Secondary Infertility

DefinitionSecondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

Do I have secondary infertility?
Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages. 　
Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

Why is this happening?When a first child is conceived with ease, you may feel completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child. Take charge and talk to your primary care or ob/gyn physician. Secondary infertility is very common, but not often talked about. 

The emotional side of secondary infertilityPhysicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

* above definitions taken from here. 

** emphasis in red is added by me. 

Secondary Infertility. So there's a name to this problem we seem to have. I'm not sure it makes it any easier, but it does make it feel a little less lonely to know that this isn't just us. It still sucks. 

I often get the response from people when I dare to clue them in on our issue "You already have two children- be thankful you have them!" Totally understand that. Trust me, I do. I love both of my children dearly- they are my little beams of sunshine- but that doesn't mean I don't long for another child. I am thankful- so very thankful- that we have been blessed with them. But that again doesn't mean I don't long for another child. Quite frankly I find the comments often time ignorant and hurtful. It sucks that unless you have no children people refuse to sympathize with issues of infertility. 

I'm very blessed to have a few close friends with whom I can confide and cry to. But I sincerely wish that people were more understanding- surely we're not the only ones going through this feeling this way. 

I have an appointment at the end of the month to try to get a referral to see someone. Infertility is described as a year of trying without getting pregnant. We're long past that now. I really just want some answers. I feel that having another child is God's decision so we won't proceed with any kind of fertility treatments regardless what we discover. I just want to know what we're up against. 

Please pray for us. I've really been struggling with this the last few weeks. It's been a combination of stress and my impending due-date for Zoe. Please pray that we may find some peace- regardless the outcome. 

Treading Water

I really feel as though I'm treading water these days. Completely exhausted and barely keeping my head above water. It's horrible.

The thing about grief is that it never goes away. It's like moisture in the air. There are days where the skies are clear and you can't see the moisture- but it's there. And there are days where the clouds fill up and become dark and it pours. And of course there are million days in between. If only I had weather forecast...

I feel the need to blog because it's been so long and I don't want this blog to just die off... But quite frankly I don't really feel like saying much more than I already have. So we'll leave it at that.

Friday 5

* I met with our Priest today. It was the first time I've ever actually had a meeting with him by myself. Typically the hubby's with me. And quite frankly I don't talk much. Jacob's very well spoken and much more 'scholarly' than I am so there really isn't a need for me to chime in much. It was really nice to talk to someone about Orthodoxy. And about where I am in life.

* While meeting with my Priest I realized something. I have an extremely hard time talking about Zoe out loud. I know, you're probably saying "duh" because I'm obviously still very much struggling with my miscarriage. I write about it on here. I think about it constantly. But very rarely do I speak about it. I guess it's just something I carry on the inside? I honestly had never realized until the very moment he brought it up and I was instantly overcome with sadness and pain. I choked back tears, trying to formulate sentences in response to his questions. Quite frankly, it's not ok. I obviously need to talk about Zoe. Not talking about her doesn't make it any less of a reality (maybe that's what this weird 'hold it all inside' attitude is subconsciously?!). So that is going to be a goal of mine. I want to talk about Zoe. I want to remember that I have a child in Heaven. Not just in my head, but in real life. This is kind of a big undertaking considering the vast majority of my conversations are held with toddlers but I think I can find a way to do this. And I want to try.

* We started a 'feeding protocol' with Jack and his tutor to get him to start trying new foods. To say that it is going well is really the understatement of the century. He literally HASN'T protested. He's been totally cool with it. So far it's just been single foods (I do think it will be harder with foods that are several ingredients) but even today his tutor commented that she could tell he didn't like the pineapple but continued to comply anyway. How unbelievably awesome is that?! And to top it off, this kid is eating like never before. And not grilled cheese 3 meals a day! Just today he ate eggs, sausage, a whole can of V8 blend (technically he drank that but it was a new item), goldfish, watermelon, pineapple, chips and salsa, a 'hot dog sandwich' (hot dog with cheese wrapped in bread), and various other snacks through out the day. What an amazing blessing. Seriously. I have spent many hours concerned about how we would get Jack to eat and starting to put on weight. But it's like he's a totally changed kid the last few days. He even insisted on eating broccoli and watermelon for supper Thursday night- and he ate almost the entire head of broccoli! This is absolutely an answered prayer. And I'm so thankful!!

* Aside from the eating, Jack is really doing all around incredibly well the past few days. When I got home this evening we had about 2 hours before bedtime. Liam, Jack, and I played board games for over an hour with no fighting or screaming- which has NEVER happened before. He was completely calm, cool, and collected. There were several times where I got lost just staring at him. As if someone had swapped out my child for another. I don't really know what to make of it to be honest. He's talking better than ever. Conversing more frequently than ever. It's amazing! We were sitting next to each other watching Jacob play some video games this evening and Jack actually reached over and rubbed my back with his hand. Something I do to the boys all the time. Just that nice, I love you, I'm here, quick brush along your back. He's never done that before. I looked at him and he looked right into my eyes and smiled at me. There are no words to describe it. It was something I will never forget. We sat next to each other for quite awhile longer and looked back over at him to see that he was totally mimicking me! I had been leaning forward with my head resting on my hand and he was doing the same thing. Something is changing in Jack. He's growing and maturing. It's so incredibly beautiful. I am so in love with and so proud of my son.

* Tonight I feel the most sincerely happy I've felt in a long time. Not that surface happy, nothing's going catastrophically bad right now, but a sincere, deep in my soul happiness. Something that I've been longing for for such a long time. I am incredibly blessed. And I am incredibly thankful.

28 Weeks

I should be 28 weeks along now.
I should be anxiously getting ready for my new baby.
I should be complaining about how uncomfortable I am.
I should be searching to find clothes that fit my gigantic, cartoon like proportions.
I should be talking to my boys about the impending arrival of their new sibling.
I should be laying on my back watching my belly move at night.
I should be pregnant.

But I'm not. Almost 5 months have past. And it still hurts.

I hate this.

I did it!

I just moments ago finished reading the book of Matthew. I am quite proud of myself. 1 week and 1 chapter down! I'm excited to keep going :) I truly feel God at work in my life and I'm so thankful to be able to draw close to Him through His word. It's nice to sit down mid-day and just have some time with God both in reading the Bible and in prayer!


And I got some exciting new yesterday, we are going to become Catechumen in the Orthodox Church! Hopefully this weekend! Basically that means we're officially excepted into the Church and on our way to being Baptized into the Orthodox faith. I was baptized as an infant into the Catholic Church but this is different. Becoming Orthodox (to me) is really a reorganization of my relationship and recommitment to Christ. I'm excited to actively pursue my relationship with Christ in a whole new way!! 


In other news, we've got a pretty nasty cold going around our house. Jack was first last week and I was able to hold it off pretty well with lots of vitamins and some Benadryl to help him sleep. Liam came next with rivers of snot everywhere and quite the attitude to match. He's still recovering (with the aid of Vitamins and Benadryl of course) and I think we're nearing the end. But unfortunately Jacob's sick now. He's been coming down with it for a couple days now and is quite miserable. So inevitably I will get it too. I'm trying hard to stay healthy- lots of vitamins and sleep. But I'm not going to hold my breath, I always get sick last and always stay sick the longest. Here's hoping we can at least hold off until Tuesday. I have too much to do this weekend! 


Things are pretty up and down with Jack these days. We're going in for his assessment Monday and it will be interesting to see what they have to say. I'm excited to get a new plan in place and start moving forward again! Everything with the school is still relatively turbulent- still not eating, they're still not doing virtually any sensory with him during the day, and we're STILL waiting to have our next meeting. I just don't understand why no one else feels a sense of urgency in this. For Jack to start improving and moving forward we all have to be onboard. And it will be good for everyone involved! But unfortunately they're all SOOO BUSY and the meeting just isn't getting scheduled. We'll see if there's any news in Jack's notebook when he comes home today!


Although things in my life have been going relatively well since the terrible day I had on Tuesday I must say I have a very heavy heart today. One year ago today a beautiful baby girl named Hazel went home to Jesus. My heart just breaks for her parents Ryan and Angie. But I know that one day they will be reunited, just as I will be with Zoe, and live for all of eternity in Paradise... 

Life

I have such a heavy heart today. I knew it was coming. After all, today is the 20th, a day that will forever stand out in my heart...


Two months ago today, October 20, I had a miscarriage. It feels so wrong to even type those words. I guess it was naive of me to think that I wouldn't ever suffer a loss of a child. And quite frankly that isn't even true. It's my biggest fear. But I honestly didn't imagine I would ever have a miscarriage, literally no one in my entire family has had one, or so they say. Surely that would mean that I should be in the clear. And after having such a difficult pregnancy with Jack I guess I kinda thought my body was super tough or something. But oh was I wrong.


I had no idea I was pregnant. We have been trying to get pregnant again for nearly a year with no success. Once we came to September and I knew I was going to be having surgery on my foot the end of the month we were actually trying NOT to get pregnant. Ironically, that is exactly when we did. And with that comes all sorts of feelings of guilt. I should have known. I had a pregnancy test shortly before my surgery but it came back negative. I guess I wasn't pregnant enough yet? That whole thing is a mystery to me. But I was. It really is no wonder that we lost the baby, I had surgery on my foot and I was put under for it, then was on pretty heavy pain killers for a couple weeks after that. Everyone kept telling me that heavy pain meds can mess with your cycle so not to worry about my period being late... Which was exactly why I never thought I was pregnant. But I should have known...


It all happened so fast. I had no idea what was happening. My parents were here. It was awful. Even after it happened I wasn't sure that THAT was what happened. So I called the hospital and after hours of waiting finally spoke to a nurse who told me just to take a pregnancy test and come in the next morning. That is when it became real. Those two lines I had been waiting for the last year were the exact thing I feared seeing more than anything. And there they were. Glaring at me. And that is when reality hit. I have no idea how I managed to tell my parents I had to go pick Jacob up from work, I have no idea how I drove to Jacob's work, but I'll never forget the moment he got in the car. Our lives were forever changed. 


The months since I've been a zombie. Trying to maintain consciousness when all I want to do is cry. Trying to pretend like everything is ok when it's anything but. Holding my boys so tight and trying to find a way to hide my sobbing because I'm so thankful for them yet so broken that I have a baby in heaven who we'll never meet on this Earth. A little brother or sister that I know they would have loved to pieces. A missing piece in our life. Forever.


And now it's Christmas. And although it's supposed to be a joyous time I can't help but feel there is a rain cloud above me always. Ironically, I got pregnant with this baby the exact same time I got pregnant with each of the boys. They were born June 7th and 10th and my due date for this baby would have been around the 9th or so. So I can't help but remember... remember what the Christmas' were like when I was pregnant with them and long to be pregnant right now...


After the miscarriage we spoke with our Priest and his wife and they suggested that we name the baby. Something I hadn't ever thought to do but seemed so right. Since I wasn't nearly far enough along to tell if we would have had a boy or a girl we thought about using a unisex name (seems silly in hindsight but we did). But nothing felt right. And when we were on our way to Church one evening Jacob suggested we use the name Zoe which means "life" in Greek. We can't ever find out if we would have had a boy or a girl but one thing is for sure and that is that we had a life, another child, our child. And so that is the name we decided on. Our little Zoe. 


I'm still drowning in this all. Hopefully I will find some peace, preferably sooner than later. But for now I'm just going to keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that's just keep breathing.