2012

Well its been an insanely long time since I blogged. A lot has happened. A lot has changed. But for now I'm going to keep it simple and just post my resolutions for this year. There are quite a few but I'm not focusing on doing all of them, every day, perfectly. This is merely a roadmap for what I hope to achieve in 2012.

1. Take a photo a day. Doesn't matter what it is, how you take it. Just capture something each day.
2. Blog weekly. We'll see how well this one goes :)
3. Eat a salad a day, five days a week.
4. Exercise. It's a must. At least try.
5. Read a book a month.
6. Attend more church services than you miss.
7. Sew more.
8. Try to get organized.
9. Stay in the moment. Stay positive.
10. Simplify. Prioritize. Know your limits.

And that's my goals for 2012. Wish me luck!

Blessings

I heard this song again this morning and it really spoke to me... There's a lot of profound truth in here... Laura Story is the name of the woman who sings it and she has a pretty amazing story you can read here.

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Say Hello to my Little Friends

* Spiderman * Superman * Robin * Batman *

Mission Accomplished. 

Although much more tedious than I initially anticipated these were pretty fun to create. 

I can't wait for the boys to get to play with them tomorrow. 

Definitely need smaller brushes. 

Far from perfect but I think I can call them a success.

I'm kicking around the idea of picking up some more and making the boys a set of our family... 

We'll see how cool or not cool they think these are first. 

Craft Catharsis

I've managed to start crafting again... And it's nice. For real. I find it incredibly therapeutic to just shut off my brain and focus in on something I like to do. 

I made this cute little pot the other day... Well I didn't make it technically, I painted it. It turned out really well and I can't wait to get some seeds growin in there! 

And this is my afternoon project today. I've been searching for those little wooden peg dolls and while at Ben Franklin this morning I found them! To say that I'm excited is an understatement! 

Here's to picking myself up and some craft catharsis! 

Secondary Infertility

DefinitionSecondary infertility is defined as the inability to become pregnant, or to carry a pregnancy to term, following the birth of one or more biological children. The birth of the first child does not involve any assisted reproductive technologies or fertility medications.

Do I have secondary infertility?
Infertility is defined as a disease or condition of the reproductive system often diagnosed after a couple has had one year of unprotected, well-timed intercourse, or if the woman has suffered from multiple miscarriages. 　
Infertility is a medical problem. Approximately 40% of infertility is due to a female factor and 40% is due to a male factor. In the balance of the cases, infertility results from problems in both partners or the cause of the infertility cannot be explained.

Why is this happening?When a first child is conceived with ease, you may feel completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child. Take charge and talk to your primary care or ob/gyn physician. Secondary infertility is very common, but not often talked about. 

The emotional side of secondary infertilityPhysicians, too, may downplay the possibility of secondary infertility in their previously fertile patients and encourage the couple to "keep on trying." The emotional experience of secondary infertility often is a compilation of the distressing feelings of anger, grief, depression, isolation, guilt, jealousy, self-blame, and being out of control. You may feel guilty for experiencing normal grief and worry about how your current emotional state will affect your existing child. The powerlessness to produce a sibling for the existing child often produces feelings of sorrow, as does the inability to perpetuate the parenting role. You may feel distant from friends as those who were a great source of support when parenting the first child are now linked to sensations of pain and jealously.

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

* above definitions taken from here. 

** emphasis in red is added by me. 

Secondary Infertility. So there's a name to this problem we seem to have. I'm not sure it makes it any easier, but it does make it feel a little less lonely to know that this isn't just us. It still sucks. 

I often get the response from people when I dare to clue them in on our issue "You already have two children- be thankful you have them!" Totally understand that. Trust me, I do. I love both of my children dearly- they are my little beams of sunshine- but that doesn't mean I don't long for another child. I am thankful- so very thankful- that we have been blessed with them. But that again doesn't mean I don't long for another child. Quite frankly I find the comments often time ignorant and hurtful. It sucks that unless you have no children people refuse to sympathize with issues of infertility. 

I'm very blessed to have a few close friends with whom I can confide and cry to. But I sincerely wish that people were more understanding- surely we're not the only ones going through this feeling this way. 

I have an appointment at the end of the month to try to get a referral to see someone. Infertility is described as a year of trying without getting pregnant. We're long past that now. I really just want some answers. I feel that having another child is God's decision so we won't proceed with any kind of fertility treatments regardless what we discover. I just want to know what we're up against. 

Please pray for us. I've really been struggling with this the last few weeks. It's been a combination of stress and my impending due-date for Zoe. Please pray that we may find some peace- regardless the outcome. 

Treading Water

I really feel as though I'm treading water these days. Completely exhausted and barely keeping my head above water. It's horrible.

The thing about grief is that it never goes away. It's like moisture in the air. There are days where the skies are clear and you can't see the moisture- but it's there. And there are days where the clouds fill up and become dark and it pours. And of course there are million days in between. If only I had weather forecast...

I feel the need to blog because it's been so long and I don't want this blog to just die off... But quite frankly I don't really feel like saying much more than I already have. So we'll leave it at that.

Photo Contest- Need help!

Ok so those of you on my Facebook probably despise my existence at this point. I'm going nuts trying to win this photo contest for a free photo shoot for the munchkins. The thing is that for one, we rarely have the extra money to pay to get professional photos done and for two, with Jack's autism it's really a gamble. We could fork out the 100s of dollars and not end up with any good photos. So this contest is a shot at a $275 photo credit for a wonderful photographer on the island and I'm desperate to win! If you haven't already voted I would really appreciate your help. And if it's not too much to ask, you could repost the contest on your blog or facebook. The votes are based on "likes" so it's one vote per person and consequently we need lots and lots of people to vote. Right now we have 40 some votes and there are 5 people ahead of us- some of whom have over 150 votes! Contest runs until Saturday so I'm not giving up yet :)

Here's the link:
Photo Contest- Contestant #5

Thank you!