Defeated

"It's a little like living on an island all day with these weird rules that don't apply to other people. You know, thinking all the time, 'Is this going to set him off? What's that noise? Should I drive home a different way to avoid the barking dog?' Always that pressure, always so much... And it feels like you can't breathe sometimes..."


That quote is from last night's episode of Parenthood. The only show I've ever seen that pretty accurately represents Autism spectrum disorders. I quoted it from a woman at a support group on the show speaking about life with her son with Asperger's. It hit me. Hard. Sometimes I float through life pretending that maybe Jack doesn't have autism... maybe he's just a little different. Doctors misdiagnose things... But sometimes it really hits me that my son has Autism. Like tonight.


Every Wednesday night we attend a bible study at a Baptist church we've been attending for awhile. The boys go to a 2 & 3 year old bible group and we get to head upstairs, childless, to enjoy some fellowship and the word of God. I looked forward to it all day. Today was rough on so many fronts. I was so excited to get out of the house and spend some time in the company of adults. We dropped the boys off, they both eagerly ran in and hunkered down with some toys. No goodbyes, nothing. Just two excited, "normal" little boys, happy as could be. We got upstairs, visited for a few minutes, and the session began. We sang the opening hymn and prayed our opening prayer, sat down, and BAM. There was Jack with one of the teachers. He wouldn't stop screaming, refused to listen to anything they said, and was crying uncontrollably. Of course the second I scooped him up he was perfectly fine. We played games on my phone for a bit. He asked to go to the bathroom so we got up and went. Once in the restroom he refused to go (he never seems to have to go when we get in any bathroom except our downstairs bathroom at our house). I went to the bathroom and without thinking flushed the toilet. He dropped to his knees covering his ears and began to cry. Ahh yes, public restrooms = loud flushing. Quick trip to meltdown ville. Thankfully I picked him up and he was easily redirected with playing with the water as I washed my hands and we headed back into the bible study. He played games on my phone for the rest of the time until we were finished. Needless to say, I learned more about the scooby doo puzzle on my phone tonight than God. *Sigh* Just as I needed it the most...