5 Years Ago...

5 years ago yesterday (life's crazy, I totally meant to do this yesterday but couldn't) I sent Jacob the email that would change both of our lives forever. Technically it wasn't even an email, it was a myspace message.

It was just a typical spring day in MN and I found myself bored (as usual) before work sitting on the computer in the den of my parents house and decided to figure out what had become of Jacob from 3rd grade.

Jacob and I had gone to school together in 3rd grade. We were good friends and arguably each other's first "crush." But 4th grade brought me transferring back to Catholic school and by 6th grade his parents had divorced and he was off to Missouri with his mom.

A quick search on myspace showed a profile of someone with the same name but no photos, just drawings, which I was fairly confident meant it was him.

I sent him the following message:

ok this is totally random... and i'm sorry if i freak you out... lol
did you ever live in alexandria, mn??!? because i was friends with a kid that has the same name as you back in elementary school... and you have no pics on here so i have no idea if its you or not... i switched school at the end of 3rd grade and then you moved away shortly after that i think....
i know, totally random. i found an old yearbook the other day and i said i was going to search your name on here next time i was online... and i did... and you're what showed up...
well if you are who i think you are, then HEY!!! i dont know if you even remember me... but you were like one of my best friends back in the day... it'd be awesome to talk to you...
and if i'm just crazy and you have no idea what i'm talking about, SORRY!!! lol... 


That's the actual message- as you can see, I was always a dork. Anyways the chaos that would ensue because of that one simple message can only be described as "destined to be." After that we would exchange countless emails, video chats, and all night phone calls. He was stationed in Washington DC and I was still in MN. Memorial day weekend in 2006 I flew out to DC to see Jacob for the first time since the end of 3rd grade. That Tuesday before I left to fly home, a month and a day after the first email,  Jacob and I got married in a creepy lawyer's office underneath the court house in Virginia. 


The rest is pretty much history. Five years later we're happier and stronger than ever before. We have two beautiful little boys who brighten everyday and precious baby Zoe in Heaven looking down on us. 


All the things we've been through, all the struggles we've over come and the battles we still fight have got nothing on the fact that we're meant to be together. 


I'm so thankful that God brought the two of us together... 

{I can't believe how young we look!!}

Tiny Dragons

Jacob and I have talked about possibly starting to do children's books and educational toys and stuff like that. I know a decent amount about children's learning and he's a great artist. Chances are we won't do it but we've talked about it. If someday we do, we want to name it "Tiny Dragons" because we think it sounds cool. We're dorks.

So today while Liam is napping I felt restless. I wanted to do something but didn't really want to do anything. So I decided to play and make some "business cards" for our not real business.

HAHAHAHA. I am not an artist. But this was too funny to not share. It looks like my children drew those dragons... But they didn't. It was me :)

I think we'll leave the artwork to the hubby. 

Hopefully everyone at least gets a good laugh out of it! 

Okay?

I feel a bit bi-polar these days. I feel as though I've been strapped into a roller-coaster I had no desire to ride. Up and down. Down and up. Leaves me feeling exhausted.

There was a time a couple weeks ago where I told my Priest I was feeling really good. For the first time in a long time I felt "content." If we are blessed with more children, that's great. If not, I'm okay with that too.

And then came the reality check. One of the women at my church is pregnant. They have three beautiful children and are expecting their fourth. I'm happy for them. But I'm not looking forward to watching her tummy grow... Seeing everyone in the church anxiously awaiting the new arrival... Oh how I wish that were us...

And our baby sitter's mom is pregnant. Yup. Jacob thought it was pretty funny and was laughing and joking as he told me which completely devastated me. He didn't mean to upset me, I know he didn't. But for real. I'm 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD! How can I not get pregnant when women much older than myself are getting pregnant?!?! Isn't it supposed to be easy when you're young??

Add on top of that the fact that my period is really, really, really late. I've peed on more pregnancy sticks in the last month than I have in a long, long time. It's almost like a cruel joke to be honest. I finally went to the clinic the day before yesterday to get an official pregnancy test and it still came back negative. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told that this is okay. It's apparently okay to not get your period for up to six months. So she said to not worry about it. However, anyone who has taken a health class knows that if you're not getting your period, you're not ovulating... And if you're not ovulating, you're not going to get pregnant.

I feel as though the door is slamming in front of me. It's entirely possible that my cycle will readjust and there won't be an issue... Even if that is the case, we all know that doesn't guarantee I'll get pregnant then either. But what if it doesn't. What if this is my body giving me a big fat "no way!" I spent most of yesterday morning sobbing on the couch. I just don't even know what to say or do anymore.

So it turns out I'm not okay with this. It's much easier to be okay with something when you're not being confronted with it. But now being bombarded with babies, pregnancies, and my own body's craziness it's glaringly obvious I'm not okay. For real, will this ever get easier? Will I ever be okay?