Treading Water

I really feel as though I'm treading water these days. Completely exhausted and barely keeping my head above water. It's horrible.

The thing about grief is that it never goes away. It's like moisture in the air. There are days where the skies are clear and you can't see the moisture- but it's there. And there are days where the clouds fill up and become dark and it pours. And of course there are million days in between. If only I had weather forecast...

I feel the need to blog because it's been so long and I don't want this blog to just die off... But quite frankly I don't really feel like saying much more than I already have. So we'll leave it at that.

Photo Contest- Need help!

Ok so those of you on my Facebook probably despise my existence at this point. I'm going nuts trying to win this photo contest for a free photo shoot for the munchkins. The thing is that for one, we rarely have the extra money to pay to get professional photos done and for two, with Jack's autism it's really a gamble. We could fork out the 100s of dollars and not end up with any good photos. So this contest is a shot at a $275 photo credit for a wonderful photographer on the island and I'm desperate to win! If you haven't already voted I would really appreciate your help. And if it's not too much to ask, you could repost the contest on your blog or facebook. The votes are based on "likes" so it's one vote per person and consequently we need lots and lots of people to vote. Right now we have 40 some votes and there are 5 people ahead of us- some of whom have over 150 votes! Contest runs until Saturday so I'm not giving up yet :)

Here's the link:
Photo Contest- Contestant #5

Thank you!

5 Years Ago...

5 years ago yesterday (life's crazy, I totally meant to do this yesterday but couldn't) I sent Jacob the email that would change both of our lives forever. Technically it wasn't even an email, it was a myspace message.

It was just a typical spring day in MN and I found myself bored (as usual) before work sitting on the computer in the den of my parents house and decided to figure out what had become of Jacob from 3rd grade.

Jacob and I had gone to school together in 3rd grade. We were good friends and arguably each other's first "crush." But 4th grade brought me transferring back to Catholic school and by 6th grade his parents had divorced and he was off to Missouri with his mom.

A quick search on myspace showed a profile of someone with the same name but no photos, just drawings, which I was fairly confident meant it was him.

I sent him the following message:

ok this is totally random... and i'm sorry if i freak you out... lol
did you ever live in alexandria, mn??!? because i was friends with a kid that has the same name as you back in elementary school... and you have no pics on here so i have no idea if its you or not... i switched school at the end of 3rd grade and then you moved away shortly after that i think....
i know, totally random. i found an old yearbook the other day and i said i was going to search your name on here next time i was online... and i did... and you're what showed up...
well if you are who i think you are, then HEY!!! i dont know if you even remember me... but you were like one of my best friends back in the day... it'd be awesome to talk to you...
and if i'm just crazy and you have no idea what i'm talking about, SORRY!!! lol... 


That's the actual message- as you can see, I was always a dork. Anyways the chaos that would ensue because of that one simple message can only be described as "destined to be." After that we would exchange countless emails, video chats, and all night phone calls. He was stationed in Washington DC and I was still in MN. Memorial day weekend in 2006 I flew out to DC to see Jacob for the first time since the end of 3rd grade. That Tuesday before I left to fly home, a month and a day after the first email,  Jacob and I got married in a creepy lawyer's office underneath the court house in Virginia. 


The rest is pretty much history. Five years later we're happier and stronger than ever before. We have two beautiful little boys who brighten everyday and precious baby Zoe in Heaven looking down on us. 


All the things we've been through, all the struggles we've over come and the battles we still fight have got nothing on the fact that we're meant to be together. 


I'm so thankful that God brought the two of us together... 

{I can't believe how young we look!!}

Tiny Dragons

Jacob and I have talked about possibly starting to do children's books and educational toys and stuff like that. I know a decent amount about children's learning and he's a great artist. Chances are we won't do it but we've talked about it. If someday we do, we want to name it "Tiny Dragons" because we think it sounds cool. We're dorks.

So today while Liam is napping I felt restless. I wanted to do something but didn't really want to do anything. So I decided to play and make some "business cards" for our not real business.

HAHAHAHA. I am not an artist. But this was too funny to not share. It looks like my children drew those dragons... But they didn't. It was me :)

I think we'll leave the artwork to the hubby. 

Hopefully everyone at least gets a good laugh out of it! 

Okay?

I feel a bit bi-polar these days. I feel as though I've been strapped into a roller-coaster I had no desire to ride. Up and down. Down and up. Leaves me feeling exhausted.

There was a time a couple weeks ago where I told my Priest I was feeling really good. For the first time in a long time I felt "content." If we are blessed with more children, that's great. If not, I'm okay with that too.

And then came the reality check. One of the women at my church is pregnant. They have three beautiful children and are expecting their fourth. I'm happy for them. But I'm not looking forward to watching her tummy grow... Seeing everyone in the church anxiously awaiting the new arrival... Oh how I wish that were us...

And our baby sitter's mom is pregnant. Yup. Jacob thought it was pretty funny and was laughing and joking as he told me which completely devastated me. He didn't mean to upset me, I know he didn't. But for real. I'm 25 FREAKING YEARS OLD! How can I not get pregnant when women much older than myself are getting pregnant?!?! Isn't it supposed to be easy when you're young??

Add on top of that the fact that my period is really, really, really late. I've peed on more pregnancy sticks in the last month than I have in a long, long time. It's almost like a cruel joke to be honest. I finally went to the clinic the day before yesterday to get an official pregnancy test and it still came back negative. I went to the doctor yesterday and was told that this is okay. It's apparently okay to not get your period for up to six months. So she said to not worry about it. However, anyone who has taken a health class knows that if you're not getting your period, you're not ovulating... And if you're not ovulating, you're not going to get pregnant.

I feel as though the door is slamming in front of me. It's entirely possible that my cycle will readjust and there won't be an issue... Even if that is the case, we all know that doesn't guarantee I'll get pregnant then either. But what if it doesn't. What if this is my body giving me a big fat "no way!" I spent most of yesterday morning sobbing on the couch. I just don't even know what to say or do anymore.

So it turns out I'm not okay with this. It's much easier to be okay with something when you're not being confronted with it. But now being bombarded with babies, pregnancies, and my own body's craziness it's glaringly obvious I'm not okay. For real, will this ever get easier? Will I ever be okay?

Glorious Day

Casting Crowns is one of my all time favorite bands... I honestly don't think there's a single song of theirs I don't love... But this is one of my favorites:

This has been our first time really experiencing Lent in the Orthodox church... It's been a struggle, between the extra church services and fasting we've had good days and bad. But I'm incredibly thankful we're on this path.

Last night we attended the Matins of the 12 Passion Gospels service. It was the first time I've ever been to it and I honestly had no idea what we were in for. It ended up being a three hour service full of prostrations, beautiful singing by our choir, 12 Passion Gospel readings, and a lot of emotion. It's hard not to get emotional when thinking about what Christ has done for us...

Much has happened in the last 40-some days. I've blogged less than I thought I would after giving up facebook but I think this has allowed me to really delve deep into my own spirituality and struggles. One of these days I'm going to blog about all that has gone on but for now I'm just going to leave it at that.

Hope everyone has a truly blessed Easter weekend.

IEP shock

Life has been crazy here. I'm starting to come to the realization that maybe this isn't 'crazy.' Rather, this is the new 'normal.'

Today we had Jack's IEP meeting. I tried to prepare. Wrote myself lots of notes and lists. Even took a class about IEP last week. But the class wasn't really all that helpful to be honest. Rather, it left me with the feeling that I have all too often and the same feeling I get from the Autism community.

One of the biggest reasons I dislike the Autism community is that it's all a big contest. My child is more/less Autistic than yours, I have more/less to complain about than so-and-so, it goes on and on. It's completely awful. It makes me sick. And is why I don't really want anything to do with the Autism community. It doesn't take long on message boards for people to start jumping on one another and trying to 'one-up' one another. I don't want to play that game. I always leave feeling like my child isn't "autistic enough." Like I have no reason to complain. But no one knows what it's like to be in our home. Sure my child can talk, and I'm thankful for that, but that doesn't mean that my child always can/does use that ability to convey emotions and problems. And it certainly doesn't mean that we don't have other problems... I kind of got that feeling again today while in the meeting...

Back to the IEP meeting. There are things that really, really, really annoy me about the department of education. But since it costs about the same amount of money it would take to buy a new car to send your child to private school here it is what it is. After a two hour meeting we were left with resinating, simple statement. "We would like to 'mainstream' Jack." Which is AMAZING! That is the goal in it all, to get Jack into an inclusion classroom. However, I just don't know that he's ready. Everyone there seemed to think he is. I do want Jack to be challenged. I do want my child to succeed. But I don't know if I think he's ready to hold his own yet. And there inevitably will be repercussions if we do this and it's not the right decision. We don't really have much time to make a decision either. The classes fill up quickly and it's really important for us to make a decision sooner than later to get a spot. So tomorrow morning we're going to go visit the classroom and see. Everyone else has already jumped on this bandwagon- except me... I'm not sure if it's mother's intuition or if I'm just being overprotective... Either way, I'm really scared.

Crazy how we (Jacob and myself) went from being so gung-ho about homeschooling the boys to suddenly considering transferring Jack to a different school and possibly Liam too. Right now Liam just stays home with me but where Jack will be going Liam could attend too...

It's funny how a meeting can literally flip your whole life upside down... I guess that's what I get for thinking I've got it all figured out...