found somewhere online that you can take a test (obviously not meant to be a diagnosis but merely a tool to use on your own). If you scored over 32 you could very well have high functioning Autism or Aspergers. I scored 36.

As I took the test I suddenly started pouring over the details of my childhood. I was OBSESSED with reading. I read all day, all night, all the time. Kids used to make fun of me for it. I had no desire to have friends. I just wanted to read and be in my own world. I was also obsessed with numbers. I have very vivid memories of laying in bed making up math equations based on whatever numbers were in the time (i.e. 2:24 would work out into all sorts of things like 2+2=4 but often more complicated than that). It was absolutely a self-soothing thing. I would put myself to sleep doing that and rubbing my feet together (which I also did whenever I got nervous) and quite frankly I still do. I was really good at math too. When I was in 4th grade we would do these multiplication tables and time ourselves as a class. I was so good that I actually had several "face-offs" with my teacher to see who could do them fastest. Sometimes she won, sometimes I did. I was reading Shakespeare for fun by sixth grade. And I had a photographic memory. I could recall scenes like photos in my brain. I also had a pretty narrow field of interest, I loved animals. I read every book in several series about horses. I was incredibly smart. But really awkward.

As I grew older I discovered that by becoming like the people I surrounded myself with I would be accepted. I began to mold myself into whatever group of friends I had at the time. Which often was a terrible thing (I was always drawn to the trouble makers, the kids on drugs, etc. Maybe because they were the easiest to fit in with?). But that's actually how I began making friends. And still to this day I find myself absolutely manipulated by whatever the people I hang out with are like. Right after we moved out here I had made a friend who was just a mess and a total drunk, sure enough a couple of months later I was a borderline alcoholic and a complete mess myself. Thankfully I was smart enough to stop that friendship and although I'm still a mess most days, I no longer drink...

Which leads me to where I am now. I don't have any friends. Quite frankly I prefer it. Friends are a hassle to me. The few people I was friends with since moving to Hawaii would come over and we would just sit in the living room of my house watching my kids. I really never had anything to say, and often just wanted them to leave. I find having "friends" online so much easier. They can't hassle you, they're there when you want them to be there. It's so much easier for me to handle answering an email than to have a conversation with someone. I like to piece together my thoughts methodically. If I don't, I often times sound like either an idiot or I'm rude.

All these things combined make me really think maybe I do have Aspergers...

Hmmm...

But it really doesn't matter. I am who I am. And no diagnosis could change that. It's just interesting...