It is the gift of God

So I sold the stroller... I'm a little sad but I'm also relieved... we were pretty broke and so being able to sell the stroller has lifted a huge weight off our shoulders. And so I'm thankful too.

I put little man down for a nap and sat down in front of the computer. Ever had that feeling that you want to do something but you don't know what? That was exactly what I felt! I decided to pull out a canvas from under our bed (I stocked up at the last 40% off sale! I refuse to pay astronomical prices for blank canvases) and sat down with my bucket-o-paint. I came across a bible verse that I thought would go great in our kitchen...

It's not finished yet but I got the verse on there! You can't tell all that well but I painted the background to look almost old and distressed looking and then made a dark red color for the text. Our kitchen is pretty bare with only a few pictures of chickens (it started as a joke but I've fallen in love with our eclectic chicken kitchen) so the colors on this match wonderfully and will be a great addition! Now to let it dry and figure out what else I want to put on there to fill up the empty space... 

A different perspective

I follow quite a few blogs and caringbridge sites and yesterday one of them wrote about a Bible passage I had read a hundred times before but never thought of it like this.

Matthew 14: 24-31

²⁴ But the ship was now in the midst of the sea, tossed with waves: for the wind was contrary.

²⁵ And in the fourth watch of the night Jesus went unto them, walking on the sea.

²⁶ And when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were troubled, saying, It is a spirit; and they cried out for fear.

²⁷ But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid.

²⁸ And Peter answered him and said, Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.

²⁹ And he said, Come. And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus.

³⁰ But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me.

³¹ And immediately Jesus stretched forth [his] hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?

I've always read this passage and thought about doubt- not trusting in the Lord. But yesterday when I read this persons update they made reference to the fact that it's also about focusing on the Lord, not the storm swirling around you. That and what I had always thought go hand-in-hand but I'd never realized that. It's so easy to get caught up in the storm. To worry and toil over it. But in order to truly trust Him we must point our eyes toward the Lord. Focus on Him. And let the storm worry about itself. I found this incredibly applicable to my life- I'm a worrier! Even before the storm hits I find myself staring at the ominous clouds getting ready to consume me- looking in the wrong direction. I think that if I truly trusted the Lord, with all my heart, soul, and being, I wouldn't be watching the storm- my eyes would be on Him. And so that's what I'm going to try to do. Focus on the Lord. And let the rest worry about itself.

Love

I wanted to write this blog last night after our class at church when everything was still fresh but I just never managed to do it. So this is going to be kind of scattered, but we're gonna give it a go anyway.


Faith is an act of LOVE. 


I find myself dwelling on this abstract word of "love" recently. I love good music. I love my friends. I love my family. I love sunny days with a breeze. No matter how much I love these things my love for them is nothing with out action. Doing something about it. Acting upon it. This is a lesson I see over and over again in my own life. The lack of action. This absolutely includes my love and relationship with God.


I do in fact love God. I swear I do. And I know God loves me, after all, He IS love. The Orthodox church defines sin as (basically) a personal movement away from God, an act of self-will. This is different than many other denominations I've encountered where sin is much more of a breaking of a rule(s). No matter how much I suck (which is quite a bit these days), no matter how much I fight Him, no matter how unwilling I am to do the right thing, none of that has any effect on God's love for me. WOW. Even though I feel millions of miles away from Him right now I can rest assured that it wasn't Him who moved, who changed, it was me. God's love doesn't waver... Ever. 


Father Paul quoted a little bible passage last night (I believe from Revelation but I could be wrong) in which Christ says "I stand at the door and knock." I can hear it. It's interesting how although God works in mysterious ways and puts constant little reminders in my life (when I choose to see them) of His love but doesn't "force" Himself on me. He stands there, waiting. Faith is an act of love, a voluntary action, a virtue, a personal decision. So when am I going to act upon it? When is enough going to be enough? When will I start moving back towards God rather than spiraling away from Him? Sometimes I truly wish He would just force Himself on me, it would be SO much easier if I just had to do what I am supposed to do. To have a clear-cut, step by step, moment by moment instruction as to what exactly I am supposed to be doing and be pushed in that direction. But He doesn't work like that. And I can see why. God didn't create the Earth to have a bunch of zombie robots wandering around...


Ironically I know all these things, I truly do. I know it in my head but my heart, well, we're not there yet. I struggle so much with feelings of self-loathing, self-doubt... Why would God want ME? But I know He does. 


I was on the playground with Liam and another little boy I babysat yesterday reading a yoga magazine. I typically don't read a whole lot of the articles because a lot of it is weird, new-agey spiritual gunk that I don't really put any stock in. But I started reading this article about how yoga "changes" a person. As I was reading it I found it all incredibly weird that these were things people attribute to yoga but I found that it really spoke to me about God. I had one of those "ah-ha" moments as Oprah would say. Coming to God is a transformational experience. But where I've been getting it wrong my entire life is in my hope that God would make me into a different person, a better person. The truth is, God doesn't change us into something we're not. He merely strips away all the junk and clutter in our lives to expose the person we are and always have been deep down inside. Who we really are. God loves me for me! The me that's hidden somewhere below the self-loathing, guilt, bitterness, and anger. Because He knows me. He loves me for me. 


And that is profoundly beautiful.