Defeated

"It's a little like living on an island all day with these weird rules that don't apply to other people. You know, thinking all the time, 'Is this going to set him off? What's that noise? Should I drive home a different way to avoid the barking dog?' Always that pressure, always so much... And it feels like you can't breathe sometimes..."


That quote is from last night's episode of Parenthood. The only show I've ever seen that pretty accurately represents Autism spectrum disorders. I quoted it from a woman at a support group on the show speaking about life with her son with Asperger's. It hit me. Hard. Sometimes I float through life pretending that maybe Jack doesn't have autism... maybe he's just a little different. Doctors misdiagnose things... But sometimes it really hits me that my son has Autism. Like tonight.


Every Wednesday night we attend a bible study at a Baptist church we've been attending for awhile. The boys go to a 2 & 3 year old bible group and we get to head upstairs, childless, to enjoy some fellowship and the word of God. I looked forward to it all day. Today was rough on so many fronts. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend some time in the company of adults. We dropped the boys off, they both eagerly ran in and hunkered down with some toys. No goodbyes, nothing. Just two excited, "normal" little boys, happy as could be. We got upstairs, visited for a few minutes, and the session began. We sang the opening hymn and prayed our opening prayer, sat down, and BAM. There was Jack with one of the teachers. He wouldn't stop screaming, refused to listen to anything they said, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the second I scooped him up he was perfectly fine. We played games on my phone for a bit. He asked to go to the bathroom so we got up and went. Once in the restroom he refused to go (he never seems to have to go when we get in any bathroom except our downstairs bathroom at our house). I went to the bathroom and without thinking flushed the toilet. He dropped to his knees covering his ears and began to cry. Ahh yes, public restrooms = loud flushing. Quick trip to meltdown ville. Thankfully I picked him up and he was easily redirected with playing with the water as I washed my hands and we headed back into the bible study. He played games on my phone for the rest of the time until we were finished. Needless to say, I learned more about the scooby doo puzzle on my phone tonight than God. *Sigh* Just as I needed it the most...

Getting back on the horse...

Back in May & June my family and I went super healthy. We're talking no gluten (wheat, oats, barley, or rye), no casein (milk products), no preservatives, no artificial flavorings, no food coloring. It was insanely difficult but we all got super healthy. We ate 90% fruits and veggies. It was wonderful. Jacob and I both lost a ton of weight and have honestly never felt better. The reason why we did it was because children with Autism sometimes improve on a GF/CF (gluten/casein free) diet. Everyone was incredibly skeptical that it would make a difference. Our behavioral consultant at the time said she had seen at least 50 families try it and only saw improvement in 3 at best. Tough news to hear when you're about to embark on a difficult and expensive journey but we figured it was worth a shot. And it worked. After about a month on the diet she looked at me and said "I can hardly believe it, but I think it's working." The tantrums subsided and his attention span improved drastically. But somehow we still fell off the bandwagon. It sounds terrible. How could we quit doing something that was improving everyone's lives so drastically? But it was incredibly expensive and at the time we were really struggling with our finances. And it was so much work. I was having to drive across the island to get the things I needed which meant if I was missing 1 ingredient to a meal we were out of luck. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am NOT an organized person at all. So it was tough. And I failed. After a couple months of doing so well it all fell apart. Quite frankly I don't even know what specifically happened. It was a slow fade... "Oh we'll get McDonald's just this once... what will it hurt?" turned into "Oh we can eat Hamburger Helper once in awhile" and soon became just eating trash all over again.


But we're going to try it again. We're not going to go as crazy as last time. We're going to do no preservatives, artificial anything, and as much organic as we possibly can. I'm really excited to get healthy again. I feel so sluggish and tired these days it's insane. Plus I've probably packed on another 15 pounds yet again. Now that my foot will (hopefully) soon be all better it's about time to try to get back on track. Eating right and exercising! So come Thursday when we get paid again I will be off to do a great big shopping excursion, stocking up on all the healthy alternatives to the crap we've been buying the last few months. Which means I've only got a few days to dig out and dust off all my old recipes and start making lists. I'm nervous but very excited!!


On another note, Jacob and I have decided to finally take the step to try to become catechumens in the Orthodox Church. We've been looking into Orthodoxy for over two years now and have yet to take the plunge. But I feel ready. We've finally found a church we feel like we can call home and fit in at. Our only real problem at this point is our boys. Two and three year olds don't hold up well in quiet church settings- at least not ours. But we're working on making them coloring books made of Icons (Icons are images of Christ and other important people in the church that are a super big part of Orthodoxy) and coming up with other appropriate activities for them to do in a church setting. So that's another big thing on our to-do list this week. We're hoping to try again this Sunday. It's been several months since we last tried bringing them to Liturgy so maybe this will be the time we have success!! As for Jacob and I, we have been attending catechumen classes at the church for a few weeks now although we aren't yet catechumens. We're hoping to speak with Father Paul tomorrow evening after class to see what we need to do to cement ourselves on the path to become catechumens. I'm very excited to finally be moving in the right direction.


Well I'm going to end with a video of a song I heard while I was typing this up tonight. This song really spoke to my heart. Definitely going to be picking up her CD on iTunes!!