Maybe I missed something...

(this is actually a post I did for my autism blog, but it seemed like it could/should be posted over here too)

While Jack was being diagnosed with Autism we were asked billions of questions about family history. No one in either my family or my husband's was ever diagnosed with Autism. But one of my brothers and all 4 of Jacob's brothers have ADHD. I suffered from depression, anxiety, and (although not diagnosed) obsessive compulsive behavior. Jacob too has had depression.  

So I really thought that Autism came from a combination of all the complications of Jack's pregnancy. It was awful. My blood pressure was high from the beginning, fluid levels were dropping constantly, and at our 20 week ultra-sound it was discovered that Jack's kidneys were dilated. Because of all this we were going and getting high definition ultra sounds done at another hospital once a month. The final month of my pregnancy I was on bed rest. I had the steroid shots because no one thought he would make it to term. At 34 weeks we went for an ultrasound only to discover that my placenta was dead and Jack wasn't growing at all anymore. So I had an emergency c-section and Jack was born 6 weeks early weighing in at a whopping 4 pounds.

I have no idea what caused Jack's Autism. He never regressed, he just stopped keeping up with milestones, which leads me to believe it didn't have anything to do with vaccines (although I do think there is some validity to those arguments, I just don't agree that the vaccines 100% cause Autism). 

Lately I've been doing some "soul searching." Lots of things in my life are not as I would like them to be. And I've found myself taking a good long stare in the mirror...

Sometimes my husband and I joke that maybe I have Aspergers. 

Tonight I sat down and started researching the "signs" in adults with Aspergers. I actually found somewhere online that you can take a test (obviously not meant to be a diagnosis but merely a tool to use on your own). If you scored over 32 you could very well have high functioning Autism or Aspergers. I scored 36.

As I took the test I suddenly started pouring over the details of my childhood. I was OBSESSED with reading. I read all day, all night, all the time. Kids used to make fun of me for it. I had no desire to have friends. I just wanted to read and be in my own world. I was also obsessed with numbers. I have very vivid memories of laying in bed making up math equations based on whatever numbers were in the time (i.e. 2:24 would work out into all sorts of things like 2+2=4 but often more complicated than that). It was absolutely a self-soothing thing. I would put myself to sleep doing that and rubbing my feet together (which I also did whenever I got nervous) and quite frankly I still do. I was really good at math too. When I was in 4th grade we would do these multiplication tables and time ourselves as a class. I was so good that I actually had several "face-offs" with my teacher to see who could do them fastest. Sometimes she won, sometimes I did. I was reading Shakespeare for fun by sixth grade. And I had a photographic memory. I could recall scenes like photos in my brain. I also had a pretty narrow field of interest, I loved animals. I read every book in several series about horses. I was incredibly smart. But really awkward.

As I grew older I discovered that by becoming like the people I surrounded myself with I would be accepted. I began to mold myself into whatever group of friends I had at the time. Which often was a terrible thing (I was always drawn to the trouble makers, the kids on drugs, etc. Maybe because they were the easiest to fit in with?). But that's actually how I began making friends. And still to this day I find myself absolutely manipulated by whatever the people I hang out with are like. Right after we moved out here I had made a friend who was just a mess and a total drunk, sure enough a couple of months later I was a borderline alcoholic and a complete mess myself. Thankfully I was smart enough to stop that friendship and although I'm still a mess most days, I no longer drink...

Which leads me to where I am now. I don't have any friends. Quite frankly I prefer it. Friends are a hassle to me. The few people I was friends with since moving to Hawaii would come over and we would just sit in the living room of my house watching my kids. I really never had anything to say, and often just wanted them to leave. I find having "friends" online so much easier. They can't hassle you, they're there when you want them to be there. It's so much easier for me to handle answering an email than to have a conversation with someone. I like to piece together my thoughts methodically. If I don't, I often times sound like either an idiot or I'm rude.

All these things combined make me really think maybe I do have Aspergers...

Hmmm...

But it really doesn't matter. I am who I am. And no diagnosis could change that. It's just interesting...

The struggle...

Another day, another struggle. I feel pretty overwhelmed and exhausted at this point. So many things I want and need to do but so little desire to actually do anything. Which is a big part in why it's been so long since I posted. 
We had a friend of Jacob's Aunt and Uncle stay with us for a few days earlier this week. As much as I absolutely hate having guests in our house (poor Jack really struggles with any changes and other people in our house inevitably leads to all sorts of changes) it was kind of refreshing having him here. He just finished attending a men's retreat on the Big Island and stopped here on Oahu for a business meeting and to spend some time with Jacob. It was nice to see Jacob getting to talk to someone about God. He just lights up with passion... It's truly wonderful. They had great conversation after great conversation and I was fortunate enough to be able to listen to some of them (I was on kiddo duty the vast majority of the time he was here) and it was a breathe of fresh air. I truly believe walking in my faith would be easier if I was surrounded by other people who love the Lord. I am blessed to have a couple good friends that I can turn to, but unfortunately none here in Hawaii. Maybe someday! One of these days I'm going to work up the courage and stop being so shy at church! 
Jacob was supposed to be leaving Sunday to go to some training out in Maryland but after some technical difficulties at the travel office this morning they were unable to get the paperwork filed for him to go. YEA!!! It was only going to be two weeks but I was a little freaked out at the prospect of being all alone with the boys with no break for two weeks- especially after I discovered one of those week is Jack's spring break! I'm so thankful Jacob's not going. Seriously. What a blessing. He will have to go at some point. But not this weekend and that's all that matters!
I picked up my Bible for the first time in over a month this afternoon. I was sitting here contemplating what to do with this time during Liam's nap and out of the corner of my eye I saw my Bible sitting next to the computer desk, literally covered in dust. Not a good sign. No wonder I'm struggling these days huh? I read a few chapters and feel good about finally getting back on the horse. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other...
This coming Monday is the beginning of Lent which is quite a big deal in the Orthodox church to say the least. Orthodox fast from meat, dairy, all animal products, wine, and olive oil for the 40 days, plus you're supposed to limit your time you spend listening to the radio, watching t.v., watching movies, etc. so that you can focus on Christ. It's really a beautiful thing. We've started doing the food fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays (which Orthodox do all year long) and it's much harder than I anticipated. Since we're new to this we're not expected to adhere to the strict fast for 40 days but we're going to start off with two days a week and see where we end up. It's exciting really. I find it really wonderful to be part of a tradition, especially one that is deeply rooted in history and incredibly meaningful.
I think I'm going to try to give up Facebook for Lent. It's something I've been talking about doing for awhile now (when I actually take the plunge I'll elaborate on the reasons why). Facebook is a real distraction for me, and Lent is a time to purge our lives of those things. So I think I'm going to use Lent as the real push to do this! So look forward to a post in the next few days on whether I've done it or not :)