Here we go again...

When we got home from church this evening I hopped online only to see that Japan had a massive earthquake. GREAT.

We had a tsunami warning last year and it was just awful. We had to evacuate for hours, Jacob had to go to work because his shop runs the base news channel, and absolutely NOTHING happened. It was probably the most anti-climactic event I've ever lived through.

Well we're in a tsunami warning right now. The first wave is expected to hit just before 3 a.m. The sirens already went off once. And of course, just like last time, the phones are basically down. You can't really send texts or make phone calls- I assume this happens because so many people are trying at the same time. It's incredibly scary though. There is absolutely no way to get ahold of anyone. I woke Jacob up (because he was of course already sound asleep as this is all happening) and he tried calling our neighbor who works for the military police and his chain of command, but no luck, no phone service. So hopefully nothing crazy happens. And hopefully we don't get evacuated at like midnight. Last time it was like a scene from an apocalypse movie, tanks with Marines in full gear rolling through the streets with loud speakers, banging on doors, telling everyone to get the hell out. Definitely not what I want to be doing in the middle of the night. And of course we live in the tidal zone! I can actually see the ocean from my driveway, it's about a block, maybe a block and a half from our house.

Ugh. It's going to be a long night...

What I've done today...

So I haven't done a whole lot for anyone but myself today. But sometimes days like this are necessary. I've been sewing like crazy recently but I haven't sewn anything for myself. Until today!

I had these two old dresses in my closet balled up in the corner for probably about a year now. I'm notorious for buying things I like and then they don't fit. LOL. Of course I never return them. But today I had a brilliant idea to turn the dresses into skirts! I just cut off the top of each of them (which was the part that didn't fit- I'm much too top heavy, nothing fits!) and just sewed across the top! I had to add elastic to the one because it was gigantic when I removed it from the top part. But the other was gathered enough that I just had to clean up the edge. Easy peasy! And I LOVE them. I absolutely adore the fabric which was why I bought them in the first place. And now I can actually enjoy them! Conveniently I was just about to endure the horrific task of trying to find some new skirts for church.. and now I don't have to!! YEAH!!

And my real success of the day is....

A cute little cover for my Bible! I have terrible eyes so I had to find a large print bible and I love the King James Version so I was left with virtually no "cute" options. It's actually a really ugly maroon color. I've always disliked it but I dealt with it because it was the version and the size text I needed. Jacob once tried to buy me a case for it but it too was horrific- It looked like a "Barbie" case, bright pink and sparkly, not quite my cup of tea. So I set out to sew myself one I liked! I absolutely love this fabric but I'm down to almost just scraps of it and I can't find anymore anywhere. But thankfully there was just enough left for this! It was surprisingly easy to do too. I added a little brown button down on the bottom right corner for some embellishment and made a little page marker to match the case (the one on the Bible is ugly maroon too!) but you can't see it all that well on here but it's there! 

So day two of no facebook has turned out to be incredibly productive :) 

Why I ditched Facebook

Ditching Facebook was something I've talked about doing for awhile now. But I just never worked up the courage to do it. Lent was my catalyst.


I find Facebook completely perverse. Don't get me wrong, social media does indeed have a place and does do good things. But what I see most frequently is not that. (I'm going to go ahead and use the word "we" although I'm mostly referring to myself, I'm not pointing my finger at anyone else, but I do think these statements apply to others, surely they do.) We use facebook updating our status 10 times a day about what color our poop was, how many times our kid cried, that we're pissed because the lady at the grocery store gave us the stank eye, that someone cut us off in traffic, and so on. Let's be honest, none of this matters. I shouldn't get upset because someone cut you off in traffic, and quite frankly neither should you. It's life. By having this soap box to stand on we begin to think that it's ok to complain and moan about the most rediculous things. Society seems as if we're no longer able to deal with day to day things. Everything is bigger than it should be. And most of it isn't even important. It's this "celebrity" mentality that we get caught up in. Like people SHOULD care. But they don't. They may say they do, but chances are they really don't. 

And "friends" on facebook... I know people who have 100's of friends. Now I would challenge those people to give me 10 facts about a quarter of those people, real facts, not stupid status update facts. As we begin to invest our time and energy into these fake relationships our real relationships inevitably begin to deteriorate. Instead of sending someone a hand written note or a thought out email we drop someone a note on Facebook with some short, meaningless, impersonal thought. There's no real relationship involved there. When things go south in your life those status updates and notes won't hold you while you cry. They won't comfort you when the world's falling apart. You need real life people to do that. The computer will never be able to hug you, no matter how many times you use "(( ))" or "***" or any other weird use of punctuation, those things don't replace tangible, real relationships.

I also find myself falling into this trap of envy. It's so easy to be envious of what others have when it's up in your face all the time. Everyone's lives look so honky-dory online. But I doubt they really are. So much of what I see on Facebook is completely fake. But our human nature doesn't necessarily get that. Whether that person's life is truly perfect or not is irrelevant when their "perfection" is right there all day. And I'm human. I get jealous. 

Somedays it's SO hard to see people complaining about how crabby their kids are (which I know I've done too!) when Jack's been screaming and literally bouncing off the walls because he's completely disregulated from a bad day at school. What I would give to have regular good old temper tantrums. It's hard not to envy others being able to go out and do whatever they want as a family regardless of fluorescent lighting, crowds, and noise levels. I can't help but envy those moms who can take both kids out to the grocery store alone. I can't do that. And I hate it. And facebook just brings those things to the surface. What I'd give to be able to watch some trashy reality t.v. instead of arguing with the school over Jack's education and having phone call after phone call with the insurance company and tutors to get him the things he needs. 

Which then brings me onto the whole babies and pregnancy thing. It's been well over a year now since I have wanted to get pregnant again (I've stopped counting). And it's been almost 5 months since we lost Zoe. Seeing EVERYONE (and I mean that, for real, EVERYONE is pregnant or just had a baby!) going on and on about morning sickness and ultrasounds and midnight bottle feedings and diaper changes HURTS. It really hurts. 

Now I realize most of this lies within me. I get that. But I do think that facebook is going to be the downfall of our society... ok maybe that's a bit dramatic, but there's some validity to it. People don't even know how to spell anymore. People don't know how to have a meaningful conversation. People don't really interact with one another. People don't even know what's real and truly important anymore. And that's sad!

So I'm ditching the facebook for awhile. Lent is a time to draw close to God and realize what has been done for us. A time to deal with our passions and our demons. To come to know ourselves and truly know God. And that's exactly what I'm going to try to do. 

So here we go. Day 1 almost down. It's been surprisingly easy so far. I've thought about it from time to time but I've managed to keep myself busy and so it hasn't been too much of a struggle. It kind of feels like I've cut one of the chains holding me down. Who knows, maybe I won't go back after Easter... 

Facebook!

I'm off the addiction. Just logged out for the last time until after Easter. I'm excited but nervous... I hope I can do this!

Hopefully with all the extra time I'm going to have I'll be able to do more bloggin!

Wish me luck folks!

Maybe I missed something...

(this is actually a post I did for my autism blog, but it seemed like it could/should be posted over here too)

While Jack was being diagnosed with Autism we were asked billions of questions about family history. No one in either my family or my husband's was ever diagnosed with Autism. But one of my brothers and all 4 of Jacob's brothers have ADHD. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and (although not diagnosed) obsessive compulsive behavior. Jacob too has had depression.  

So I really thought that Autism came from a combination of all the complications of Jack's pregnancy. It was awful. My blood pressure was high from the beginning, fluid levels were dropping constantly, and at our 20 week ultra-sound it was discovered that Jack's kidneys were dilated. Because of all this we were going and getting high definition ultra sounds done at another hospital once a month. The final month of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I had the steroid shots because no one thought he would make it to term. At 34 weeks we went for an ultrasound only to discover that my placenta was dead and Jack wasn't growing at all anymore. So I had an emergency c-section and Jack was born 6 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds.

I have no idea what caused Jack's Autism. He never regressed, he just stopped keeping up with milestones, which leads me to believe it didn't have anything to do with vaccines (although I do think there is some validity to those arguments, I just don't agree that the vaccines 100% cause Autism). 

Lately I've been doing some "soul searching." Lots of things in my life are not as I would like them to be. And I've found myself taking a good long stare in the mirror...

Sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe I have Aspergers. 

Tonight I sat down and started researching the "signs" in adults with Aspergers. I actually found somewhere online that you can take a test (obviously not meant to be a diagnosis but merely a tool to use on your own). If you scored over 32 you could very well have high functioning Autism or Aspergers. I scored 36.

As I took the test I suddenly started pouring over the details of my childhood. I was OBSESSED with reading. I read all day, all night, all the time. Kids used to make fun of me for it. I had no desire to have friends. I just wanted to read and be in my own world. I was also obsessed with numbers. I have very vivid memories of laying in bed making up math equations based on whatever numbers were in the time (i.e. 2:24 would work out into all sorts of things like 2+2=4 but often more complicated than that). It was absolutely a self-soothing thing. I would put myself to sleep doing that and rubbing my feet together (which I also did whenever I got nervous) and quite frankly I still do. I was really good at math too. When I was in 4th grade we would do these multiplication tables and time ourselves as a class. I was so good that I actually had several "face-offs" with my teacher to see who could do them fastest. Sometimes she won, sometimes I did. I was reading Shakespeare for fun by sixth grade. And I had a photographic memory. I could recall scenes like photos in my brain. I also had a pretty narrow field of interest, I loved animals. I read every book in several series about horses. I was incredibly smart. But really awkward.

As I grew older I discovered that by becoming like the people I surrounded myself with I would be accepted. I began to mold myself into whatever group of friends I had at the time. Which often was a terrible thing (I was always drawn to the trouble makers, the kids on drugs, etc. Maybe because they were the easiest to fit in with?). But that's actually how I began making friends. And still to this day I find myself absolutely manipulated by whatever the people I hang out with are like. Right after we moved out here I had made a friend who was just a mess and a total drunk, sure enough a couple of months later I was a borderline alcoholic and a complete mess myself. Thankfully I was smart enough to stop that friendship and although I'm still a mess most days, I no longer drink...

Which leads me to where I am now. I don't have any friends. Quite frankly I prefer it. Friends are a hassle to me. The few people I was friends with since moving to Hawaii would come over and we would just sit in the living room of my house watching my kids. I really never had anything to say, and often just wanted them to leave. I find having "friends" online so much easier. They can't hassle you, they're there when you want them to be there. It's so much easier for me to handle answering an email than to have a conversation with someone. I like to piece together my thoughts methodically. If I don't, I often times sound like either an idiot or I'm rude.

All these things combined make me really think maybe I do have Aspergers...

Hmmm...

But it really doesn't matter. I am who I am. And no diagnosis could change that. It's just interesting...

The struggle...

Another day, another struggle. I feel pretty overwhelmed and exhausted at this point. So many things I want and need to do but so little desire to actually do anything. Which is a big part in why it's been so long since I posted. 
We had a friend of Jacob's Aunt and Uncle stay with us for a few days earlier this week. As much as I absolutely hate having guests in our house (poor Jack really struggles with any changes and other people in our house inevitably leads to all sorts of changes) it was kind of refreshing having him here. He just finished attending a men's retreat on the Big Island and stopped here on Oahu for a business meeting and to spend some time with Jacob. It was nice to see Jacob getting to talk to someone about God. He just lights up with passion... It's truly wonderful. They had great conversation after great conversation and I was fortunate enough to be able to listen to some of them (I was on kiddo duty the vast majority of the time he was here) and it was a breathe of fresh air. I truly believe walking in my faith would be easier if I was surrounded by other people who love the Lord. I am blessed to have a couple good friends that I can turn to, but unfortunately none here in Hawaii. Maybe someday! One of these days I'm going to work up the courage and stop being so shy at church! 
Jacob was supposed to be leaving Sunday to go to some training out in Maryland but after some technical difficulties at the travel office this morning they were unable to get the paperwork filed for him to go. YEA!!! It was only going to be two weeks but I was a little freaked out at the prospect of being all alone with the boys with no break for two weeks- especially after I discovered one of those week is Jack's spring break! I'm so thankful Jacob's not going. Seriously. What a blessing. He will have to go at some point. But not this weekend and that's all that matters!
I picked up my Bible for the first time in over a month this afternoon. I was sitting here contemplating what to do with this time during Liam's nap and out of the corner of my eye I saw my Bible sitting next to the computer desk, literally covered in dust. Not a good sign. No wonder I'm struggling these days huh? I read a few chapters and feel good about finally getting back on the horse. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...
This coming Monday is the beginning of Lent which is quite a big deal in the Orthodox church to say the least. Orthodox fast from meat, dairy, all animal products, wine, and olive oil for the 40 days, plus you're supposed to limit your time you spend listening to the radio, watching t.v., watching movies, etc. so that you can focus on Christ. It's really a beautiful thing. We've started doing the food fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays (which Orthodox do all year long) and it's much harder than I anticipated. Since we're new to this we're not expected to adhere to the strict fast for 40 days but we're going to start off with two days a week and see where we end up. It's exciting really. I find it really wonderful to be part of a tradition, especially one that is deeply rooted in history and incredibly meaningful.
I think I'm going to try to give up Facebook for Lent. It's something I've been talking about doing for awhile now (when I actually take the plunge I'll elaborate on the reasons why). Facebook is a real distraction for me, and Lent is a time to purge our lives of those things. So I think I'm going to use Lent as the real push to do this! So look forward to a post in the next few days on whether I've done it or not :) 

It's been awhile!

Wow, has it really been that long since I last posted? 


We seem to be sliding downward again with Jack. Last Thursday he had a meltdown when his tutor got here over her asking him how he was, seriously, that's all it took. He refused to answer and began screaming and crying and throwing things. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to quit anytime soon she just picked him up and carried him up to his play room where he proceeded to go on for what seemed like forever. They eventually got through his work for the day, but not without a lot of tears. Friday was more of the same, not quite as bad, but not what we've come to expect as "normal." No tutor today and it was rough. He had a terrible day at school - which I wasn't expecting being that it was Valentine's Day so there was fun stuff going on, including the cupcakes he helped me make last night. But he had quite a few big tantrums. This entire afternoon was spent picking fights with Liam. Eventually it ended in a big blow out with him slapping me across the face and proceeding to throw everything he could all over the living room. I just sat on the couch holding Liam and ignoring him until he stopped - it was obviously attention seeking - everything he threw he would pause and look at me, waiting to get a reaction. Eventually he realized that he wasn't going to get attention like that and came over and nicely asked for a cup of milk. It amazes me how quickly he can calm down sometimes. I was relieved, for one it was nice that he stopped on his own, and for two, the fact that he did stop just like that was proof that it was simply just trying to get attention. I told him he had to clean up the damage (which was quite extensive, nothing was broken but it looked as if a toy store had exploded in the living room. this quite frankly scares the s*** out of me. he's three and can throw one hell of a tantrum- what will we do when he's 13?!?) before he got his milk and he did with no complaints. We then had a little "heart to heart" about what he did and how it wasn't ok and he curled up on the couch as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it's all so confusing. I wonder if this is the typical "horrible three year old" behavior (because he is three, Autistic or not, he is three years old and has to deal with all that stuff on top of his Autism) or the Autism. I'm hoping to get a chance to sit down and talk with his BCBA (the woman in charge of his tutoring program) and pick her brain about all this stuff. It's hard when you're changing programs as frequently as we have had to this last year. It all just becomes a jumbled mess. 


School is still a nightmare. I seriously do not know what I'm going to do with them. UGH! I heard that there is a teacher at the school Jack went to for summer semester that "specializes" in Autism and basically has a preschool classroom set up specifically for Autistic children. So hopefully tomorrow I will begin the process of getting some magical piece of paper called a "geographic exemption" that will give us the ability to go to a different school than where we're charted to go geographically. For real, could they make this maze of education ANY more confusing?! Even if we get the approval to switch schools I have no idea how difficult it will be to get into this woman's class. The person who told me about her said she's the best preschool teacher on the island. Which is great. Except the fact that everyone and their grandma are probably trying to get in there too. Wish me luck. I hate this crap. 


Other than that, not much is going on. Just the same old, same old. I did however purchase a new sewing machine a week ago and have been sewing my little heart out! I always enjoyed sewing when I was a little girl and so it's kind of therapeutic. I honestly don't know what I'm doing (lol) but I'm figuring it out as I go. I've made like 5 pairs of pajama pants for the boys, a purse for myself, a valance for the kitchen window (out of an incredibly ugly chicken fabric remnant I found for $1!! I love ugly things- sounds strange- but it's true), and tonight I almost finished sewing a skirt for myself. I've almost got my little sewing corner set up, when I get it finished I'll post a picture. Now if only I could have like a couple days to lock myself away up here and just sew until I couldn't sew anymore I'd be a happy gal!