A New Day

I woke up this morning with a "new day" kinda attitude which was much appreciated. Sometimes I get so caught up in EVERYTHING that each day is just a continuation of the day before and quite frankly that's exhausting. Thanks in part to a phone call from a dear friend last night and having a good heart-to-heart with the hubby, I went to sleep last night with a kind of peace I hadn't felt in awhile.


I refuse to make new year's resolutions, I never stick to them and they always just feel like a defeat in the end. So I've decided that each week I'm going to make a goal, whether it be to start doing something, stop doing something, etc. I've got a lot of things I want to fix in my life that require basically a whole new lifestyle. But those quick fix, fast change plans never seem to stick with me. 


And today's the first day! I've talked for some time about doing a Bible reading plan but never seem to get around to doing it. Honestly, with all that I'm juggling these days to jump on one of these "Bible in 90 days" bandwagons is completely daunting. I want to do this, not attempt to do this and quit because it's frustrating. So last night I found a New Testament in 90 days plan and that's what I'm doing. It's significantly less scary, it's about 4 chapters each day which is totally 100% manageable. 


I just finished reading the first 4 chapters of Matthew. It's quite appropriate that the beginning of the book talks about the birth of Christ. As most of the world has just finished celebrating Christmas (and us too!) the church we are joining operates on the "Old Calendar" meaning they're behind the calendar most people use. Tonight is Christmas Eve in the Orthodox Church and we're going to attend Liturgy preparing us for the birth of Christ tomorrow. It's all kind of weird really, but in a way it's kind of cool for us still because this year we get TWO Christmases! The first was your All-American standard Christmas with decorations and gifts and the second is "the real Christmas" where we exchange no gifts and truly just marvel in the miracle of Christ's birth- the reason for the season if you will. I'm really looking forward to experiencing Christmas in the Orthodox Church for the first time.


So I've done it! I've successfully committed to day 1! It feels pretty good. I think that by doing this all slowly and gradually I'm going to have a higher chance of actually succeeding. I'm not even worrying about plotting out what the goals will be each week at this point, I figure I'll decide when I get there (preferably at least the day before of course). Today's been pretty darn productive otherwise too. I managed to go grocery shopping, clean a little, do a little laundry, and even pack Jack's lunches up to next Friday!


Today was indeed a new day. And tomorrow will be too. And that's what I need to keep focusing on- one day at a time... 

Chaos.

My mind is complete and utter chaos. Plain and simple. I don't even know where to begin anymore.
It's amazing the things I can accomplish if I manage to just shut it off for awhile. But it doesn't seem to be a tangible switch. Sometimes I can do it, sometimes I can't. And that's lame.


Regardless, flipping the switch doesn't fix anything. Doesn't change anything. 


What I need is a switch AND a magic wand. Even then I imagine I'd be out of luck, that would require me figuring out exactly what needs to be fixed... and what "fixing" those things means. 


Yup, I'm a mess. 


With it being a new year and all I want to try to figure out "my plan" for it. What I want to do, not do, things I want to accomplish, things I want to stop doing, blah blah blah. But all these things swirl in my head constantly, until of course, I sit down to write them down. Then they're gone. Nothing but a faint memory of having something to say. 


I really have no right to complain. Things have been pretty good around here. God has blessed us immensely in the last couple weeks. I'm thankful, I really am.


But mostly, I'm just tired. 
Just. Plain. Tired. 

I did it!

I put my big girl panties on and fired Jack's tutor and the company providing services :) 


I must admit, I chickened out somewhat and did it by email, Jacob says I'm crazy and that I should have at least called her. But I truly think this is best. I'm pretty pissed right now and I don't deal well with confrontation so it was best for me to calmly and cooly put together an email rather than try to have a discussion about it. And it's over. There was no coming back from this anyway so I don't see a problem in what I did... Even if it is just because I'm chicken!


So I've been bothering Jack's case manager through the insurance company like crazy. Thankfully she's a wonderful woman and extremely helpful. She said that we're not the only family who has had this issue with this company and also with other companies that have been on board for a long time. You would think that people would realize the importance of stability for these kids. But they just don't. I must say I feel a little better knowing that I'm not the only one, I guess it gives me some validation. So if we can't get into the company we want, with our old tutor, she suggested we try out one of the new companies the insurance company just started accepting. We have 4 choices. Being that they're new each of them should have a pretty good selection of tutors and offer more stability. So that's plan b!


I contacted the new company where our old tutor is now. They have her assigned to another case already but she hasn't started so they're going to see if maybe they can switch some schedules. It would be SO wonderful to get her back!!! So we should know early next week (hopefully) what the game plan is. 


So we're on our own for probably a couple weeks. But for the first time I'm not really scared by that. When we transferred from Early Intervention to DOE services I was terrified at the thought of not having any tutors for a couple weeks. But I think I've matured a bit since then, and I'm significantly more confident in my ability to handle things. I CAN do this!! 

Another one bites the dust...

Ahh yes, here we are again amidst the perfect storm. 


Jack's new tutor quit on us. This will be our 3rd tutor in less than 2 months. I actually haven't even heard from her (which I totally think is rude), her boss/Jack's program supervisor called me today to say that she had put in her two weeks notice. Only problem is her last day is the 31st... so something doesn't add up? Either my understanding of "a week" is wrong or she put in notice over a week ago and no one told me?!? Supposedly she had only taken this job to make some extra money while her fiance tried to find a job. Umm hello? If you're trained in special needs wouldn't you know that this isn't a "willy-nilly" "spur of the moment" type of job? Your decisions have consequences. You can't just be a tutor for a month and quit! Get a job at frickin Macys or something! Why don't people understand that they're seriously f-ing with my kid? UGH! And to make it even worse, she was here Monday and Tuesday last week and won't be here until Thursday/Friday this week. Couldn't you have quit BEFORE you needed a bunch of time off so that I could have gotten a replacement and not have a huge break in services? FRUSTRATING! So it turns out C (the boss lady) doesn't even actually have anyone to replace K yet. She put an ad on Craig's List today looking for someone to fill the position. GREAT. Are you kidding me? This is all such a joke!


So I contacted Jack's last tutor, the one before K, to see if she was tutoring again. She's gotten a job with another company tutoring- and they actually take our insurance! So tomorrow I have to sort through a million phone numbers to try to figure out how I can switch companies and essentially fire the one we have now. Hopefully we can just get our old tutor back. She was AMAZING. Jack still asks about her. And she really knows her stuff! She's a special ed teacher and absolutely adored Jack. So wish me luck. I'm not looking forward to this switch at all, I hate paperwork and procedural crap but it must be done. I've never "fired" anyone before either. So yeah, wish me luck!


I really need to get this all resolved, like I said, it's the perfect storm all over again. Jack's last regression started after a 2 week break from school, change in tutors, and the teacher's assistants at school changed too. Which is exactly what is happening all over again. UGH!!! I have so much to do, and so little energy to do anything. It's gonna be a rough week... 

1000s of Miles...

This will be my fourth year celebrating Christmas without my family. And that sucks. It's actually been so long now that I really don't remember what it was like to be with my brothers and parents. It's weird how we've all grown up... My parents are spending Christmas Eve down in St. James with my Grandparents, Aaron is (I believe) spending it with his wonderful girlfriend Abbie's family, and my baby brother Matty is hunkered down somewhere in Afghanistan. Matty definitely has the worst deal of all. And I feel bad. I miss him so much. But thankfully he will be home *hopefully* early February and then come August, he'll be getting stationed at the Army base across the island from us- how lucky are we??


This is the first year we're going to be spending Christmas just the four of us. Jack's first Christmas Jacob's brother Jared was living with us, and last year and the year before Jacob's mom was living with us. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws dearly, but it's just not the same as having MY family here. 


I have to admit, it's probably better this way. Jack's pretty edgy these days. He's been out of school for exactly a week today, and it's starting to show. I hate how changes in his schedule really mess everything up. And there's nothing we can do about it. Such is life. Tonight I'm going to sit down and make up a picture schedule for tomorrow morning to try to help Jack through the chaos. It'll be interesting to see how he handles it all. We're just crossing our fingers for no major melt-downs... I'm sure there will be some crying and screaming but if we don't have any HUGE tantrums, it will be a success. We're going to cross our fingers and hope between the picture schedule, lots of sensory, and lots of deep breaths (on my part of course!) we'll all survive :) 


Merry Christmas!!

Life

I have such a heavy heart today. I knew it was coming. After all, today is the 20th, a day that will forever stand out in my heart...


Two months ago today, October 20, I had a miscarriage. It feels so wrong to even type those words. I guess it was naive of me to think that I wouldn't ever suffer a loss of a child. And quite frankly that isn't even true. It's my biggest fear. But I honestly didn't imagine I would ever have a miscarriage, literally no one in my entire family has had one, or so they say. Surely that would mean that I should be in the clear. And after having such a difficult pregnancy with Jack I guess I kinda thought my body was super tough or something. But oh was I wrong.


I had no idea I was pregnant. We have been trying to get pregnant again for nearly a year with no success. Once we came to September and I knew I was going to be having surgery on my foot the end of the month we were actually trying NOT to get pregnant. Ironically, that is exactly when we did. And with that comes all sorts of feelings of guilt. I should have known. I had a pregnancy test shortly before my surgery but it came back negative. I guess I wasn't pregnant enough yet? That whole thing is a mystery to me. But I was. It really is no wonder that we lost the baby, I had surgery on my foot and I was put under for it, then was on pretty heavy pain killers for a couple weeks after that. Everyone kept telling me that heavy pain meds can mess with your cycle so not to worry about my period being late... Which was exactly why I never thought I was pregnant. But I should have known...


It all happened so fast. I had no idea what was happening. My parents were here. It was awful. Even after it happened I wasn't sure that THAT was what happened. So I called the hospital and after hours of waiting finally spoke to a nurse who told me just to take a pregnancy test and come in the next morning. That is when it became real. Those two lines I had been waiting for the last year were the exact thing I feared seeing more than anything. And there they were. Glaring at me. And that is when reality hit. I have no idea how I managed to tell my parents I had to go pick Jacob up from work, I have no idea how I drove to Jacob's work, but I'll never forget the moment he got in the car. Our lives were forever changed. 


The months since I've been a zombie. Trying to maintain consciousness when all I want to do is cry. Trying to pretend like everything is ok when it's anything but. Holding my boys so tight and trying to find a way to hide my sobbing because I'm so thankful for them yet so broken that I have a baby in heaven who we'll never meet on this Earth. A little brother or sister that I know they would have loved to pieces. A missing piece in our life. Forever.


And now it's Christmas. And although it's supposed to be a joyous time I can't help but feel there is a rain cloud above me always. Ironically, I got pregnant with this baby the exact same time I got pregnant with each of the boys. They were born June 7th and 10th and my due date for this baby would have been around the 9th or so. So I can't help but remember... remember what the Christmas' were like when I was pregnant with them and long to be pregnant right now...


After the miscarriage we spoke with our Priest and his wife and they suggested that we name the baby. Something I hadn't ever thought to do but seemed so right. Since I wasn't nearly far enough along to tell if we would have had a boy or a girl we thought about using a unisex name (seems silly in hindsight but we did). But nothing felt right. And when we were on our way to Church one evening Jacob suggested we use the name Zoe which means "life" in Greek. We can't ever find out if we would have had a boy or a girl but one thing is for sure and that is that we had a life, another child, our child. And so that is the name we decided on. Our little Zoe. 


I'm still drowning in this all. Hopefully I will find some peace, preferably sooner than later. But for now I'm just going to keep doing the only thing I know to do, and that's just keep breathing. 

When will they get it?

Yet another meeting at the school yesterday. Something I was dreading. Not only am I so over this I had to go by myself because there was no one to watch the munchkins so Jacob stayed home with them. 
It was myself, Jack's teacher (we'll call her Mrs. M), the autism consultant, and a counselor of some sort. Right from the start I knew it was going to be rough after the counselor asking us what Jack's strengths were and Mrs. M had nothing to offer. Ummm he's been in your class for 5 months now, give us at least one strength! Really?! 
We then worked our way into "problem behaviors." It took every ounce of strength I possess to not scream and/or cry at this point. It is SO hard to sit and listen to someone rag on your kid, saying that he's the "problem" in the classroom, that he doesn't know things that I know damn well he does. Each sentence was a blow to the stomach and they just kept coming. "Jackson can't/won't/doesn't do anything." Over and over and over again.
Many of Jack's "problem behaviors" in school come from them not doing their job. Many of these problems we don't have at home because we're doing what we should be doing and the expectations and the environment is appropriate. Specifically his sensory issues. We do sensory activities every 20 minutes to keep him calm cool and collected at home. No matter how many times I've told them this they're still only doing it TWICE a day. Yup, twice in SIX hours! No wonder why he can't focus and do what they want of him! I swear to you, Mrs. M actually brought up the fact that Jack has a hard time transitioning into music time... now music time is immediately after recess. So if you were running around in the sun and 80 degree weather for 30 minutes you'd probably have a hard time sitting down and singing too. I know I would! Transitions have always been a struggle for Jack. But to expect him to transition from a running/active activity to a structured sitting activity with no help whatsoever is unreasonable. Autism aside, he's THREE.  
The list goes on and on and on. So many of these problems would be minimized if they would just implement and use the suggestions that myself, the autism consultant, and the occupational therapist have provided, but they don't. Why you ask? Because for one the teacher is obviously completely overwhelmed with 9 special ed kids to herself and one untrained education assistant who's been there for a month and a brand new one who started yesterday (and is only temporary, they're *hoping* to have a regular person hired by after break). It's all a complete and utter joke. I get it, I get that she's tired and overwhelmed but that's no excuse to just dismiss my child as a "problem" and refuse to try to make school work for him. 
Is this really what we have to look forward to for the next 13 years? I don't know that I can do this. The whole situation is entirely unhealthy and unproductive for myself and my child. 
So at this point we're waiting for 2.5 weeks until after Christmas break to do the next meeting. The most frustrating part is knowing that fall break was what started this spiral. And we're going to do it all over again, only longer, for Christmas. Chances are we will come back after break and everything will once again be different and we'll be walking deep into yet another regression and starting over at square one. UGH. 
And to top it off, Jack takes his favorite blanket, Gumby, to school with him now because he refuses to nap without it. I didn't want to start doing this because I knew it would be an issue. Last Wednesday Gumby didn't make it home, got left at school, and we had to go get it quick before the school closed. Well yesterday I was at the meeting when Jack got home and Jacob apparently didn't know to check for it. It was 5 o'clock by the time I realized it was missing and Jack was HEARTBROKEN. We had a terrible, terrible, terrible night last night. All because the school just simply can't pull their act together. I understand mistakes, I truly do, but twice in less than a week? Come on now! How hard is it to put a blanket in his backpack, you take it out of there every morning, put it back where you found it dang-it! I taped a gigantic fluorescent green note to the front of Jack's communication log last night reminding them about Gumby coming home each night... There's no way they can forget now (I hope)! 


On the other side of my pity party coin is the fact that this morning was the first time I've seen my husband in days basically. He began working on a project last Thursday for some of the high ups on the base creating a "booklet" on some random military crap. He got home from work at 8 Friday night, worked all afternoon Saturday, went into work Sunday night at 7 and didn't get home til 7 am Monday morning, slept for a couple hours and was back there from 11-11 yesterday (aside from the hour he was home watching the kids but that didn't really count because we basically said hello as we ran past each other to the car/house). So this booklet is like 200 pages, hand-drawn on the computer by my husband. That's not a booklet, that's a novel. Wanna know the best part? This morning one of his marines ran over a copy of it to one of the guys Jacob's making this for and guess what he said?! "This isn't at all what we wanted!" They're looking for like a 30 page document. With no pictures (we're talking hours of hunting for the images he put in that thing). So basically the project that stole my husband was a bust. And now he'll probably be at work late again tonight redoing the whole damn thing. FrUsTrAtInG (more so for Jacob obviously but I seriously hate not getting to see him for days at a time and having to do everything around the house and with the kids 100% by myself for days on end. It's so exhausting!).


Well I guess that's the end of yesterday and today's sob story. I just wish I could snap my fingers and fix everything...