The Grace of God

Yesterday was "the big day." Our meeting with Jack's school. We've had so many problems recently and I've watched my son slowly slip back into what he once was... Just a shell of a beautiful boy whom I love so deeply. The hardest part of Autism is the regressions- don't get me wrong, there are many other difficult things we encounter, some even on a daily basis, but it's so hard to watch him slide backwards. To lose skills, words, behaviors that he once had. To watch all of our hard work slowly slip out from between your fingers. Now I do not believe that I am entirely without fault in this, but I truly feel that the brunt of this regression is on his school. The things they are doing and aren't doing and unraveling our lives. It's so frustrating to watch these people who are trained to deal with these things choosing to deal with them incorrectly or even not at all. No matter how hard we fight, no matter what we do, we cannot undo the damage if it is still occurring...
I had been so incredibly nervous for this meeting. Jack's teacher really seems to hate me, I have no idea why, I've never been anything but polite and courteous to her. I know that it must be horrible having parents constantly bombarding you for answers, details, any bits of anything we can take away from his day there but these are absolutely necessary to us rectifying the regression that is taking place. I am his mother, I NEED to know what is going on! She says unkind things, pushes my buttons, offends me, and doesn't want to do the things I'm asking of her. It's so hard to see someone seemingly "not care" about my child's well-being. But what really gets me is what appears to be her utter disdain for my desire to fix things. I know what my child is capable of. I know what he needs. Why can't we just work together to fix this?
I kept Jack home from school yesterday so we could just have a calm day around the house together. The boys were watching some cartoons and I was folding laundry when Jack looked up at me and said that he wanted to listen to "rock and roll." We only listen to Christian music in our home (except a couple secular bands that I occasionally listen to) so I turned on last.fm on the Xbox and changed it to a Casting Crowns station. The second song that came on was "Revelation" by Third Day, one of my favorite songs ever. Jack came over to me, stretched his arms out, and said "up please." When I picked him up he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder and we danced around our living room for what felt like an eternity. There is no doubt in my mind that that moment, that dance, that song was a gift from God.  A sign. Showing me that I CAN do this. We can do this. And by the grace of God we will. He will strengthen us and carry us when we can't seem to do it on our own. As the tears streamed down my face I felt peace like I haven't felt in forever... And that was exactly what I needed to get me through yesterday's meeting. What an incredible blessing! 
We will get through this... We can do this... With God all things are possible! 

East to West

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness 
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

This song from Casting Crowns is one of my all time favorites, it's actually one of the first Christian songs I fell in love with after I rediscovered Christian music. It's amazing how far I've come from where I was then but the song still hits me so hard... So much truth... 

Lord please help me... I need you more now than ever... I really am drowning in this storm...