Okay?

I feel a bit bi-polar these days. I feel as though I've been strapped into a roller-coaster I had no desire to ride. Up and down. Down and up. Leaves me feeling exhausted.

There was a time a couple weeks ago where I told my Priest I was feeling really good. For the first time in a long time I felt "content." If we are blessed with more children, that's great. If not, I'm okay with that too.

And then came the reality check. One of the women at my church is pregnant. They have three beautiful children and are expecting their fourth. I'm happy for them. But I'm not looking forward to watching her tummy grow... Seeing everyone in the church anxiously awaiting the new arrival... Oh how I wish that were us...

And our baby sitter's mom is pregnant. Yup. Jacob thought it was pretty funny and was laughing and joking as he told me which completely devastated me. He didn't mean to upset me, I know he didn't. But for real. I'm 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD! How can I not get pregnant when women much older than myself are getting pregnant?!?! Isn't it supposed to be easy when you're young??

Add on top of that the fact that my period is really, really, really late. I've peed on more pregnancy sticks in the last month than I have in a long, long time. It's almost like a cruel joke to be honest. I finally went to the clinic the day before yesterday to get an official pregnancy test and it still came back negative. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told that this is okay. It's apparently okay to not get your period for up to six months. So she said to not worry about it. However, anyone who has taken a health class knows that if you're not getting your period, you're not ovulating... And if you're not ovulating, you're not going to get pregnant.

I feel as though the door is slamming in front of me. It's entirely possible that my cycle will readjust and there won't be an issue... Even if that is the case, we all know that doesn't guarantee I'll get pregnant then either. But what if it doesn't. What if this is my body giving me a big fat "no way!" I spent most of yesterday morning sobbing on the couch. I just don't even know what to say or do anymore.

So it turns out I'm not okay with this. It's much easier to be okay with something when you're not being confronted with it. But now being bombarded with babies, pregnancies, and my own body's craziness it's glaringly obvious I'm not okay. For real, will this ever get easier? Will I ever be okay?