* I met with our Priest today. It was the first time I've ever actually had a meeting with him by myself. Typically the hubby's with me. And quite frankly I don't talk much. Jacob's very well spoken and much more 'scholarly' than I am so there really isn't a need for me to chime in much. It was really nice to talk to someone about Orthodoxy. And about where I am in life.
* While meeting with my Priest I realized something. I have an extremely hard time talking about Zoe out loud. I know, you're probably saying "duh" because I'm obviously still very much struggling with my miscarriage. I write about it on here. I think about it constantly. But very rarely do I speak about it. I guess it's just something I carry on the inside? I honestly had never realized until the very moment he brought it up and I was instantly overcome with sadness and pain. I choked back tears, trying to formulate sentences in response to his questions. Quite frankly, it's not ok. I obviously need to talk about Zoe. Not talking about her doesn't make it any less of a reality (maybe that's what this weird 'hold it all inside' attitude is subconsciously?!). So that is going to be a goal of mine. I want to talk about Zoe. I want to remember that I have a child in Heaven. Not just in my head, but in real life. This is kind of a big undertaking considering the vast majority of my conversations are held with toddlers but I think I can find a way to do this. And I want to try.
* We started a 'feeding protocol' with Jack and his tutor to get him to start trying new foods. To say that it is going well is really the understatement of the century. He literally HASN'T protested. He's been totally cool with it. So far it's just been single foods (I do think it will be harder with foods that are several ingredients) but even today his tutor commented that she could tell he didn't like the pineapple but continued to comply anyway. How unbelievably awesome is that?! And to top it off, this kid is eating like never before. And not grilled cheese 3 meals a day! Just today he ate eggs, sausage, a whole can of V8 blend (technically he drank that but it was a new item), goldfish, watermelon, pineapple, chips and salsa, a 'hot dog sandwich' (hot dog with cheese wrapped in bread), and various other snacks through out the day. What an amazing blessing. Seriously. I have spent many hours concerned about how we would get Jack to eat and starting to put on weight. But it's like he's a totally changed kid the last few days. He even insisted on eating broccoli and watermelon for supper Thursday night- and he ate almost the entire head of broccoli! This is absolutely an answered prayer. And I'm so thankful!!
* Aside from the eating, Jack is really doing all around incredibly well the past few days. When I got home this evening we had about 2 hours before bedtime. Liam, Jack, and I played board games for over an hour with no fighting or screaming- which has NEVER happened before. He was completely calm, cool, and collected. There were several times where I got lost just staring at him. As if someone had swapped out my child for another. I don't really know what to make of it to be honest. He's talking better than ever. Conversing more frequently than ever. It's amazing! We were sitting next to each other watching Jacob play some video games this evening and Jack actually reached over and rubbed my back with his hand. Something I do to the boys all the time. Just that nice, I love you, I'm here, quick brush along your back. He's never done that before. I looked at him and he looked right into my eyes and smiled at me. There are no words to describe it. It was something I will never forget. We sat next to each other for quite awhile longer and looked back over at him to see that he was totally mimicking me! I had been leaning forward with my head resting on my hand and he was doing the same thing. Something is changing in Jack. He's growing and maturing. It's so incredibly beautiful. I am so in love with and so proud of my son.
* Tonight I feel the most sincerely happy I've felt in a long time. Not that surface happy, nothing's going catastrophically bad right now, but a sincere, deep in my soul happiness. Something that I've been longing for for such a long time. I am incredibly blessed. And I am incredibly thankful.
Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label autism. Show all posts
Friday, March 25, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Maybe I missed something...
(this is actually a post I did for my autism blog, but it seemed like it could/should be posted over here too)
While Jack was being diagnosed with Autism we were asked billions of questions about family history. No one in either my family or my husband's was ever diagnosed with Autism. But one of my brothers and all 4 of Jacob's brothers have ADHD. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and (although not diagnosed) obsessive compulsive behavior. Jacob too has had depression.
So I really thought that Autism came from a combination of all the complications of Jack's pregnancy. It was awful. My blood pressure was high from the beginning, fluid levels were dropping constantly, and at our 20 week ultra-sound it was discovered that Jack's kidneys were dilated. Because of all this we were going and getting high definition ultra sounds done at another hospital once a month. The final month of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I had the steroid shots because no one thought he would make it to term. At 34 weeks we went for an ultrasound only to discover that my placenta was dead and Jack wasn't growing at all anymore. So I had an emergency c-section and Jack was born 6 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds.
I have no idea what caused Jack's Autism. He never regressed, he just stopped keeping up with milestones, which leads me to believe it didn't have anything to do with vaccines (although I do think there is some validity to those arguments, I just don't agree that the vaccines 100% cause Autism).
Lately I've been doing some "soul searching." Lots of things in my life are not as I would like them to be. And I've found myself taking a good long stare in the mirror...
Sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe I have Aspergers.
Tonight I sat down and started researching the "signs" in adults with Aspergers. I actually found somewhere online that you can take a test (obviously not meant to be a diagnosis but merely a tool to use on your own). If you scored over 32 you could very well have high functioning Autism or Aspergers. I scored 36.
As I took the test I suddenly started pouring over the details of my childhood. I was OBSESSED with reading. I read all day, all night, all the time. Kids used to make fun of me for it. I had no desire to have friends. I just wanted to read and be in my own world. I was also obsessed with numbers. I have very vivid memories of laying in bed making up math equations based on whatever numbers were in the time (i.e. 2:24 would work out into all sorts of things like 2+2=4 but often more complicated than that). It was absolutely a self-soothing thing. I would put myself to sleep doing that and rubbing my feet together (which I also did whenever I got nervous) and quite frankly I still do. I was really good at math too. When I was in 4th grade we would do these multiplication tables and time ourselves as a class. I was so good that I actually had several "face-offs" with my teacher to see who could do them fastest. Sometimes she won, sometimes I did. I was reading Shakespeare for fun by sixth grade. And I had a photographic memory. I could recall scenes like photos in my brain. I also had a pretty narrow field of interest, I loved animals. I read every book in several series about horses. I was incredibly smart. But really awkward.
As I grew older I discovered that by becoming like the people I surrounded myself with I would be accepted. I began to mold myself into whatever group of friends I had at the time. Which often was a terrible thing (I was always drawn to the trouble makers, the kids on drugs, etc. Maybe because they were the easiest to fit in with?). But that's actually how I began making friends. And still to this day I find myself absolutely manipulated by whatever the people I hang out with are like. Right after we moved out here I had made a friend who was just a mess and a total drunk, sure enough a couple of months later I was a borderline alcoholic and a complete mess myself. Thankfully I was smart enough to stop that friendship and although I'm still a mess most days, I no longer drink...
Which leads me to where I am now. I don't have any friends. Quite frankly I prefer it. Friends are a hassle to me. The few people I was friends with since moving to Hawaii would come over and we would just sit in the living room of my house watching my kids. I really never had anything to say, and often just wanted them to leave. I find having "friends" online so much easier. They can't hassle you, they're there when you want them to be there. It's so much easier for me to handle answering an email than to have a conversation with someone. I like to piece together my thoughts methodically. If I don't, I often times sound like either an idiot or I'm rude.
All these things combined make me really think maybe I do have Aspergers...
Hmmm...
But it really doesn't matter. I am who I am. And no diagnosis could change that. It's just interesting...
Monday, February 14, 2011
It's been awhile!
Wow, has it really been that long since I last posted?
We seem to be sliding downward again with Jack. Last Thursday he had a meltdown when his tutor got here over her asking him how he was, seriously, that's all it took. He refused to answer and began screaming and crying and throwing things. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to quit anytime soon she just picked him up and carried him up to his play room where he proceeded to go on for what seemed like forever. They eventually got through his work for the day, but not without a lot of tears. Friday was more of the same, not quite as bad, but not what we've come to expect as "normal." No tutor today and it was rough. He had a terrible day at school - which I wasn't expecting being that it was Valentine's Day so there was fun stuff going on, including the cupcakes he helped me make last night. But he had quite a few big tantrums. This entire afternoon was spent picking fights with Liam. Eventually it ended in a big blow out with him slapping me across the face and proceeding to throw everything he could all over the living room. I just sat on the couch holding Liam and ignoring him until he stopped - it was obviously attention seeking - everything he threw he would pause and look at me, waiting to get a reaction. Eventually he realized that he wasn't going to get attention like that and came over and nicely asked for a cup of milk. It amazes me how quickly he can calm down sometimes. I was relieved, for one it was nice that he stopped on his own, and for two, the fact that he did stop just like that was proof that it was simply just trying to get attention. I told him he had to clean up the damage (which was quite extensive, nothing was broken but it looked as if a toy store had exploded in the living room. this quite frankly scares the s*** out of me. he's three and can throw one hell of a tantrum- what will we do when he's 13?!?) before he got his milk and he did with no complaints. We then had a little "heart to heart" about what he did and how it wasn't ok and he curled up on the couch as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it's all so confusing. I wonder if this is the typical "horrible three year old" behavior (because he is three, Autistic or not, he is three years old and has to deal with all that stuff on top of his Autism) or the Autism. I'm hoping to get a chance to sit down and talk with his BCBA (the woman in charge of his tutoring program) and pick her brain about all this stuff. It's hard when you're changing programs as frequently as we have had to this last year. It all just becomes a jumbled mess.
School is still a nightmare. I seriously do not know what I'm going to do with them. UGH! I heard that there is a teacher at the school Jack went to for summer semester that "specializes" in Autism and basically has a preschool classroom set up specifically for Autistic children. So hopefully tomorrow I will begin the process of getting some magical piece of paper called a "geographic exemption" that will give us the ability to go to a different school than where we're charted to go geographically. For real, could they make this maze of education ANY more confusing?! Even if we get the approval to switch schools I have no idea how difficult it will be to get into this woman's class. The person who told me about her said she's the best preschool teacher on the island. Which is great. Except the fact that everyone and their grandma are probably trying to get in there too. Wish me luck. I hate this crap.
Other than that, not much is going on. Just the same old, same old. I did however purchase a new sewing machine a week ago and have been sewing my little heart out! I always enjoyed sewing when I was a little girl and so it's kind of therapeutic. I honestly don't know what I'm doing (lol) but I'm figuring it out as I go. I've made like 5 pairs of pajama pants for the boys, a purse for myself, a valance for the kitchen window (out of an incredibly ugly chicken fabric remnant I found for $1!! I love ugly things- sounds strange- but it's true), and tonight I almost finished sewing a skirt for myself. I've almost got my little sewing corner set up, when I get it finished I'll post a picture. Now if only I could have like a couple days to lock myself away up here and just sew until I couldn't sew anymore I'd be a happy gal!
We seem to be sliding downward again with Jack. Last Thursday he had a meltdown when his tutor got here over her asking him how he was, seriously, that's all it took. He refused to answer and began screaming and crying and throwing things. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to quit anytime soon she just picked him up and carried him up to his play room where he proceeded to go on for what seemed like forever. They eventually got through his work for the day, but not without a lot of tears. Friday was more of the same, not quite as bad, but not what we've come to expect as "normal." No tutor today and it was rough. He had a terrible day at school - which I wasn't expecting being that it was Valentine's Day so there was fun stuff going on, including the cupcakes he helped me make last night. But he had quite a few big tantrums. This entire afternoon was spent picking fights with Liam. Eventually it ended in a big blow out with him slapping me across the face and proceeding to throw everything he could all over the living room. I just sat on the couch holding Liam and ignoring him until he stopped - it was obviously attention seeking - everything he threw he would pause and look at me, waiting to get a reaction. Eventually he realized that he wasn't going to get attention like that and came over and nicely asked for a cup of milk. It amazes me how quickly he can calm down sometimes. I was relieved, for one it was nice that he stopped on his own, and for two, the fact that he did stop just like that was proof that it was simply just trying to get attention. I told him he had to clean up the damage (which was quite extensive, nothing was broken but it looked as if a toy store had exploded in the living room. this quite frankly scares the s*** out of me. he's three and can throw one hell of a tantrum- what will we do when he's 13?!?) before he got his milk and he did with no complaints. We then had a little "heart to heart" about what he did and how it wasn't ok and he curled up on the couch as if nothing had happened. Sometimes it's all so confusing. I wonder if this is the typical "horrible three year old" behavior (because he is three, Autistic or not, he is three years old and has to deal with all that stuff on top of his Autism) or the Autism. I'm hoping to get a chance to sit down and talk with his BCBA (the woman in charge of his tutoring program) and pick her brain about all this stuff. It's hard when you're changing programs as frequently as we have had to this last year. It all just becomes a jumbled mess.
School is still a nightmare. I seriously do not know what I'm going to do with them. UGH! I heard that there is a teacher at the school Jack went to for summer semester that "specializes" in Autism and basically has a preschool classroom set up specifically for Autistic children. So hopefully tomorrow I will begin the process of getting some magical piece of paper called a "geographic exemption" that will give us the ability to go to a different school than where we're charted to go geographically. For real, could they make this maze of education ANY more confusing?! Even if we get the approval to switch schools I have no idea how difficult it will be to get into this woman's class. The person who told me about her said she's the best preschool teacher on the island. Which is great. Except the fact that everyone and their grandma are probably trying to get in there too. Wish me luck. I hate this crap.
Other than that, not much is going on. Just the same old, same old. I did however purchase a new sewing machine a week ago and have been sewing my little heart out! I always enjoyed sewing when I was a little girl and so it's kind of therapeutic. I honestly don't know what I'm doing (lol) but I'm figuring it out as I go. I've made like 5 pairs of pajama pants for the boys, a purse for myself, a valance for the kitchen window (out of an incredibly ugly chicken fabric remnant I found for $1!! I love ugly things- sounds strange- but it's true), and tonight I almost finished sewing a skirt for myself. I've almost got my little sewing corner set up, when I get it finished I'll post a picture. Now if only I could have like a couple days to lock myself away up here and just sew until I couldn't sew anymore I'd be a happy gal!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Scatterbrained
It's been awhile since I've updated this- not for lack of ideas, there are so many things I want to blog about. But unfortunately so little time. I've kind of been all over the place recently.
As far as things with Jack, every thing's going really well. I had another meeting with the school last week and although it was pretty much the same meeting we've had 4 times already it seemed to stick more... Hopefully. There were lots of great ideas thrown out and they've already begun implementing some of them which is awesome. I don't think that this is going to fix everything but I think we're moving forward. And I think that the teacher is finally taking Jack's sensory needs seriously. Unfortunately Thursday he came home with a letter saying that one kid has chicken pox followed up with Friday a note about another child having Strep throat and yet another with some sort of mystery illness. So here's hoping that we don't all get super sick. Jack's definitely coming down with something over the past few days. Chances are he won't be in school for the beginning of the week. Preschoolers are like walking petri dishes!
His new tutoring is going really well! We've had two sessions now, one at home on Thursday and one down at their clinic on Saturday morning. Thursday was a bit rough but that was to be expected since this is all really new to him. Saturday he hung in there like a champ! Two hours of intensive learning is a lot! But he did it! He even got his "special activity" for the first time because he worked hard, played nicely, was happy, and listened :) If he does all 4 of those things each day he gets to do something fun- he got to paint a little clay teddy bear that morning and LOVED it! I really think that this new program is going to make a huge difference. I hope that it carries over into school!!
So how am I? Such an interesting question. Very up and down. I have really good days and other days just feel like complete failure. Thankfully I've been pretty productive which helps with my overall mood...
Last week I finally broke down and tackled the toy closet. We have SO much stuff for these kids having had therapy for Jack out of our home for nearly two years now. Jacob swears that I'm crazy and they're just spoiled but I can justify (or so I think) the vast majority of the stuff for it's educational value. It really looks like a preschool in their closet (which is a walk in closet, that gives you an idea of just how much stuff I've got). Everything has a place now and every container has a neat little label I made on the computer with pictures and laminated. I'm hoping this will help the boys help me get stuff put away in the correct places. So far I've been doing most of the clean up, so it's still looking good.
In a desperate attempt to find last years tax information (which has self destructed, I swear! It's not here!!) I've knocked out a room a day trying to find the darn thing. It's nice to have stuff getting back to a manageable order. Sometimes things are just out of control- which is how I feel about the vast majority of our house at this point. But we're getting there, slowly but surely. And hopefully the darn tax paperwork will show up!
I've been pretty good about doing my bible reading. I've stumbled here and there but have caught up fairly easily. Right now I'm a day behind. I haven't felt good at all today so I haven't done today yet but I'm hoping I'll get to it tonight. I've gotten through Matthew and Mark and am about halfway into Luke now. It's really exciting! I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Haha, who'd have thought?!
We officially became Catechumens last night into the Orthodox Church. Which is really exciting but it was a horrible experience. Usually we don't bring the boys to Vespers on Saturday nights because they go to bed at 7 and starting a service at 6:15 with them is just plain foolish. But since it was a special occasion for us we brought them with us. Well we were supposed to do the service before Vespers but Father was late and so we had to wait until after. Liam was just being defiant. Every time I asked him to whisper he would very loudly reply that he didn't want to! Finally I took him outside to the car to talk because the more I talked to him the louder he got. He decided he wanted to just stay in the car so we spent the last half out in the car. Finally at 7:15 we went in and had our little service- at which point Jack repeatedly asked Father where the bread was (they get blessed bread on Sundays) and Liam refused to participate in any capacity. But we made it! And we're officially members of the Russian Orthodox Church! From here we'll be chrismated and baptized at some point down the road and then we'll be full-fledged, 100% active members of the church! I'm really excited!
I've really dug down deep lately, plugging along with all this organizing. I've come up with a plan as to how to organize our eating. I'm so terrible about making meals- if I don't plan it out, I just simply won't do it. And so I've begun creating meal plans. I'm going to make 4 weeks and just rotate through them. Along with each weekly plan I'm going to make a master shopping list that corresponds with each of them individually. Sounds like it should work right? I hope so! Now I just have to dig out all the old recipes and start actually plugging in meals to days. It's been a really fun project- I actually drew little pictures to put on the calendars in Photoshop- something I've never done before. Jacob was shocked and impressed. I may be able to create things on the computer but I've never really actually drawn anything from scratch. When I get a menu finished I'll post it on here!! I'm hoping to get it done by the end of the month so we can start using them!
Instead I'll finish with a couple of pictures of the boys from last night.
As far as things with Jack, every thing's going really well. I had another meeting with the school last week and although it was pretty much the same meeting we've had 4 times already it seemed to stick more... Hopefully. There were lots of great ideas thrown out and they've already begun implementing some of them which is awesome. I don't think that this is going to fix everything but I think we're moving forward. And I think that the teacher is finally taking Jack's sensory needs seriously. Unfortunately Thursday he came home with a letter saying that one kid has chicken pox followed up with Friday a note about another child having Strep throat and yet another with some sort of mystery illness. So here's hoping that we don't all get super sick. Jack's definitely coming down with something over the past few days. Chances are he won't be in school for the beginning of the week. Preschoolers are like walking petri dishes!
His new tutoring is going really well! We've had two sessions now, one at home on Thursday and one down at their clinic on Saturday morning. Thursday was a bit rough but that was to be expected since this is all really new to him. Saturday he hung in there like a champ! Two hours of intensive learning is a lot! But he did it! He even got his "special activity" for the first time because he worked hard, played nicely, was happy, and listened :) If he does all 4 of those things each day he gets to do something fun- he got to paint a little clay teddy bear that morning and LOVED it! I really think that this new program is going to make a huge difference. I hope that it carries over into school!!
So how am I? Such an interesting question. Very up and down. I have really good days and other days just feel like complete failure. Thankfully I've been pretty productive which helps with my overall mood...
Last week I finally broke down and tackled the toy closet. We have SO much stuff for these kids having had therapy for Jack out of our home for nearly two years now. Jacob swears that I'm crazy and they're just spoiled but I can justify (or so I think) the vast majority of the stuff for it's educational value. It really looks like a preschool in their closet (which is a walk in closet, that gives you an idea of just how much stuff I've got). Everything has a place now and every container has a neat little label I made on the computer with pictures and laminated. I'm hoping this will help the boys help me get stuff put away in the correct places. So far I've been doing most of the clean up, so it's still looking good.
In a desperate attempt to find last years tax information (which has self destructed, I swear! It's not here!!) I've knocked out a room a day trying to find the darn thing. It's nice to have stuff getting back to a manageable order. Sometimes things are just out of control- which is how I feel about the vast majority of our house at this point. But we're getting there, slowly but surely. And hopefully the darn tax paperwork will show up!
I've been pretty good about doing my bible reading. I've stumbled here and there but have caught up fairly easily. Right now I'm a day behind. I haven't felt good at all today so I haven't done today yet but I'm hoping I'll get to it tonight. I've gotten through Matthew and Mark and am about halfway into Luke now. It's really exciting! I can't believe I'm actually doing this! Haha, who'd have thought?!
We officially became Catechumens last night into the Orthodox Church. Which is really exciting but it was a horrible experience. Usually we don't bring the boys to Vespers on Saturday nights because they go to bed at 7 and starting a service at 6:15 with them is just plain foolish. But since it was a special occasion for us we brought them with us. Well we were supposed to do the service before Vespers but Father was late and so we had to wait until after. Liam was just being defiant. Every time I asked him to whisper he would very loudly reply that he didn't want to! Finally I took him outside to the car to talk because the more I talked to him the louder he got. He decided he wanted to just stay in the car so we spent the last half out in the car. Finally at 7:15 we went in and had our little service- at which point Jack repeatedly asked Father where the bread was (they get blessed bread on Sundays) and Liam refused to participate in any capacity. But we made it! And we're officially members of the Russian Orthodox Church! From here we'll be chrismated and baptized at some point down the road and then we'll be full-fledged, 100% active members of the church! I'm really excited!
I've really dug down deep lately, plugging along with all this organizing. I've come up with a plan as to how to organize our eating. I'm so terrible about making meals- if I don't plan it out, I just simply won't do it. And so I've begun creating meal plans. I'm going to make 4 weeks and just rotate through them. Along with each weekly plan I'm going to make a master shopping list that corresponds with each of them individually. Sounds like it should work right? I hope so! Now I just have to dig out all the old recipes and start actually plugging in meals to days. It's been a really fun project- I actually drew little pictures to put on the calendars in Photoshop- something I've never done before. Jacob was shocked and impressed. I may be able to create things on the computer but I've never really actually drawn anything from scratch. When I get a menu finished I'll post it on here!! I'm hoping to get it done by the end of the month so we can start using them!
Instead I'll finish with a couple of pictures of the boys from last night.
Friday, January 14, 2011
I did it!
I just moments ago finished reading the book of Matthew. I am quite proud of myself. 1 week and 1 chapter down! I'm excited to keep going :) I truly feel God at work in my life and I'm so thankful to be able to draw close to Him through His word. It's nice to sit down mid-day and just have some time with God both in reading the Bible and in prayer!
And I got some exciting new yesterday, we are going to become Catechumen in the Orthodox Church! Hopefully this weekend! Basically that means we're officially excepted into the Church and on our way to being Baptized into the Orthodox faith. I was baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church but this is different. Becoming Orthodox (to me) is really a reorganization of my relationship and recommitment to Christ. I'm excited to actively pursue my relationship with Christ in a whole new way!!
In other news, we've got a pretty nasty cold going around our house. Jack was first last week and I was able to hold it off pretty well with lots of vitamins and some Benadryl to help him sleep. Liam came next with rivers of snot everywhere and quite the attitude to match. He's still recovering (with the aid of Vitamins and Benadryl of course) and I think we're nearing the end. But unfortunately Jacob's sick now. He's been coming down with it for a couple days now and is quite miserable. So inevitably I will get it too. I'm trying hard to stay healthy- lots of vitamins and sleep. But I'm not going to hold my breath, I always get sick last and always stay sick the longest. Here's hoping we can at least hold off until Tuesday. I have too much to do this weekend!
Things are pretty up and down with Jack these days. We're going in for his assessment Monday and it will be interesting to see what they have to say. I'm excited to get a new plan in place and start moving forward again! Everything with the school is still relatively turbulent- still not eating, they're still not doing virtually any sensory with him during the day, and we're STILL waiting to have our next meeting. I just don't understand why no one else feels a sense of urgency in this. For Jack to start improving and moving forward we all have to be onboard. And it will be good for everyone involved! But unfortunately they're all SOOO BUSY and the meeting just isn't getting scheduled. We'll see if there's any news in Jack's notebook when he comes home today!
Although things in my life have been going relatively well since the terrible day I had on Tuesday I must say I have a very heavy heart today. One year ago today a beautiful baby girl named Hazel went home to Jesus. My heart just breaks for her parents Ryan and Angie. But I know that one day they will be reunited, just as I will be with Zoe, and live for all of eternity in Paradise...
And I got some exciting new yesterday, we are going to become Catechumen in the Orthodox Church! Hopefully this weekend! Basically that means we're officially excepted into the Church and on our way to being Baptized into the Orthodox faith. I was baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church but this is different. Becoming Orthodox (to me) is really a reorganization of my relationship and recommitment to Christ. I'm excited to actively pursue my relationship with Christ in a whole new way!!
In other news, we've got a pretty nasty cold going around our house. Jack was first last week and I was able to hold it off pretty well with lots of vitamins and some Benadryl to help him sleep. Liam came next with rivers of snot everywhere and quite the attitude to match. He's still recovering (with the aid of Vitamins and Benadryl of course) and I think we're nearing the end. But unfortunately Jacob's sick now. He's been coming down with it for a couple days now and is quite miserable. So inevitably I will get it too. I'm trying hard to stay healthy- lots of vitamins and sleep. But I'm not going to hold my breath, I always get sick last and always stay sick the longest. Here's hoping we can at least hold off until Tuesday. I have too much to do this weekend!
Things are pretty up and down with Jack these days. We're going in for his assessment Monday and it will be interesting to see what they have to say. I'm excited to get a new plan in place and start moving forward again! Everything with the school is still relatively turbulent- still not eating, they're still not doing virtually any sensory with him during the day, and we're STILL waiting to have our next meeting. I just don't understand why no one else feels a sense of urgency in this. For Jack to start improving and moving forward we all have to be onboard. And it will be good for everyone involved! But unfortunately they're all SOOO BUSY and the meeting just isn't getting scheduled. We'll see if there's any news in Jack's notebook when he comes home today!
Although things in my life have been going relatively well since the terrible day I had on Tuesday I must say I have a very heavy heart today. One year ago today a beautiful baby girl named Hazel went home to Jesus. My heart just breaks for her parents Ryan and Angie. But I know that one day they will be reunited, just as I will be with Zoe, and live for all of eternity in Paradise...
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Yesterday...
Well yesterday was the day, the day I fell off the wagon. It was basically complete chaos all day long and I definitely wallowed in my self-inflicted pity party.
We had Jack's intake meeting with the new tutoring company and it went really well- just as I suspected. I can't wait to get his program up and running! Assessments Monday and then we're just waiting on the insurance company :)
But that was the only high point of my day. Being that we had our meeting yesterday my entire schedule was thrown off. It's funny how I focus so much on keeping things routine and the same every day for Jack's sake- in all truth it's probably more for me! I get so crabby when things aren't the way they are everyday. I get stressed out and arguably neurotic. Not good. And I'm the only one who really seems to care that the schedule's different. Most certainly one of my own issues I need to work on. Life isn't perfect, it will never be predictable, stability is a gift- but certainly not a given.
After the meeting I proceeded to inhale some incredibly unhealthy food (pretty much been eating deep fried food since we received a deep fryer for Christmas!) and tried to relax and regroup. Of course that didn't happen, Liam's starting to get a cold and was REFUSING to nap. We argued back and forth for nearly and hour and a half before I finally just gave up on nap time. In all that time I neglected to do my bible reading for the day- hence falling off the wagon. Which probably played a huge part in my overall mood.
Once Jack got home the chaos continued. Liam dumped out my full giant can of redbull (a.k.a. my lifeline) all over the table, the floor, the rug, and their new tent. He attempted to help me clean it but of course that didn't work out so well and pretty much just spread the redbull even more. I proceeded to get out our little carpet cleaner and what do you know? It no longer works. So I scrubbed. And scrubbed. UGH! Shortly after that I layed down on the couch and Jack proceeded to pee his pants- and all over the other rug! I was already way beyond my breaking point and just cried as I scrubbed the floor for a second time in a half hour. Both kids were crabby. I was crabby.
We were scheduled to go over to our Priest's house for dinner last night. Which was the absolute LAST thing I felt like doing. I grumbled and put on my best angry face the entire drive over. I am however polite enough to push my crabbiness down while in the company of others but by the time we left (nearly SIX HOURS LATER) I was well beyond my limit. It was 11 pm, way past my bedtime, and I was DONE. We drove home in silence after I snapped at Jacob about how he seriously needs to work on his ability to shut the heck up. My head was pounding. I was exhausted. So when I got home I curled up in bed and went to sleep- still not completing my bible reading for the day.
It was inevitable- eventually I'd fall off the bandwagon! I wish yesterday didn't suck so darn bad! Needless to say, I will be doubling up this afternoon and doing yesterday and today's readings at lunch... Hopefully...
We had Jack's intake meeting with the new tutoring company and it went really well- just as I suspected. I can't wait to get his program up and running! Assessments Monday and then we're just waiting on the insurance company :)
But that was the only high point of my day. Being that we had our meeting yesterday my entire schedule was thrown off. It's funny how I focus so much on keeping things routine and the same every day for Jack's sake- in all truth it's probably more for me! I get so crabby when things aren't the way they are everyday. I get stressed out and arguably neurotic. Not good. And I'm the only one who really seems to care that the schedule's different. Most certainly one of my own issues I need to work on. Life isn't perfect, it will never be predictable, stability is a gift- but certainly not a given.
After the meeting I proceeded to inhale some incredibly unhealthy food (pretty much been eating deep fried food since we received a deep fryer for Christmas!) and tried to relax and regroup. Of course that didn't happen, Liam's starting to get a cold and was REFUSING to nap. We argued back and forth for nearly and hour and a half before I finally just gave up on nap time. In all that time I neglected to do my bible reading for the day- hence falling off the wagon. Which probably played a huge part in my overall mood.
Once Jack got home the chaos continued. Liam dumped out my full giant can of redbull (a.k.a. my lifeline) all over the table, the floor, the rug, and their new tent. He attempted to help me clean it but of course that didn't work out so well and pretty much just spread the redbull even more. I proceeded to get out our little carpet cleaner and what do you know? It no longer works. So I scrubbed. And scrubbed. UGH! Shortly after that I layed down on the couch and Jack proceeded to pee his pants- and all over the other rug! I was already way beyond my breaking point and just cried as I scrubbed the floor for a second time in a half hour. Both kids were crabby. I was crabby.
We were scheduled to go over to our Priest's house for dinner last night. Which was the absolute LAST thing I felt like doing. I grumbled and put on my best angry face the entire drive over. I am however polite enough to push my crabbiness down while in the company of others but by the time we left (nearly SIX HOURS LATER) I was well beyond my limit. It was 11 pm, way past my bedtime, and I was DONE. We drove home in silence after I snapped at Jacob about how he seriously needs to work on his ability to shut the heck up. My head was pounding. I was exhausted. So when I got home I curled up in bed and went to sleep- still not completing my bible reading for the day.
It was inevitable- eventually I'd fall off the bandwagon! I wish yesterday didn't suck so darn bad! Needless to say, I will be doubling up this afternoon and doing yesterday and today's readings at lunch... Hopefully...
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
I did it!
I put my big girl panties on and fired Jack's tutor and the company providing services :)
I must admit, I chickened out somewhat and did it by email, Jacob says I'm crazy and that I should have at least called her. But I truly think this is best. I'm pretty pissed right now and I don't deal well with confrontation so it was best for me to calmly and cooly put together an email rather than try to have a discussion about it. And it's over. There was no coming back from this anyway so I don't see a problem in what I did... Even if it is just because I'm chicken!
So I've been bothering Jack's case manager through the insurance company like crazy. Thankfully she's a wonderful woman and extremely helpful. She said that we're not the only family who has had this issue with this company and also with other companies that have been on board for a long time. You would think that people would realize the importance of stability for these kids. But they just don't. I must say I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one, I guess it gives me some validation. So if we can't get into the company we want, with our old tutor, she suggested we try out one of the new companies the insurance company just started accepting. We have 4 choices. Being that they're new each of them should have a pretty good selection of tutors and offer more stability. So that's plan b!
I contacted the new company where our old tutor is now. They have her assigned to another case already but she hasn't started so they're going to see if maybe they can switch some schedules. It would be SO wonderful to get her back!!! So we should know early next week (hopefully) what the game plan is.
So we're on our own for probably a couple weeks. But for the first time I'm not really scared by that. When we transferred from Early Intervention to DOE services I was terrified at the thought of not having any tutors for a couple weeks. But I think I've matured a bit since then, and I'm significantly more confident in my ability to handle things. I CAN do this!!
I must admit, I chickened out somewhat and did it by email, Jacob says I'm crazy and that I should have at least called her. But I truly think this is best. I'm pretty pissed right now and I don't deal well with confrontation so it was best for me to calmly and cooly put together an email rather than try to have a discussion about it. And it's over. There was no coming back from this anyway so I don't see a problem in what I did... Even if it is just because I'm chicken!
So I've been bothering Jack's case manager through the insurance company like crazy. Thankfully she's a wonderful woman and extremely helpful. She said that we're not the only family who has had this issue with this company and also with other companies that have been on board for a long time. You would think that people would realize the importance of stability for these kids. But they just don't. I must say I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one, I guess it gives me some validation. So if we can't get into the company we want, with our old tutor, she suggested we try out one of the new companies the insurance company just started accepting. We have 4 choices. Being that they're new each of them should have a pretty good selection of tutors and offer more stability. So that's plan b!
I contacted the new company where our old tutor is now. They have her assigned to another case already but she hasn't started so they're going to see if maybe they can switch some schedules. It would be SO wonderful to get her back!!! So we should know early next week (hopefully) what the game plan is.
So we're on our own for probably a couple weeks. But for the first time I'm not really scared by that. When we transferred from Early Intervention to DOE services I was terrified at the thought of not having any tutors for a couple weeks. But I think I've matured a bit since then, and I'm significantly more confident in my ability to handle things. I CAN do this!!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Another one bites the dust...
Ahh yes, here we are again amidst the perfect storm.
Jack's new tutor quit on us. This will be our 3rd tutor in less than 2 months. I actually haven't even heard from her (which I totally think is rude), her boss/Jack's program supervisor called me today to say that she had put in her two weeks notice. Only problem is her last day is the 31st... so something doesn't add up? Either my understanding of "a week" is wrong or she put in notice over a week ago and no one told me?!? Supposedly she had only taken this job to make some extra money while her fiance tried to find a job. Umm hello? If you're trained in special needs wouldn't you know that this isn't a "willy-nilly" "spur of the moment" type of job? Your decisions have consequences. You can't just be a tutor for a month and quit! Get a job at frickin Macys or something! Why don't people understand that they're seriously f-ing with my kid? UGH! And to make it even worse, she was here Monday and Tuesday last week and won't be here until Thursday/Friday this week. Couldn't you have quit BEFORE you needed a bunch of time off so that I could have gotten a replacement and not have a huge break in services? FRUSTRATING! So it turns out C (the boss lady) doesn't even actually have anyone to replace K yet. She put an ad on Craig's List today looking for someone to fill the position. GREAT. Are you kidding me? This is all such a joke!
So I contacted Jack's last tutor, the one before K, to see if she was tutoring again. She's gotten a job with another company tutoring- and they actually take our insurance! So tomorrow I have to sort through a million phone numbers to try to figure out how I can switch companies and essentially fire the one we have now. Hopefully we can just get our old tutor back. She was AMAZING. Jack still asks about her. And she really knows her stuff! She's a special ed teacher and absolutely adored Jack. So wish me luck. I'm not looking forward to this switch at all, I hate paperwork and procedural crap but it must be done. I've never "fired" anyone before either. So yeah, wish me luck!
I really need to get this all resolved, like I said, it's the perfect storm all over again. Jack's last regression started after a 2 week break from school, change in tutors, and the teacher's assistants at school changed too. Which is exactly what is happening all over again. UGH!!! I have so much to do, and so little energy to do anything. It's gonna be a rough week...
Jack's new tutor quit on us. This will be our 3rd tutor in less than 2 months. I actually haven't even heard from her (which I totally think is rude), her boss/Jack's program supervisor called me today to say that she had put in her two weeks notice. Only problem is her last day is the 31st... so something doesn't add up? Either my understanding of "a week" is wrong or she put in notice over a week ago and no one told me?!? Supposedly she had only taken this job to make some extra money while her fiance tried to find a job. Umm hello? If you're trained in special needs wouldn't you know that this isn't a "willy-nilly" "spur of the moment" type of job? Your decisions have consequences. You can't just be a tutor for a month and quit! Get a job at frickin Macys or something! Why don't people understand that they're seriously f-ing with my kid? UGH! And to make it even worse, she was here Monday and Tuesday last week and won't be here until Thursday/Friday this week. Couldn't you have quit BEFORE you needed a bunch of time off so that I could have gotten a replacement and not have a huge break in services? FRUSTRATING! So it turns out C (the boss lady) doesn't even actually have anyone to replace K yet. She put an ad on Craig's List today looking for someone to fill the position. GREAT. Are you kidding me? This is all such a joke!
So I contacted Jack's last tutor, the one before K, to see if she was tutoring again. She's gotten a job with another company tutoring- and they actually take our insurance! So tomorrow I have to sort through a million phone numbers to try to figure out how I can switch companies and essentially fire the one we have now. Hopefully we can just get our old tutor back. She was AMAZING. Jack still asks about her. And she really knows her stuff! She's a special ed teacher and absolutely adored Jack. So wish me luck. I'm not looking forward to this switch at all, I hate paperwork and procedural crap but it must be done. I've never "fired" anyone before either. So yeah, wish me luck!
I really need to get this all resolved, like I said, it's the perfect storm all over again. Jack's last regression started after a 2 week break from school, change in tutors, and the teacher's assistants at school changed too. Which is exactly what is happening all over again. UGH!!! I have so much to do, and so little energy to do anything. It's gonna be a rough week...
Friday, December 24, 2010
1000s of Miles...
This will be my fourth year celebrating Christmas without my family. And that sucks. It's actually been so long now that I really don't remember what it was like to be with my brothers and parents. It's weird how we've all grown up... My parents are spending Christmas Eve down in St. James with my Grandparents, Aaron is (I believe) spending it with his wonderful girlfriend Abbie's family, and my baby brother Matty is hunkered down somewhere in Afghanistan. Matty definitely has the worst deal of all. And I feel bad. I miss him so much. But thankfully he will be home *hopefully* early February and then come August, he'll be getting stationed at the Army base across the island from us- how lucky are we??
This is the first year we're going to be spending Christmas just the four of us. Jack's first Christmas Jacob's brother Jared was living with us, and last year and the year before Jacob's mom was living with us. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws dearly, but it's just not the same as having MY family here.
I have to admit, it's probably better this way. Jack's pretty edgy these days. He's been out of school for exactly a week today, and it's starting to show. I hate how changes in his schedule really mess everything up. And there's nothing we can do about it. Such is life. Tonight I'm going to sit down and make up a picture schedule for tomorrow morning to try to help Jack through the chaos. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it all. We're just crossing our fingers for no major melt-downs... I'm sure there will be some crying and screaming but if we don't have any HUGE tantrums, it will be a success. We're going to cross our fingers and hope between the picture schedule, lots of sensory, and lots of deep breaths (on my part of course!) we'll all survive :)
Merry Christmas!!
This is the first year we're going to be spending Christmas just the four of us. Jack's first Christmas Jacob's brother Jared was living with us, and last year and the year before Jacob's mom was living with us. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws dearly, but it's just not the same as having MY family here.
I have to admit, it's probably better this way. Jack's pretty edgy these days. He's been out of school for exactly a week today, and it's starting to show. I hate how changes in his schedule really mess everything up. And there's nothing we can do about it. Such is life. Tonight I'm going to sit down and make up a picture schedule for tomorrow morning to try to help Jack through the chaos. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it all. We're just crossing our fingers for no major melt-downs... I'm sure there will be some crying and screaming but if we don't have any HUGE tantrums, it will be a success. We're going to cross our fingers and hope between the picture schedule, lots of sensory, and lots of deep breaths (on my part of course!) we'll all survive :)
Merry Christmas!!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
When will they get it?
Yet another meeting at the school yesterday. Something I was dreading. Not only am I so over this I had to go by myself because there was no one to watch the munchkins so Jacob stayed home with them.
It was myself, Jack's teacher (we'll call her Mrs. M), the autism consultant, and a counselor of some sort. Right from the start I knew it was going to be rough after the counselor asking us what Jack's strengths were and Mrs. M had nothing to offer. Ummm he's been in your class for 5 months now, give us at least one strength! Really?!
We then worked our way into "problem behaviors." It took every ounce of strength I possess to not scream and/or cry at this point. It is SO hard to sit and listen to someone rag on your kid, saying that he's the "problem" in the classroom, that he doesn't know things that I know damn well he does. Each sentence was a blow to the stomach and they just kept coming. "Jackson can't/won't/doesn't do anything." Over and over and over again.
Many of Jack's "problem behaviors" in school come from them not doing their job. Many of these problems we don't have at home because we're doing what we should be doing and the expectations and the environment is appropriate. Specifically his sensory issues. We do sensory activities every 20 minutes to keep him calm cool and collected at home. No matter how many times I've told them this they're still only doing it TWICE a day. Yup, twice in SIX hours! No wonder why he can't focus and do what they want of him! I swear to you, Mrs. M actually brought up the fact that Jack has a hard time transitioning into music time... now music time is immediately after recess. So if you were running around in the sun and 80 degree weather for 30 minutes you'd probably have a hard time sitting down and singing too. I know I would! Transitions have always been a struggle for Jack. But to expect him to transition from a running/active activity to a structured sitting activity with no help whatsoever is unreasonable. Autism aside, he's THREE.
The list goes on and on and on. So many of these problems would be minimized if they would just implement and use the suggestions that myself, the autism consultant, and the occupational therapist have provided, but they don't. Why you ask? Because for one the teacher is obviously completely overwhelmed with 9 special ed kids to herself and one untrained education assistant who's been there for a month and a brand new one who started yesterday (and is only temporary, they're *hoping* to have a regular person hired by after break). It's all a complete and utter joke. I get it, I get that she's tired and overwhelmed but that's no excuse to just dismiss my child as a "problem" and refuse to try to make school work for him.
Is this really what we have to look forward to for the next 13 years? I don't know that I can do this. The whole situation is entirely unhealthy and unproductive for myself and my child.
So at this point we're waiting for 2.5 weeks until after Christmas break to do the next meeting. The most frustrating part is knowing that fall break was what started this spiral. And we're going to do it all over again, only longer, for Christmas. Chances are we will come back after break and everything will once again be different and we'll be walking deep into yet another regression and starting over at square one. UGH.
And to top it off, Jack takes his favorite blanket, Gumby, to school with him now because he refuses to nap without it. I didn't want to start doing this because I knew it would be an issue. Last Wednesday Gumby didn't make it home, got left at school, and we had to go get it quick before the school closed. Well yesterday I was at the meeting when Jack got home and Jacob apparently didn't know to check for it. It was 5 o'clock by the time I realized it was missing and Jack was HEARTBROKEN. We had a terrible, terrible, terrible night last night. All because the school just simply can't pull their act together. I understand mistakes, I truly do, but twice in less than a week? Come on now! How hard is it to put a blanket in his backpack, you take it out of there every morning, put it back where you found it dang-it! I taped a gigantic fluorescent green note to the front of Jack's communication log last night reminding them about Gumby coming home each night... There's no way they can forget now (I hope)!
On the other side of my pity party coin is the fact that this morning was the first time I've seen my husband in days basically. He began working on a project last Thursday for some of the high ups on the base creating a "booklet" on some random military crap. He got home from work at 8 Friday night, worked all afternoon Saturday, went into work Sunday night at 7 and didn't get home til 7 am Monday morning, slept for a couple hours and was back there from 11-11 yesterday (aside from the hour he was home watching the kids but that didn't really count because we basically said hello as we ran past each other to the car/house). So this booklet is like 200 pages, hand-drawn on the computer by my husband. That's not a booklet, that's a novel. Wanna know the best part? This morning one of his marines ran over a copy of it to one of the guys Jacob's making this for and guess what he said?! "This isn't at all what we wanted!" They're looking for like a 30 page document. With no pictures (we're talking hours of hunting for the images he put in that thing). So basically the project that stole my husband was a bust. And now he'll probably be at work late again tonight redoing the whole damn thing. FrUsTrAtInG (more so for Jacob obviously but I seriously hate not getting to see him for days at a time and having to do everything around the house and with the kids 100% by myself for days on end. It's so exhausting!).
Well I guess that's the end of yesterday and today's sob story. I just wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything...
It was myself, Jack's teacher (we'll call her Mrs. M), the autism consultant, and a counselor of some sort. Right from the start I knew it was going to be rough after the counselor asking us what Jack's strengths were and Mrs. M had nothing to offer. Ummm he's been in your class for 5 months now, give us at least one strength! Really?!
We then worked our way into "problem behaviors." It took every ounce of strength I possess to not scream and/or cry at this point. It is SO hard to sit and listen to someone rag on your kid, saying that he's the "problem" in the classroom, that he doesn't know things that I know damn well he does. Each sentence was a blow to the stomach and they just kept coming. "Jackson can't/won't/doesn't do anything." Over and over and over again.
Many of Jack's "problem behaviors" in school come from them not doing their job. Many of these problems we don't have at home because we're doing what we should be doing and the expectations and the environment is appropriate. Specifically his sensory issues. We do sensory activities every 20 minutes to keep him calm cool and collected at home. No matter how many times I've told them this they're still only doing it TWICE a day. Yup, twice in SIX hours! No wonder why he can't focus and do what they want of him! I swear to you, Mrs. M actually brought up the fact that Jack has a hard time transitioning into music time... now music time is immediately after recess. So if you were running around in the sun and 80 degree weather for 30 minutes you'd probably have a hard time sitting down and singing too. I know I would! Transitions have always been a struggle for Jack. But to expect him to transition from a running/active activity to a structured sitting activity with no help whatsoever is unreasonable. Autism aside, he's THREE.
The list goes on and on and on. So many of these problems would be minimized if they would just implement and use the suggestions that myself, the autism consultant, and the occupational therapist have provided, but they don't. Why you ask? Because for one the teacher is obviously completely overwhelmed with 9 special ed kids to herself and one untrained education assistant who's been there for a month and a brand new one who started yesterday (and is only temporary, they're *hoping* to have a regular person hired by after break). It's all a complete and utter joke. I get it, I get that she's tired and overwhelmed but that's no excuse to just dismiss my child as a "problem" and refuse to try to make school work for him.
Is this really what we have to look forward to for the next 13 years? I don't know that I can do this. The whole situation is entirely unhealthy and unproductive for myself and my child.
So at this point we're waiting for 2.5 weeks until after Christmas break to do the next meeting. The most frustrating part is knowing that fall break was what started this spiral. And we're going to do it all over again, only longer, for Christmas. Chances are we will come back after break and everything will once again be different and we'll be walking deep into yet another regression and starting over at square one. UGH.
And to top it off, Jack takes his favorite blanket, Gumby, to school with him now because he refuses to nap without it. I didn't want to start doing this because I knew it would be an issue. Last Wednesday Gumby didn't make it home, got left at school, and we had to go get it quick before the school closed. Well yesterday I was at the meeting when Jack got home and Jacob apparently didn't know to check for it. It was 5 o'clock by the time I realized it was missing and Jack was HEARTBROKEN. We had a terrible, terrible, terrible night last night. All because the school just simply can't pull their act together. I understand mistakes, I truly do, but twice in less than a week? Come on now! How hard is it to put a blanket in his backpack, you take it out of there every morning, put it back where you found it dang-it! I taped a gigantic fluorescent green note to the front of Jack's communication log last night reminding them about Gumby coming home each night... There's no way they can forget now (I hope)!
On the other side of my pity party coin is the fact that this morning was the first time I've seen my husband in days basically. He began working on a project last Thursday for some of the high ups on the base creating a "booklet" on some random military crap. He got home from work at 8 Friday night, worked all afternoon Saturday, went into work Sunday night at 7 and didn't get home til 7 am Monday morning, slept for a couple hours and was back there from 11-11 yesterday (aside from the hour he was home watching the kids but that didn't really count because we basically said hello as we ran past each other to the car/house). So this booklet is like 200 pages, hand-drawn on the computer by my husband. That's not a booklet, that's a novel. Wanna know the best part? This morning one of his marines ran over a copy of it to one of the guys Jacob's making this for and guess what he said?! "This isn't at all what we wanted!" They're looking for like a 30 page document. With no pictures (we're talking hours of hunting for the images he put in that thing). So basically the project that stole my husband was a bust. And now he'll probably be at work late again tonight redoing the whole damn thing. FrUsTrAtInG (more so for Jacob obviously but I seriously hate not getting to see him for days at a time and having to do everything around the house and with the kids 100% by myself for days on end. It's so exhausting!).
Well I guess that's the end of yesterday and today's sob story. I just wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
What if I just can't do this?
I'm so tired. So tired. Complete and utter exhaustion. My house is a wreck (which is so much worse than usual with chaos amidst Christmas decorations). And this weekend has been terrible. Can I get a break? Just for awhile?
We've been really slacking on a lot of things we had once been so good at. We rarely sit down and eat meals together since Jacob's work schedule is so insane. When we were at Jack's meeting Friday they asked what his eating habits were at home... Insert complete embarrassment. With things being so nuts I really just let him pick whatever he wants and if he refuses to sit at the table I don't push it. It's just not worth the battles these days. And with him being so insanely picky these days I'm really just glad he's eating. Well, this is probably NOT helping the issue of eating lunch at school. My bad. Three year olds just don't understand that things aren't always the same at home and school. So being able to eat whatever, whenever at home is really (more than likely) making lunch time a horrible task for him at school. Ugh. Now we must start regulating home eating yet again. Something we should do anyway, after all, it is the right thing to do. But it's hard... And I just don't want to do it gosh darn it!
We used to take the boys out on at least one outing per weekend. We really haven't been able to do it lately because Jacob's schedule is INSANE and after last weekend's incident I definitely am not doing it myself. But we should, neither of the boys are going to learn to control themselves in public if they never are. Liam's excellent, but it's because I take him out with me whenever I run errands during the week while Jack's at school. But when the boys get together it's just chaos. Yesterday we tried to take the boys to the Christmas parade in the town next to us. We of course got going late (I was surprisingly on the ball and had everything ready to go and in the car LONG before we left, but a certain someone wouldn't get off the couch and get in the dang shower). I figured we should be close to the start of the parade route because we wouldn't be able to stay for the whole thing because we had a meeting with Jack's in home BCBA an hour and a half after the parade started. Well it was PACKED down by the start. We found a spot behind a woman and her child. Perfect! The boys could be situated so they could see. Well the parade started and up came five adults to sit with that woman and child. Annoying. No one could really see anything. And then Jacob was holding Jack up so he could watch and Jack peed EVERYWHERE! All over himself and Jacob. So we had to leave. Bring on major meltdowns by both children. We dragged two screaming kids back to the car, peeled Jack's soaked pants and pull up off and put on a new one. I of course in my infinite wisdom didn't bring extra pants with us so Jack freaked out about not having pants. He found an empty matchbox package in the back of the car and was screaming about wanting the cars on the back of the package (why do manufacturers do this??). We then had a long drive home through major traffic and detours with Jack screaming in the backseat and Liam yelling at him to stop screaming. Epic Mommy fail. And of course the meeting we had to come home for never even happened. Why can't I get a break?!?
The boys have been up off and on all night for the last two nights. A solid night sleep is really the only thing that gets me through the day. I'm running on empty.
And none of the things we wanted to get done yesterday got done. Absolutely nothing. Yup, this is me in major pouting mode.
I refused to go to church this morning. Jacob took both boys with him and went anyway. I should be either cleaning or napping. But I don't want to do either. I've wasted over an hour just staring at the computer screen. I'm going to regret this.
It's just so hard to do anything when you feel empty inside.
We've been really slacking on a lot of things we had once been so good at. We rarely sit down and eat meals together since Jacob's work schedule is so insane. When we were at Jack's meeting Friday they asked what his eating habits were at home... Insert complete embarrassment. With things being so nuts I really just let him pick whatever he wants and if he refuses to sit at the table I don't push it. It's just not worth the battles these days. And with him being so insanely picky these days I'm really just glad he's eating. Well, this is probably NOT helping the issue of eating lunch at school. My bad. Three year olds just don't understand that things aren't always the same at home and school. So being able to eat whatever, whenever at home is really (more than likely) making lunch time a horrible task for him at school. Ugh. Now we must start regulating home eating yet again. Something we should do anyway, after all, it is the right thing to do. But it's hard... And I just don't want to do it gosh darn it!
We used to take the boys out on at least one outing per weekend. We really haven't been able to do it lately because Jacob's schedule is INSANE and after last weekend's incident I definitely am not doing it myself. But we should, neither of the boys are going to learn to control themselves in public if they never are. Liam's excellent, but it's because I take him out with me whenever I run errands during the week while Jack's at school. But when the boys get together it's just chaos. Yesterday we tried to take the boys to the Christmas parade in the town next to us. We of course got going late (I was surprisingly on the ball and had everything ready to go and in the car LONG before we left, but a certain someone wouldn't get off the couch and get in the dang shower). I figured we should be close to the start of the parade route because we wouldn't be able to stay for the whole thing because we had a meeting with Jack's in home BCBA an hour and a half after the parade started. Well it was PACKED down by the start. We found a spot behind a woman and her child. Perfect! The boys could be situated so they could see. Well the parade started and up came five adults to sit with that woman and child. Annoying. No one could really see anything. And then Jacob was holding Jack up so he could watch and Jack peed EVERYWHERE! All over himself and Jacob. So we had to leave. Bring on major meltdowns by both children. We dragged two screaming kids back to the car, peeled Jack's soaked pants and pull up off and put on a new one. I of course in my infinite wisdom didn't bring extra pants with us so Jack freaked out about not having pants. He found an empty matchbox package in the back of the car and was screaming about wanting the cars on the back of the package (why do manufacturers do this??). We then had a long drive home through major traffic and detours with Jack screaming in the backseat and Liam yelling at him to stop screaming. Epic Mommy fail. And of course the meeting we had to come home for never even happened. Why can't I get a break?!?
The boys have been up off and on all night for the last two nights. A solid night sleep is really the only thing that gets me through the day. I'm running on empty.
And none of the things we wanted to get done yesterday got done. Absolutely nothing. Yup, this is me in major pouting mode.
I refused to go to church this morning. Jacob took both boys with him and went anyway. I should be either cleaning or napping. But I don't want to do either. I've wasted over an hour just staring at the computer screen. I'm going to regret this.
It's just so hard to do anything when you feel empty inside.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Riding the wave...
I'm just not sure "where I am" anymore... I sincerely feel as though I'm in the middle of the ocean. Just riding the waves. Sometimes they consume me. Sometimes I stay afloat. Nothing lasts very long. Just up and down, up and down.
Stuff with Jack's school isn't going well. I really thought after our meeting things would get better but they still aren't doing the things they need to. I really just don't think they have the capabilities to do what he needs. But they really don't want to give him a one-to-one tutor. Looks like this is going to be the battle I thought it would be after all. They want to push back his meeting but I'm trying not to let that happen. We're going on two months of regression here, I don't have another week to spare...
Yesterday I had to run to the exchange and the commissary. Jacob was working so I decided I would take both kids, by myself. Something I never do. It's just so incredibly hard when you have a child who is completely and utterly unpredictable. We raced through both stores and things were going great! I was so excited, maybe I can do this! Maybe I can start taking both kids by myself, like a "typical" parent... But when we went to leave the commissary we had to exchange the car cart (a cart with a little car attached to the front) for a regular cart because you can't take them out of the store. I had Liam directly in front of me "helping" me push the cart and Jack was along side of it holding on, just as he's supposed to. We walked out the first door and Jackson sprinted. Of course right into the parking lot. Can you say heart attack? I stopped the cart and told Liam to stay right there (probably not the smartest thing, but in the moment I didn't know what else to do and Liam listens incredibly well). I ran as fast as I could to grab Jack before he made it into the main body of the parking lot. Thankfully I caught him. Thankfully he didn't get hit by a car! Ugh! He of course didn't understand that he had done anything wrong at all. Sometimes little things in life can be so incredibly hard when you're dealing with Autism... So much for being able to take both kids by myself. It will be a long time before I dare to do that again.
I've been having some incredibly weird dreams lately. The most recent one was that the Joker (yes, the joker from batman) was crashing airplanes. First one crashed just outside the back gate to our base. Then I had to go somewhere and was seated on an airplane when he strode on. All the passengers (including myself) were ranting and raving about how he couldn't be on the plane but no one was doing anything. He stayed on the plane as we got ready to take off. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking so hard I felt as though I was having a seizure. Strange dream... But I feel like it kind of represents where my life is right now. I feel like I'm on a plane that everyone knows is coming down... But no matter how much I know that I don't get off the plane... Why don't I just get off the plane? So many of the things in my personal (meaning my own, not with my family) struggles are things that I could just walk away from, things that I could change. But I choose to sit here and wallow. Sometimes when you're down in the bottom of a deep, dark pit it's hard to fight to find a way out. Sometimes I just want to lay down. Sometimes I just don't want to fight...
Last night we went to Vespers at church. I was one of the first to walk out of the church and into the entry way. There was a woman standing there who I've seen many times before. She has a grown son with Autism. I know this but I've never actually spoken to her. So we began talking, I asked her how her thanksgiving was, she then talked about her son and said that he has Autism. I told her my son does too. She then went on to ask questions like "Does he talk?" Jack was non-verbal when he was diagnosed at age 2 but we've come incredibly far and now he has quite an extensive vocabulary... The progress we've made is really remarkable. Jack does have Autism, he really does. But people seem to doubt me, as if I'm lying about it. Sometimes it feels like Jack isn't "autistic enough" to actually be autistic. Autism is a disorder that has a wide range of symptoms. Some people are severely Autistic and others very mildly. When Jack was diagnosed he was right at about a 1/3 of the way across the scale. Right in the middle of mild-moderate. I don't know where he would fall anymore... He has come a long way. Many of the things we struggle with are things that people wouldn't know or see if they weren't trained. And so consequently sometimes it feels like people don't believe me. He just looks like an unruly child, and I a bad parent. Sometimes my mind wanders in strange ways, maybe Jack ISN'T Autistic, maybe I AM just a bad mother... I know deep down this isn't true. I've put my blood, sweat, and tears into getting Jack where he is today. But sometimes I can't help but just feel awful about everything...
All in all the conversation was incredibly awkward with the woman from church. Which is exactly why I don't do support groups or any thing else like that. I don't want to sit and compare my child with others. I don't want other people judging me or my child. I guess the plan is just to continue to plug away at this beast we call Autism and hope that someday we won't have to... Someday things will be different...
Stuff with Jack's school isn't going well. I really thought after our meeting things would get better but they still aren't doing the things they need to. I really just don't think they have the capabilities to do what he needs. But they really don't want to give him a one-to-one tutor. Looks like this is going to be the battle I thought it would be after all. They want to push back his meeting but I'm trying not to let that happen. We're going on two months of regression here, I don't have another week to spare...
Yesterday I had to run to the exchange and the commissary. Jacob was working so I decided I would take both kids, by myself. Something I never do. It's just so incredibly hard when you have a child who is completely and utterly unpredictable. We raced through both stores and things were going great! I was so excited, maybe I can do this! Maybe I can start taking both kids by myself, like a "typical" parent... But when we went to leave the commissary we had to exchange the car cart (a cart with a little car attached to the front) for a regular cart because you can't take them out of the store. I had Liam directly in front of me "helping" me push the cart and Jack was along side of it holding on, just as he's supposed to. We walked out the first door and Jackson sprinted. Of course right into the parking lot. Can you say heart attack? I stopped the cart and told Liam to stay right there (probably not the smartest thing, but in the moment I didn't know what else to do and Liam listens incredibly well). I ran as fast as I could to grab Jack before he made it into the main body of the parking lot. Thankfully I caught him. Thankfully he didn't get hit by a car! Ugh! He of course didn't understand that he had done anything wrong at all. Sometimes little things in life can be so incredibly hard when you're dealing with Autism... So much for being able to take both kids by myself. It will be a long time before I dare to do that again.
I've been having some incredibly weird dreams lately. The most recent one was that the Joker (yes, the joker from batman) was crashing airplanes. First one crashed just outside the back gate to our base. Then I had to go somewhere and was seated on an airplane when he strode on. All the passengers (including myself) were ranting and raving about how he couldn't be on the plane but no one was doing anything. He stayed on the plane as we got ready to take off. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking so hard I felt as though I was having a seizure. Strange dream... But I feel like it kind of represents where my life is right now. I feel like I'm on a plane that everyone knows is coming down... But no matter how much I know that I don't get off the plane... Why don't I just get off the plane? So many of the things in my personal (meaning my own, not with my family) struggles are things that I could just walk away from, things that I could change. But I choose to sit here and wallow. Sometimes when you're down in the bottom of a deep, dark pit it's hard to fight to find a way out. Sometimes I just want to lay down. Sometimes I just don't want to fight...
Last night we went to Vespers at church. I was one of the first to walk out of the church and into the entry way. There was a woman standing there who I've seen many times before. She has a grown son with Autism. I know this but I've never actually spoken to her. So we began talking, I asked her how her thanksgiving was, she then talked about her son and said that he has Autism. I told her my son does too. She then went on to ask questions like "Does he talk?" Jack was non-verbal when he was diagnosed at age 2 but we've come incredibly far and now he has quite an extensive vocabulary... The progress we've made is really remarkable. Jack does have Autism, he really does. But people seem to doubt me, as if I'm lying about it. Sometimes it feels like Jack isn't "autistic enough" to actually be autistic. Autism is a disorder that has a wide range of symptoms. Some people are severely Autistic and others very mildly. When Jack was diagnosed he was right at about a 1/3 of the way across the scale. Right in the middle of mild-moderate. I don't know where he would fall anymore... He has come a long way. Many of the things we struggle with are things that people wouldn't know or see if they weren't trained. And so consequently sometimes it feels like people don't believe me. He just looks like an unruly child, and I a bad parent. Sometimes my mind wanders in strange ways, maybe Jack ISN'T Autistic, maybe I AM just a bad mother... I know deep down this isn't true. I've put my blood, sweat, and tears into getting Jack where he is today. But sometimes I can't help but just feel awful about everything...
All in all the conversation was incredibly awkward with the woman from church. Which is exactly why I don't do support groups or any thing else like that. I don't want to sit and compare my child with others. I don't want other people judging me or my child. I guess the plan is just to continue to plug away at this beast we call Autism and hope that someday we won't have to... Someday things will be different...
Saturday, November 20, 2010
The Grace of God
Yesterday was "the big day." Our meeting with Jack's school. We've had so many problems recently and I've watched my son slowly slip back into what he once was... Just a shell of a beautiful boy whom I love so deeply. The hardest part of Autism is the regressions- don't get me wrong, there are many other difficult things we encounter, some even on a daily basis, but it's so hard to watch him slide backwards. To lose skills, words, behaviors that he once had. To watch all of our hard work slowly slip out from between your fingers. Now I do not believe that I am entirely without fault in this, but I truly feel that the brunt of this regression is on his school. The things they are doing and aren't doing and unraveling our lives. It's so frustrating to watch these people who are trained to deal with these things choosing to deal with them incorrectly or even not at all. No matter how hard we fight, no matter what we do, we cannot undo the damage if it is still occurring...
I had been so incredibly nervous for this meeting. Jack's teacher really seems to hate me, I have no idea why, I've never been anything but polite and courteous to her. I know that it must be horrible having parents constantly bombarding you for answers, details, any bits of anything we can take away from his day there but these are absolutely necessary to us rectifying the regression that is taking place. I am his mother, I NEED to know what is going on! She says unkind things, pushes my buttons, offends me, and doesn't want to do the things I'm asking of her. It's so hard to see someone seemingly "not care" about my child's well-being. But what really gets me is what appears to be her utter disdain for my desire to fix things. I know what my child is capable of. I know what he needs. Why can't we just work together to fix this?
I kept Jack home from school yesterday so we could just have a calm day around the house together. The boys were watching some cartoons and I was folding laundry when Jack looked up at me and said that he wanted to listen to "rock and roll." We only listen to Christian music in our home (except a couple secular bands that I occasionally listen to) so I turned on last.fm on the Xbox and changed it to a Casting Crowns station. The second song that came on was "Revelation" by Third Day, one of my favorite songs ever. Jack came over to me, stretched his arms out, and said "up please." When I picked him up he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder and we danced around our living room for what felt like an eternity. There is no doubt in my mind that that moment, that dance, that song was a gift from God. A sign. Showing me that I CAN do this. We can do this. And by the grace of God we will. He will strengthen us and carry us when we can't seem to do it on our own. As the tears streamed down my face I felt peace like I haven't felt in forever... And that was exactly what I needed to get me through yesterday's meeting. What an incredible blessing!
We will get through this... We can do this... With God all things are possible!
I had been so incredibly nervous for this meeting. Jack's teacher really seems to hate me, I have no idea why, I've never been anything but polite and courteous to her. I know that it must be horrible having parents constantly bombarding you for answers, details, any bits of anything we can take away from his day there but these are absolutely necessary to us rectifying the regression that is taking place. I am his mother, I NEED to know what is going on! She says unkind things, pushes my buttons, offends me, and doesn't want to do the things I'm asking of her. It's so hard to see someone seemingly "not care" about my child's well-being. But what really gets me is what appears to be her utter disdain for my desire to fix things. I know what my child is capable of. I know what he needs. Why can't we just work together to fix this?
I kept Jack home from school yesterday so we could just have a calm day around the house together. The boys were watching some cartoons and I was folding laundry when Jack looked up at me and said that he wanted to listen to "rock and roll." We only listen to Christian music in our home (except a couple secular bands that I occasionally listen to) so I turned on last.fm on the Xbox and changed it to a Casting Crowns station. The second song that came on was "Revelation" by Third Day, one of my favorite songs ever. Jack came over to me, stretched his arms out, and said "up please." When I picked him up he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder and we danced around our living room for what felt like an eternity. There is no doubt in my mind that that moment, that dance, that song was a gift from God. A sign. Showing me that I CAN do this. We can do this. And by the grace of God we will. He will strengthen us and carry us when we can't seem to do it on our own. As the tears streamed down my face I felt peace like I haven't felt in forever... And that was exactly what I needed to get me through yesterday's meeting. What an incredible blessing!
We will get through this... We can do this... With God all things are possible!
Monday, October 18, 2010
What's the point?
Life is chaos here right now... lots going on and my parents are arriving for 10 days on Tuesday. But quite frankly I don't really feel like talking about any of those things because it just forces me to think of all the things I should probably be doing rather than laying in bed blogging.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about photography this weekend. I took a great class on PhotoShop from the guy I'm taking the photography classes from. Honestly, I knew a lot of the information covered already but it was nice to really refine and fully understand what each tool does and what it's truly capable of. I sincerely wish I could have a couple days to just sit at my desk and retouch and edit photos. After all I have nearly 20,000 images on my computer. But alas we have an insanely busy couple of weeks coming up and I can't. Maybe someday.
I realized several things over the weekend. For one, if I truly want photography to become my hobby, I need to embracee it. There is so much more I could be doing than occasionally taking photos, putting them on the computer, and then (sometimes) uploading them to facebook. What's the point? Photography is preserving a moment and capturing the feeling/mood/essence of a period of time. I haven't gotten photos printed (for myself, I frequently enough get photos printed to send to others) in... ummm... probably 6 months? Sad really. Especially because I created a scrapbook for Jacob for Valentines day last year and absolutely fell in love with scrapbooking. So why would a photographer who loves scrapbooking not embrace it?
I get so caught up in Jack's therapy, trying to get Liam enough attention so that he doesn't feel unloved and ignored (which is something many families with an autistic child struggle with), and trying to help Jacob with his military stuff and also managing his tattoo business that I forget to do anything for myself. I feel so guilty when I even think about doing something for me much less doing something that costs money (I actually had an incredibly difficult time Friday morning buying myself 3 t-shirts that I found on clearance on Target for $2.38 a piece, that's insane right?!). I'm coming to a point in life that I need to do something for myself. I need to spend time without one kid on my hip and the other attached to my leg. I need embrace my hobby. I need to do something before I once and for all lose my identity.
So I'm going to start spending time for me. I'm going to start getting my photos actually edited (which chances are won't be much. I truly feel it's cheating to take a photo and turn around and alter the heck out of it on the computer.), get good quality images printed (now that I know a fantastic photo lab that happens to be owned by Jerry, my photography teacher), and scrapbook the heck out of them. Chances are someday we won't be living in exciting places and doing fun things all the time with the kids. Eventually Jacob will get out of the military and we will move to some small town in the Midwest and live a "boring" (I don't really think it's boring... I actually can't wait!) life like most of America and I want my kids to have something to remember this all by. They're so young now chances are they won't remember any of this- I certainly don't remember anything from before I was at least 7 and even then those memories are pretty patchy and I think many of them are just things I remember from photographs. We went to the aquarium last weekend and the boys LOVED it. I'm totally going to take the photos I took and make them a book out of them. How neat would it be for them to have books that they are the stars of?!
But unfortunately it's going to be a few weeks before I can get a chance to do this stuff. But I will gosh darn it when things settle down. And come this Thursday when I leave for class (which is the start of the second photography class which I am SUPER excited about) I'm not going to feel guilty. I deserve one night a week. And quite frankly my kids deserve some time with just their dad! One step at a time...
On a lighter note we had a pretty funny but horribly embarrassing moment happen today at church. We took the boys to the Orthodox church for the first time in a long time. Something we have been saying we were going to do for quite awhile but chicken out each week. Jack did SO well. He whispered most of the time and when he got loud he listened when we told him to quiet down. Liam did pretty well too. Jacob had both boys in the church (I was standing out in the entry way where we had all been moments before) and the boys were wandering around when Liam suddenly made an abrupt turn and ran into the Sanctuary behind the Iconastas which is somewhere ONLY the Priests and Deacons are allowed to go. Jacob quickly ran over to the side and was whispering as forcefully as he could for Liam to come back when Liam ran out through front doors (which represent the gates of Heaven). Now those doors are only open at certain times and even the Priest is only allowed to exit through them at certain points where they are in their whole Priestly garb. Thankfully it was communion time and no one saw him! I about had a heart attack when I heard what happened. Oh Liam! Other than that church went really well- much, much better than I anticipated. Jack even did his attempt at the sign of the cross and kissed the Icons like he's supposed to!! I am so relieved and excited to get to start attending it every Sunday.
Well I've managed to stay up well past bedtime for about the fourth day in a row now. I have so much cleaning to do in the next 36 hours. If only I could dream about cleaning and my house would magically clean itself!
I'm going to end tonight with the one image I managed to edit last night after the boys went to bed. It's one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. This is most definitely going to be one of the first images I get printed :)
I've spent a lot of time thinking about photography this weekend. I took a great class on PhotoShop from the guy I'm taking the photography classes from. Honestly, I knew a lot of the information covered already but it was nice to really refine and fully understand what each tool does and what it's truly capable of. I sincerely wish I could have a couple days to just sit at my desk and retouch and edit photos. After all I have nearly 20,000 images on my computer. But alas we have an insanely busy couple of weeks coming up and I can't. Maybe someday.
I realized several things over the weekend. For one, if I truly want photography to become my hobby, I need to embracee it. There is so much more I could be doing than occasionally taking photos, putting them on the computer, and then (sometimes) uploading them to facebook. What's the point? Photography is preserving a moment and capturing the feeling/mood/essence of a period of time. I haven't gotten photos printed (for myself, I frequently enough get photos printed to send to others) in... ummm... probably 6 months? Sad really. Especially because I created a scrapbook for Jacob for Valentines day last year and absolutely fell in love with scrapbooking. So why would a photographer who loves scrapbooking not embrace it?
I get so caught up in Jack's therapy, trying to get Liam enough attention so that he doesn't feel unloved and ignored (which is something many families with an autistic child struggle with), and trying to help Jacob with his military stuff and also managing his tattoo business that I forget to do anything for myself. I feel so guilty when I even think about doing something for me much less doing something that costs money (I actually had an incredibly difficult time Friday morning buying myself 3 t-shirts that I found on clearance on Target for $2.38 a piece, that's insane right?!). I'm coming to a point in life that I need to do something for myself. I need to spend time without one kid on my hip and the other attached to my leg. I need embrace my hobby. I need to do something before I once and for all lose my identity.
So I'm going to start spending time for me. I'm going to start getting my photos actually edited (which chances are won't be much. I truly feel it's cheating to take a photo and turn around and alter the heck out of it on the computer.), get good quality images printed (now that I know a fantastic photo lab that happens to be owned by Jerry, my photography teacher), and scrapbook the heck out of them. Chances are someday we won't be living in exciting places and doing fun things all the time with the kids. Eventually Jacob will get out of the military and we will move to some small town in the Midwest and live a "boring" (I don't really think it's boring... I actually can't wait!) life like most of America and I want my kids to have something to remember this all by. They're so young now chances are they won't remember any of this- I certainly don't remember anything from before I was at least 7 and even then those memories are pretty patchy and I think many of them are just things I remember from photographs. We went to the aquarium last weekend and the boys LOVED it. I'm totally going to take the photos I took and make them a book out of them. How neat would it be for them to have books that they are the stars of?!
But unfortunately it's going to be a few weeks before I can get a chance to do this stuff. But I will gosh darn it when things settle down. And come this Thursday when I leave for class (which is the start of the second photography class which I am SUPER excited about) I'm not going to feel guilty. I deserve one night a week. And quite frankly my kids deserve some time with just their dad! One step at a time...
On a lighter note we had a pretty funny but horribly embarrassing moment happen today at church. We took the boys to the Orthodox church for the first time in a long time. Something we have been saying we were going to do for quite awhile but chicken out each week. Jack did SO well. He whispered most of the time and when he got loud he listened when we told him to quiet down. Liam did pretty well too. Jacob had both boys in the church (I was standing out in the entry way where we had all been moments before) and the boys were wandering around when Liam suddenly made an abrupt turn and ran into the Sanctuary behind the Iconastas which is somewhere ONLY the Priests and Deacons are allowed to go. Jacob quickly ran over to the side and was whispering as forcefully as he could for Liam to come back when Liam ran out through front doors (which represent the gates of Heaven). Now those doors are only open at certain times and even the Priest is only allowed to exit through them at certain points where they are in their whole Priestly garb. Thankfully it was communion time and no one saw him! I about had a heart attack when I heard what happened. Oh Liam! Other than that church went really well- much, much better than I anticipated. Jack even did his attempt at the sign of the cross and kissed the Icons like he's supposed to!! I am so relieved and excited to get to start attending it every Sunday.
Well I've managed to stay up well past bedtime for about the fourth day in a row now. I have so much cleaning to do in the next 36 hours. If only I could dream about cleaning and my house would magically clean itself!
I'm going to end tonight with the one image I managed to edit last night after the boys went to bed. It's one of my favorite pictures I've ever taken. This is most definitely going to be one of the first images I get printed :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Defeated
"It's a little like living on an island all day with these weird rules that don't apply to other people. You know, thinking all the time, 'Is this going to set him off? What's that noise? Should I drive home a different way to avoid the barking dog?' Always that pressure, always so much... And it feels like you can't breathe sometimes..."
That quote is from last night's episode of Parenthood. The only show I've ever seen that pretty accurately represents Autism spectrum disorders. I quoted it from a woman at a support group on the show speaking about life with her son with Asperger's. It hit me. Hard. Sometimes I float through life pretending that maybe Jack doesn't have autism... maybe he's just a little different. Doctors misdiagnose things... But sometimes it really hits me that my son has Autism. Like tonight.
Every Wednesday night we attend a bible study at a Baptist church we've been attending for awhile. The boys go to a 2 & 3 year old bible group and we get to head upstairs, childless, to enjoy some fellowship and the word of God. I looked forward to it all day. Today was rough on so many fronts. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend some time in the company of adults. We dropped the boys off, they both eagerly ran in and hunkered down with some toys. No goodbyes, nothing. Just two excited, "normal" little boys, happy as could be. We got upstairs, visited for a few minutes, and the session began. We sang the opening hymn and prayed our opening prayer, sat down, and BAM. There was Jack with one of the teachers. He wouldn't stop screaming, refused to listen to anything they said, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the second I scooped him up he was perfectly fine. We played games on my phone for a bit. He asked to go to the bathroom so we got up and went. Once in the restroom he refused to go (he never seems to have to go when we get in any bathroom except our downstairs bathroom at our house). I went to the bathroom and without thinking flushed the toilet. He dropped to his knees covering his ears and began to cry. Ahh yes, public restrooms = loud flushing. Quick trip to meltdown ville. Thankfully I picked him up and he was easily redirected with playing with the water as I washed my hands and we headed back into the bible study. He played games on my phone for the rest of the time until we were finished. Needless to say, I learned more about the scooby doo puzzle on my phone tonight than God. *Sigh* Just as I needed it the most...
That quote is from last night's episode of Parenthood. The only show I've ever seen that pretty accurately represents Autism spectrum disorders. I quoted it from a woman at a support group on the show speaking about life with her son with Asperger's. It hit me. Hard. Sometimes I float through life pretending that maybe Jack doesn't have autism... maybe he's just a little different. Doctors misdiagnose things... But sometimes it really hits me that my son has Autism. Like tonight.
Every Wednesday night we attend a bible study at a Baptist church we've been attending for awhile. The boys go to a 2 & 3 year old bible group and we get to head upstairs, childless, to enjoy some fellowship and the word of God. I looked forward to it all day. Today was rough on so many fronts. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend some time in the company of adults. We dropped the boys off, they both eagerly ran in and hunkered down with some toys. No goodbyes, nothing. Just two excited, "normal" little boys, happy as could be. We got upstairs, visited for a few minutes, and the session began. We sang the opening hymn and prayed our opening prayer, sat down, and BAM. There was Jack with one of the teachers. He wouldn't stop screaming, refused to listen to anything they said, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the second I scooped him up he was perfectly fine. We played games on my phone for a bit. He asked to go to the bathroom so we got up and went. Once in the restroom he refused to go (he never seems to have to go when we get in any bathroom except our downstairs bathroom at our house). I went to the bathroom and without thinking flushed the toilet. He dropped to his knees covering his ears and began to cry. Ahh yes, public restrooms = loud flushing. Quick trip to meltdown ville. Thankfully I picked him up and he was easily redirected with playing with the water as I washed my hands and we headed back into the bible study. He played games on my phone for the rest of the time until we were finished. Needless to say, I learned more about the scooby doo puzzle on my phone tonight than God. *Sigh* Just as I needed it the most...
Monday, October 11, 2010
Getting back on the horse...
Back in May & June my family and I went super healthy. We're talking no gluten (wheat, oats, barley, or rye), no casein (milk products), no preservatives, no artificial flavorings, no food coloring. It was insanely difficult but we all got super healthy. We ate 90% fruits and veggies. It was wonderful. Jacob and I both lost a ton of weight and have honestly never felt better. The reason why we did it was because children with Autism sometimes improve on a GF/CF (gluten/casein free) diet. Everyone was incredibly skeptical that it would make a difference. Our behavioral consultant at the time said she had seen at least 50 families try it and only saw improvement in 3 at best. Tough news to hear when you're about to embark on a difficult and expensive journey but we figured it was worth a shot. And it worked. After about a month on the diet she looked at me and said "I can hardly believe it, but I think it's working." The tantrums subsided and his attention span improved drastically. But somehow we still fell off the bandwagon. It sounds terrible. How could we quit doing something that was improving everyone's lives so drastically? But it was incredibly expensive and at the time we were really struggling with our finances. And it was so much work. I was having to drive across the island to get the things I needed which meant if I was missing 1 ingredient to a meal we were out of luck. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am NOT an organized person at all. So it was tough. And I failed. After a couple months of doing so well it all fell apart. Quite frankly I don't even know what specifically happened. It was a slow fade... "Oh we'll get McDonald's just this once... what will it hurt?" turned into "Oh we can eat Hamburger Helper once in awhile" and soon became just eating trash all over again.
But we're going to try it again. We're not going to go as crazy as last time. We're going to do no preservatives, artificial anything, and as much organic as we possibly can. I'm really excited to get healthy again. I feel so sluggish and tired these days it's insane. Plus I've probably packed on another 15 pounds yet again. Now that my foot will (hopefully) soon be all better it's about time to try to get back on track. Eating right and exercising! So come Thursday when we get paid again I will be off to do a great big shopping excursion, stocking up on all the healthy alternatives to the crap we've been buying the last few months. Which means I've only got a few days to dig out and dust off all my old recipes and start making lists. I'm nervous but very excited!!
On another note, Jacob and I have decided to finally take the step to try to become catechumens in the Orthodox Church. We've been looking into Orthodoxy for over two years now and have yet to take the plunge. But I feel ready. We've finally found a church we feel like we can call home and fit in at. Our only real problem at this point is our boys. Two and three year olds don't hold up well in quiet church settings- at least not ours. But we're working on making them coloring books made of Icons (Icons are images of Christ and other important people in the church that are a super big part of Orthodoxy) and coming up with other appropriate activities for them to do in a church setting. So that's another big thing on our to-do list this week. We're hoping to try again this Sunday. It's been several months since we last tried bringing them to Liturgy so maybe this will be the time we have success!! As for Jacob and I, we have been attending catechumen classes at the church for a few weeks now although we aren't yet catechumens. We're hoping to speak with Father Paul tomorrow evening after class to see what we need to do to cement ourselves on the path to become catechumens. I'm very excited to finally be moving in the right direction.
Well I'm going to end with a video of a song I heard while I was typing this up tonight. This song really spoke to my heart. Definitely going to be picking up her CD on iTunes!!
But we're going to try it again. We're not going to go as crazy as last time. We're going to do no preservatives, artificial anything, and as much organic as we possibly can. I'm really excited to get healthy again. I feel so sluggish and tired these days it's insane. Plus I've probably packed on another 15 pounds yet again. Now that my foot will (hopefully) soon be all better it's about time to try to get back on track. Eating right and exercising! So come Thursday when we get paid again I will be off to do a great big shopping excursion, stocking up on all the healthy alternatives to the crap we've been buying the last few months. Which means I've only got a few days to dig out and dust off all my old recipes and start making lists. I'm nervous but very excited!!
On another note, Jacob and I have decided to finally take the step to try to become catechumens in the Orthodox Church. We've been looking into Orthodoxy for over two years now and have yet to take the plunge. But I feel ready. We've finally found a church we feel like we can call home and fit in at. Our only real problem at this point is our boys. Two and three year olds don't hold up well in quiet church settings- at least not ours. But we're working on making them coloring books made of Icons (Icons are images of Christ and other important people in the church that are a super big part of Orthodoxy) and coming up with other appropriate activities for them to do in a church setting. So that's another big thing on our to-do list this week. We're hoping to try again this Sunday. It's been several months since we last tried bringing them to Liturgy so maybe this will be the time we have success!! As for Jacob and I, we have been attending catechumen classes at the church for a few weeks now although we aren't yet catechumens. We're hoping to speak with Father Paul tomorrow evening after class to see what we need to do to cement ourselves on the path to become catechumens. I'm very excited to finally be moving in the right direction.
Well I'm going to end with a video of a song I heard while I was typing this up tonight. This song really spoke to my heart. Definitely going to be picking up her CD on iTunes!!
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